Dearly Departed
Fire in thy lover's heart
I never could confess
To love when so far apart
The hardest of all test
Crumbling under all the stress
Keeping to my creed
Wishing for a moment of rest
It's my soul to feed
Winter on his gallant steed
Crashes through the earth
He had come to do a deed
That undid my birth
The only thing I regret
The only thing I wanted
Was for you to love me yet
We were always parted.
Derp.
At 2/5/10 08:36 PM, zbox101 wrote: Dearly Departed
Fire in thy lover's heart
I never could confess
To love when so far apart
The hardest of all test
Confess and test do not rhyme, and trying to make it so subtracts from the poem.
Crumbling under all the stress
Keeping to my creed
Wishing for a moment of rest
It's my soul to feed
This stanza seems forced, as if you were trying to keep up with your rhyming.
Winter on his gallant steed
Crashes through the earth
He had come to do a deed
That undid my birth
The only thing I regret
The only thing I wanted
Was for you to love me yet
We were always parted.
Wanted and parted do not rhyme.
Ditch the rhyme scheme and see what you can do -- it really is holding you back.
Failure should push you until success can pull you.
The point wasn't to make it rhyme, but thank you for your critique.
Derp.
At 2/5/10 08:46 PM, zbox101 wrote: The point wasn't to make it rhyme, but thank you for your critique.
Well the thing is that you have a defined pattern and when you break that pattern it is a flaw. To you the point may have not been to rhyme, but when it is defined you are rather forced into following it.
If you have flaws like this your work is not at its full ability -- the meaning loses its strength when it has to compete against apparent flaws.
Failure should push you until success can pull you.
At 2/5/10 08:46 PM, zbox101 wrote: The point wasn't to make it rhyme, but thank you for your critique.
Here's what we're saying: If you have a rhyme, you'd better stick to it. Even if the rhyme isn't the focus, if it's there, it had better damn well work. A poorly imposed rhyme detracts from the poem. For this, for any poem, you need to really work to make sure the rhyme is perfect. Or, as I would suggest, just scrap the rhyme altogether. You have great cadence, and I think you could write something great in free verse.
-~RWT~-
If you don't like my poetry, scroll down the page a bit. It gets better.
At 2/5/10 08:55 PM, RWT wrote:At 2/5/10 08:46 PM, zbox101 wrote: The point wasn't to make it rhyme, but thank you for your critique.Here's what we're saying: If you have a rhyme, you'd better stick to it. Even if the rhyme isn't the focus, if it's there, it had better damn well work. A poorly imposed rhyme detracts from the poem. For this, for any poem, you need to really work to make sure the rhyme is perfect. Or, as I would suggest, just scrap the rhyme altogether. You have great cadence, and I think you could write something great in free verse.
-~RWT~-
Hmm, never been complimented on cadence before. Interesting. Anyway I wrote this in less than five minutes, and I got exactly what I wanted. As it turns out I wanted to see how many errors people would spot and the content of their reviews. I didn't really mean to make it rhyme however, it just ended up that way. Thank you both for your critiques.
Derp.
At 2/5/10 09:09 PM, zbox101 wrote:
Hmm, never been complimented on cadence before. Interesting. Anyway I wrote this in less than five minutes, and I got exactly what I wanted. As it turns out I wanted to see how many errors people would spot and the content of their reviews. I didn't really mean to make it rhyme however, it just ended up that way. Thank you both for your critiques.
And you will not be reviewed by me again. That bit there is just rude -- if it is the case keep it to yourself. If your going to assume we as a community are stupid and lazy I am going to assume that nothing you write is worth me reading.
Good day yo you.
Failure should push you until success can pull you.
At 2/5/10 09:18 PM, TrevorW wrote:At 2/5/10 09:09 PM, zbox101 wrote:Hmm, never been complimented on cadence before. Interesting. Anyway I wrote this in less than five minutes, and I got exactly what I wanted. As it turns out I wanted to see how many errors people would spot and the content of their reviews. I didn't really mean to make it rhyme however, it just ended up that way. Thank you both for your critiques.And you will not be reviewed by me again. That bit there is just rude -- if it is the case keep it to yourself. If your going to assume we as a community are stupid and lazy I am going to assume that nothing you write is worth me reading.
Good day yo you.
Analysis:
Visceral reaction rating: 7/ 10
Common logic flow: low
Grammatical errors: Moderate in amount
Diction: Poorly chosen.
Interpretation of others' words: Poor
Initial helpfulness: Moderate
Post helpfulness: None, but entertaining.
Derp.
At 2/5/10 09:22 PM, zbox101 wrote: Analysis:
Visceral reaction rating: 7/ 10
Common logic flow: low
Grammatical errors: Moderate in amount
Diction: Poorly chosen.
