Silver-Glint Stories.

[Silver-Glint]

I have been writing stories on and off since I was about 11. Only problem is I never end up finishing them. So I thought that I will write some short stories occasionally,

Okay this short story contains sex and some swearing. Just to let you know.

Mysterious man.

It's late, too late. So late that I can barely hear any cars go past considering I live on a very busy road. So why if it's so late is there someone knocking on my door? It doesn't even sound like a friendly knock, you know what I mean? When your friends tap three times on the door. No, it doesn't sound like that. Every knock is hard, and rough, as if the person knocking is 7ft tall and extremely large. Every knock chills me to the bone. I refuse to answer. I wasn't expecting anybody at this time, who on earth knocks on doors at this time? The knocking becomes louder and louder. I crouch behind my sofa, hoping they won't hear my heavy breathing. Then suddenly I hear a voice calling out. It's soft and gentle.

It's been an hour since I let the stranger in my house. I had opened the door to the soft voice to see a young man standing there, he wasn't a giant or extremely muscular. He had short brown hair and dark knowing brown eyes. He was cold, shivering. He was only in his vest and shorts. He told me he was sorry for waking me up, but could he please use my phone. I said no problem, the person he was trying to call wasn't answering. I told him he could stay overnight - on the sofa of course. I tell him he can make a coffee or something and go to bed.

I've been up reading for about half an hour, then there's a tap on my door. I call out "Come in!"
He's standing there with a cup of coffee. He made a cup of coffee, how nice of him. He sits at the end of the bed and starts talking. Just asking questions about jobs, hobbies etc.
I finish the most delicious cup of coffee I've ever had and put it on the side table. He looks at me and comes closer, I look at him, we can't take our eyes off of eachother. He runs his hand through my hair, I don't back away I let him. He kisses my neck, I feel tingles. I put my hand on his head, feeling his soft hair against my hand.
He pushes me back, so I'm lying down. He kisses me on my lips, softly, then passionately and fast. I've never felt so wonderful in my life. Just from a kiss.
He slowly unbuttons my blouse, his hands grabbing at my breasts. I let out a small sigh. He takes off my blouse and chucks it on the floor, and quickly pulls down my shorts and underwear at the same time. I feel something wet and pleasant on my vagina. I look down and his head is down there, I almost scream with pleasure grabbing at his hair. I shuddered and my leg twitched as I had an orgasm. He got up wiping his mouth and stripped off his clothes. He climbed on top of me and entered me. I let out a gasp, as he pushed it in harder, my legs over his shoulders. We came together. It was heaven.

I woke up to the sound of birds singing outside. I stretched in bed and turned over to look at this gorgeous stranger. There was an empty space. I quickly put my dressing gown on and searched my house high and low. He was disappeared. And soon I realised so was my TV, my computer, my jewellery and my car keys. I ran outside and realised my car was no longer there.

I'd been robbed, robbed good and hard. Fuck.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 2/1/10 02:21 PM, Silver-Glint wrote: It's late, too late. So late that I can barely hear any cars go past considering I live on a very busy road. So why if it's so late is there someone knocking on my door? It doesn't even sound like a friendly knock, you know what I mean? When your friends tap three times on the door. No, it doesn't sound like that. Every knock is hard, and rough, as if the person knocking is 7ft tall and extremely large. Every knock chills me to the bone. I refuse to answer. I wasn't expecting anybody at this time, who on earth knocks on doors at this time? The knocking becomes louder and louder. I crouch behind my sofa, hoping they won't hear my heavy breathing. Then suddenly I hear a voice calling out. It's soft and gentle.

Great description here. I can really visualize the mood and the image of this malevolent knocking. However, the repetition of "knock/knocking" gets a bit excessive by the end of the paragraph.

It's been an hour since I let the stranger in my house. I had opened the door to the soft voice to see a young man standing there, he wasn't a giant or extremely muscular. He had short brown hair and dark knowing brown eyes. He was cold, shivering. He was only in his vest and shorts. He told me he was sorry for waking me up, but could he please use my phone. I said no problem, the person he was trying to call wasn't answering. I told him he could stay overnight - on the sofa of course. I tell him he can make a coffee or something and go to bed.

I suggest putting the "It's been an hour..." sentence at the end of the paragraph because leaving it at the beginning, to me, seems like too much of an abrupt transition between the first paragraph and this one.

I've been up reading for about half an hour, then there's a tap on my door. I call out "Come in!"
He's standing there with a cup of coffee. He made a cup of coffee, how nice of him. He sits at the end of the bed and starts talking. Just asking questions about jobs, hobbies etc.

You should probably make a note here that it's the door to a room he's knocking on, as opposed to the front door.

I finish the most delicious cup of coffee I've ever had and put it on the side table. He looks at me and comes closer, I look at him, we can't take our eyes off of eachother. He runs his hand through my hair, I don't back away I let him. He kisses my neck, I feel tingles. I put my hand on his head, feeling his soft hair against my hand.

Again, the repetition of "cup of coffee" gets a bit awkward.

He pushes me back, so I'm lying down. He kisses me on my lips, softly, then passionately and fast. I've never felt so wonderful in my life. Just from a kiss.
He slowly unbuttons my blouse, his hands grabbing at my breasts. I let out a small sigh. He takes off my blouse and chucks it on the floor, and quickly pulls down my shorts and underwear at the same time. I feel something wet and pleasant on my vagina. I look down and his head is down there, I almost scream with pleasure grabbing at his hair. I shuddered and my leg twitched as I had an orgasm. He got up wiping his mouth and stripped off his clothes. He climbed on top of me and entered me. I let out a gasp, as he pushed it in harder, my legs over his shoulders. We came together. It was heaven.

I'm thinking that you might want to put in some detail about her thought process. That is, why did she consent to this stranger? Did she feel embarrassed at that fact, or did she feel at ease? Was there anything that she particularly liked about the guy that influenced her decision? etc.

Also, the sex scene seems to go by too fast. I suggest either shortening it down to describing vaguely that they made love and concentrating on the emotional side of it, or going into more detail about their actions and their thoughts.

Overall, it's pretty good. It has a good voice and all that jazz. But, I suggest developing your characters a little more. Aside from describing the guy's voice as being soft and gentle, you don't really talk about who the two people are in terms of their personalities and their mannerisms.

[Silver-Glint]

Thanks for the feedback guys, I'll keep it in mind :)