God Tears (Poem)

[formulario]

here! i made this poem a while ago enjoy
feel free to criticize or discuss

God Tears

God Tears fell into the ground
Killing people all around
they brought hate and war into my town
and god tears keep falling down
many people got drowned
many dead people where found
and i can still hear the sound
of his tears falling down

[Dubbi]

At 2/19/10 12:44 AM, formulario wrote: here! i made this poem a while ago enjoy
feel free to criticize or discuss

God Tears

God Tears fell into the ground
Killing people all around
they brought hate and war into my town
and god tears keep falling down
many people drowned
many dead people were found
and I can still hear the sound
of his tears falling down

I like it, but you had a few grammatical errors which I fixed. I imagine your comparing a hurricane to God crying which is a very good idea for a poem. It's decent first attempt, but you can improve! Work on procuring a more interesting rhyming sequence and expanding on your poems! :)

[formulario]

At 2/19/10 12:54 PM, Dubbi wrote:
I like it, but you had a few grammatical errors which I fixed. I imagine your comparing a hurricane to God crying which is a very good idea for a poem. It's decent first attempt, but you can improve! Work on procuring a more interesting rhyming sequence and expanding on your poems! :)

hey thanks man im kinda new to the poem world but i will keep making more ;)

[Gagsy]

I thought it was quite interesting. I'm no poetry expert though of course. I just liked how you managed to make it all sound good while getting it to rhyme 3:

Nice.

[formulario]

At 6/3/10 07:36 PM, Gagsy wrote: I thought it was quite interesting. I'm no poetry expert though of course. I just liked how you managed to make it all sound good while getting it to rhyme 3:

Nice.

hey thanks for the comment gagsy i apreciated that :D

[01Glitch01]

very good. not what i was expecting... but very good

[formulario]

At 6/3/10 08:14 PM, 01Glitch01 wrote: very good. not what i was expecting... but very good

What where you expeting then?

[TrevorW]

The only issue I have is that you mention yourself on the fly at the end. How do you interact with god's tears? Did you always hear them? Just clarify that bit a tad bit more.

[formulario]

At 6/4/10 07:20 PM, TrevorW wrote: The only issue I have is that you mention yourself on the fly at the end. How do you interact with god's tears? Did you always hear them? Just clarify that bit a tad bit more.

Well it means the disaster was forgotten by everyone but me so i can still hear them...

[TrevorW]

At 6/4/10 07:25 PM, formulario wrote:

At 6/4/10 07:20 PM, TrevorW wrote: The only issue I have is that you mention yourself on the fly at the end. How do you interact with god's tears? Did you always hear them? Just clarify that bit a tad bit more.

Well it means the disaster was forgotten by everyone but me so i can still hear them...

Make sure that you say that in the poem, because as I see it you have not. Just a thought.

[Metal-Loving-Medic]

I kinda liked it