My Poem

[Smileyfaceman]

He grasped the dieing flower
Far away from which it began
He wanted to stop its torture
So he ran

He ran as the dead leaves faded away
And the cold breeze settled in
He ran as all the snow fell
And the rivers flowed again

He ran as the sun started to rise
And the clouds vanished from the sky
He ran
The flower still clutched in his hand
Until it whispered goodbye

And as all the others flowers
Started to blossom again
As all the other trees
No longer icemen
He planted the flower into the soil
Watching it die again

Not my favorite poem that I've done so far but I just wanted your guys opinion on it. I'm not actually sure if my interpretation of the poem came through clearly.

[Gelatinn64]

It's spelled dying. See, there is a reason to pay attention in English class.

To be constructive, work on natural rhyme schemes before you start writing structured poetry. Free verse is good, rhymes can get in the way. Especially when you're saying trees are icemen, it kinda sounds odd.

A little more construction to be done; avoid words that seem like they would be very deep and poetic, because they aren't often. Say held instead of grasped, it helps the tone of your work. You won't seem like a teenage boy writing about teenage things. If you're clever you can fake life experience at an early age, but it takes some really experience before your writing can take on a tone of maturity and gravity. God knows I'm not there yet.

Keep writing, and eventually you'll have something good.

[Smileyfaceman]

Thanks for the criticism. I agree I should have said held instead of grasped and yes I do pay attention in English, just a little mistake there :P

[Gelatinn64]

Just think about the best way to communicate exactly what you feel on to the page, and then think about how other people would react to it. If you don't think it would strike home with some one else, then perhaps the emotion you are trying to convey is to blame.

[HazeStigma]

Hehe, thats really good! You should continue!

[RWT]

What gelatin said. Here are a few tips, conveniently numbered:

1. Never use a deep word when a non-poetic one will suffice. Florid words like 'grasped' are used to emphasise; unless you want to draw attention to it, or 'make a splash' with that line, go simple.

2. Cadence. Paired lines should have the same number of syllables in traditional poetry. Think of it like a haiku. Read any famous poems, and you'll find what you probably missed; the number of syllables and where the emphasis falls in the line is the same in both parts of a couplet. Even if they don't rhyme, lines that go one-after-the-other should have cadence. Ignore cadence, and you're really out there. Again, not neccesaily a bad thing, but you have to learn to crawl before you can run a marathon.

3. Rhymes are the icing on the cake. Once you have cadence, you can check to see if a rhyme will fit. Don't arbitrarily superimpose rhymes though. Free verse is good.

-~RWT~-

[Smileyfaceman]

Really thanks guys for the response, it will help me on my future writing.

[TrevorW]

At 2/5/10 08:57 PM, Smileyfaceman wrote: Really thanks guys for the response, it will help me on my future writing.

Hey, and all the best to you! We are hard but nice guys here. We only want to help you out.

Keep that pen flowing

Cheers