A Tome of Unusual Spells

[Kajenx]

I did this on another forum a long time ago and the results were so fun I thought I'd try it here to see what you guys could come up with. :3

If you've ever had an idea for a spell or ritual that a mad magician, an insane incanter, or a warped wizard might perform, post it here. Preferably make the rituals overly complicated, incredibly cliched, and totally pointless or near impossible to complete. The spell can be from any era in the past, as if the book was published just recently.

You may follow any format you wish, but try to include: the name of the spell/ritual, what needs to be done to get the results, and what the results are. Some other things you might want to include are a background of the spell and a story about someone who casted it.

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Preface
This is a tome of unusual spells. Collected from scrolls and artifacts around the world, it reflects the perversion of magic throughout the ages. These spells have absolutely no practical use, and should be regarded as pointless and potentially dangerous to any adept magician. For those of you reading this hoping to gain magical power: BEWARE! These spells can, and often times, will go wrong with devastating results.

On Making a Charm to Ward off Flying Squid

Ingredients:
-- A pure gold three foot disk (unscratched)
-- Five chicken talons
-- The blood of a sworn enemy (taken while sleeping on a bed of shark skin)
-- The tail feathers of a Sahara Penguin
-- Water from ten different lakes
-- Ten logs of Wood gathered from twenty different trees
-- One pint of lemon juice
-- Cauldron

On the night of a full moon, when the numerical day matches your birth date, place the wood in the form of the sigil of Cthulhu, and dance around it naked while rubbing the lemon juice all over your body. After this ritual cleansing, light the wood on fire and place upon it the cauldron filled with the water.

Bring the water to a boil. Place within it the chicken talons and the tail feathers, then add one drop of your enemy's blood for every time you've ever said the word "squid." Upon adding the last drop, the water should turn a light shade of purple. If the cauldron comes alive and insults your mother, you've done part of the ritual wrong. However, if it comments on the weather, you've done everything correctly and may now dip the gold disk in the mixture.

The disk is now enchanted with the ability to ward off flying squid. If the disk is ever scratched, dented, melted, of dropped from a height of 2.349 inches, it will fail to work, and may, in fact, attract flying squid rather than repel them. The disk must be carried under your shirt for best results.

Common side effects of this ritual are headache, nausea, hair loss, unnaturally large legs, and the desire to eat spiders.