A New War

[Jakerz16]

Sgt Darryl Piper
There I was. Staring down the sights of my DSR 1. Waiting for one of them Nazi soldiers stupid enough to run through my vision. I hear a rustle in the bushes, look over. There's a Nazi hiding. I pull the trigger slowly as my silenced sniper blows a shot into the head of that Nazi scum. He drops to the ground, shit, that was my last bullet. I pull out my knife and stealthily walk down from my post to the body. He has a Dragunov and an ammo box. I quickly run back to my post and switch guns. I see another Nazi I shoot, he drops. Gets up again, shit I missed. He hides in behind a wall. Now the wait. I'm not taking my eye off that door until that Nazi is dead. He pokes his head through the door, I shoot, he dies. I slowly leave my command post with my sniper attached to my back. Knife in hand I jolt to the door running as fast as I can. I get there and look in. It seems safe so I go through, no one here. I take the Nazis MP40. As I was running I see another of my soldiers wounded in the trees. I run over to aid him. It's a Nazi in disguise. He stabs me in the foot and I fall to the ground writhing in pain as he hits me with a rock. I am unconscious, I wake up to find I have been tied up. I see the Fuhrer in front of me. I begin to try to untie the ropes from behind me, nothing. I reach for my blade but he has disarmed me. I see my weapons on the table a few feet to my left. The Fuhrer begins to question me about who I was with his very poor English. I looked straight into his emerald green eyes and told him to go fuck his hand. He tried so hard not to laugh, he looked at me and with no emotion and said thats what his prisoners are for. I spit in his face. He came after me so I tried to flip the chair around and hit him but I forgot my foot was still hurt and he stepped right where the wound was. I cringed in pain and smashed into the ground. He looked at me and aimed a gun at my face. He shot. Wait, it wasn't him! He drops to the ground and bleeds out. Through my blurred vision I see my brother holding a magnum missing one bullet. He runs over to help me and calls his squad medic to come tend to my wound. I thanked him and hugged my brother, he carried me over to the helicopter that was just arriving. On the way back to base the medic cleaned my wound. When we got there I told everyone of how my brother had ended the war. When we sent out another squad they came back a few days later saying that there was no blood and no evidence that the Fuhrer, my brother or I were ever there. No bodies. No shells, and no blood. My brother and I were confused, we went back and they were right. There was nothing there. Except for one thing. I had hid my sniper inside of the building I was on so I could come back later. It was still there, and when I got to the building there was an entire squadron of Nazis cleaning there weapons, or smoking. I walked in casually and everyone stared, thery knew who I was. I went straight to the one with my DSR and took it right out of his hand and on my way out I tagged the door with a semtex grenade. My brother and I sat and watched as the hut exploded and Nazi body parts flew everywhere. One of there torsos had landed right in front of me and as I looked closer I saw a new emblem. I had never seen this one before. Then suddenly I realized, they werent Nazis. They were Russians. A new war had begun, and I had started it.
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Well I know it wasn't too great but it's my first piece. So what do you think?

[Version2]

So... this soldier is apparently a time traveler then? DSR 1's weren't produced until 2000, and even then it was German gunsmiths that produced it.

Do some fact checking before you write, you don't want some jerk like me coming along and picking out these things for you :P

Also, seperate your paragraphs. I didn't read more than a third of the way thru it. Text walls are not easy to read at all, because of that less people are likely to read it.

[Jakerz16]

At 2/4/10 09:48 PM, Version2 wrote: So... this soldier is apparently a time traveler then?

Also, seperate your paragraphs.

Haha. Thanks lol I'll seperate next time. =P And no lol I just used random guns. =P Thanks for the tips though =)

[Deathcon7]

Reads more like streamed writing than a cohesive tale, anecdote, story, whatever you want to call it. I didn't read through all that much of it either just because it lacks any structure or clarity. Remember, the most important job of the writer is to convey the story in a way that the reader can understand it. Whether that means the writer can use a certain word HE wants to, for the sake of allow the reader to understand it. We must make concessions for the reader.

Anyway, work on your structure and clarity before proceeding with this. Also, facts can make or break a story. Lack of fact checking turns the reader off if they spot it, it looks lazy. Put the effort.

[Jakerz16]

Okay thanks for the tips guys.

[WilhelmTheVampire]

Not a terrible idea for a story. There are a few things that might make the story a bit more interesting, though. For one, the beginning portion about how he kills several nazis was a bit too fast paced. It was basically just bang, your dead, bang your dead, with very little time to really comprehend what's going on. I guess I think it would just be easier if it didn't go so fast. Maybe if you put in some setting detail or a little background of the soldier, it would be a bit more interesting.

I thought the ending was pretty good. A bit cruel, but nothing wrong with that. Of course, like the other guy said, if you want to be historically accurate, which it's fine if you don't, you might want to change a few scenes.