Interpretation of others' words: Poor
Initial helpfulness: Moderate
Post helpfulness: None, but entertaining.
You know what, it's 9:25, I'm stuck on my sudoku, and this thread is going to be at the top of the forum when I log on in the morning even if I don't post.
Dude, we're happy to review anything. Review, not edit. If you aren't going to put any effort into something, don't ask for critiques. Slapping down something off the top of your head isn't in itself a dickish move. Asking for critiques and replying 'Yeah, well, I didn't put any time into it. What do you expect?' That's being an arse. You don't want to hear that your attempt at rhyming sucked. What the hell do you want to hear then?
We aren't here to give you empty praise. If you want us to tell you what's wrong with your writing, we will. He zeroed in on your main issue; the effing rhyme scheme was poorly done. As a result, the poem didn't work. That's not a personal insult; that's candid criticism, and it's what you need to become a better writer.
You got defensive, and said that the flaws are negligible, because you didn't really work on it. He took time to review it, and you dismissed him. That's a dickish move. Trevor has shit to do, as do all commentators on this forum. Unless outright trolling, which he was far from doing, people who take the time and effort to review your crap ought to be treated with respect. They're doing you a favor by reading your stuff. Please keep that in mind in the future.
End Rant.
-~RWT~-
If you don't like my poetry, scroll down the page a bit. It gets better.
At 2/5/10 09:39 PM, RWT wrote:At 2/5/10 09:22 PM, zbox101 wrote: Analysis:You know what, it's 9:25, I'm stuck on my sudoku, and this thread is going to be at the top of the forum when I log on in the morning even if I don't post.
Visceral reaction rating: 7/ 10
Common logic flow: low
Grammatical errors: Moderate in amount
Diction: Poorly chosen.
Interpretation of others' words: Poor
Initial helpfulness: Moderate
Post helpfulness: None, but entertaining.
Dude, we're happy to review anything. Review, not edit. If you aren't going to put any effort into something, don't ask for critiques. Slapping down something off the top of your head isn't in itself a dickish move. Asking for critiques and replying 'Yeah, well, I didn't put any time into it. What do you expect?' That's being an arse. You don't want to hear that your attempt at rhyming sucked. What the hell do you want to hear then?
We aren't here to give you empty praise. If you want us to tell you what's wrong with your writing, we will. He zeroed in on your main issue; the effing rhyme scheme was poorly done. As a result, the poem didn't work. That's not a personal insult; that's candid criticism, and it's what you need to become a better writer.
You got defensive, and said that the flaws are negligible, because you didn't really work on it. He took time to review it, and you dismissed him. That's a dickish move. Trevor has shit to do, as do all commentators on this forum. Unless outright trolling, which he was far from doing, people who take the time and effort to review your crap ought to be treated with respect. They're doing you a favor by reading your stuff. Please keep that in mind in the future.
End Rant.
-~RWT~-
Interesting rant. I do believe I thanked him for the critique and never insulted him in any way. The closest I got was tearing down his response to my gratitude. If you want to say something I did sucks, ok. It isn't that big of a deal; honestly I think you two are more offended than I am.
Praise isn't something I'm interested in, if I wanted that I would have shown it to my friends who know nothing about poetry.
I said the flaws were negligible because it wasn't my goal, it just sort of happened.
And what you call a dickish move I call a matter of courtesy, of course he would prefer I keep it to myself. But that does show to some extent hypocrisy within his own writing.
I would thank you again, but if you qualify my works as crap, I qualify anything you have to say as crap, and will treat it as such.
Derp.
God, I don't want this to turn into a flame war. I've had too much to drink and breathed in too much smoke tonight to stay up doing this.
I'll just say, quite cleanly; your gratitude didn't sound very gracious. Understand, it's insulting to be told that you just created this to waste our time; even if you didn't mean it that way. I get it, you just wanted to test the waters out with a quick doodle of a poem. But the way you tossed away the response that parts of it need work (the rhyming was the only bad part, really) made me, and I would assume Trevor, feel unnapreciated. As did your off-handed comment that this didn't mean a whole lot to you anyway.
He was offended, and I would say rightfully. It's not every day you get someone to review your work. Not someone with his experience or skill. Your response was, rather dickish.
No hard feelings, but in the future; respect the reviewers. And that means not wasting their, our, my, time with crap that you don't really care about. I look forward to reading anything that you decide to put an ounce of effort into. I truely do. But be warned; you're very close to pissing me off. And I'm a very forgiving person.
-~RWT~-
If you don't like my poetry, scroll down the page a bit. It gets better.
