The Path.

[HazeStigma]

I got bored and decided to write a poem about life/the path.
Sorry if this kind of posting isn't allowed, i didn't see a rule about it.
My English teacher thinks its quite impressive, what do you guys think?

An urban concrete leads the way
Into the dark forbidden forests, they say:
"Don't stray from the yellow trusting path my dear,
Because when you're in those woods dangers always near."
Yet the loving mothers and fathers always let go,
Let go of there children, that aren't in the know.
Of the big bad wolves treading on the grass
Punishing girls for their ignorant sass
By ripping and tearing at their innocence and truth
Corrupting them, and all of their youth.
Tricking them, distorting them, feeding of their skin.
So listen to me, my love.
Don't stray from the path,
The trustworthy path.

The concrete ends, and turns to dirt.
A bright red box, you must insert,
Into the bright red letter box of old Grandma Jane
Go quickly, they say she's going insane,
"But don't stray from the yellow trusting path my dear,
For your safety is what I fear...
That is what will be taken from you if you stray from the path"
So listen to me, my love.
Don't stray from the path,
The trustworthy path.

You tread lightly in your bright red cloak
Carrying your handmade basket full of bright red things
In the bright red sky
And the bright red moon,
And the bright red apples resting on the grand old trees
But the blue,
Blue flowers laying on the grass
Blue fruits hanging off the willows with ever growing mass,
Its texture, its scent, its all so alluring.
Its beauty, its glow, its all so assuring.
You step and kneel and pick up a petal
Your young beating heart, it cant seem to settle,
You walk
You run
Deeper in the blue,
Exploring the experience of the new born anew.
"But don't stray from the yellow trusting path my dear,
For, can't you see? He's getting so near
The big bad wolf treading on the grass
Punishing girls for their ignorant sass
Corrupting them, and all of their youth.
Tricking them, distorting them, feeding of their skin.
So listen to me, my loving dear.
You must stay on the path
Don't stray from the path,
The trustworthy path,
Please.

[HahaISuckMoreThanYou]

Other than please at the end (minor thing really and it's probably just me), this poem is amazing. Don't change a thing. It has a catchy tune that I practically sanged when I read it.

[Silver-Glint]

I actually quite enjoyed reading that. Keep it up Haze. <3

[Saxturbation]

It took me awhile to get that it was about Little Red Riding Hood. Good poem, nice tune to it.

[Interimo]

I love the whole poem, you might want to get it published. Were it not for the "Please" I would have considered it one of the best I've read.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

There are some lines in there that I really liked, such as the "Of the big bad wolves treading on the grass, punishing girls for their ignorant sass" lines. However, some of the lines seemed too long while others seemed too short. They deviated from the poem's meter in a way that, in some spots, was detrimental.

[TrevorW]

At 2/1/10 05:39 PM, InsertFunnyUserName wrote: There are some lines in there that I really liked, such as the "Of the big bad wolves treading on the grass, punishing girls for their ignorant sass" lines. However, some of the lines seemed too long while others seemed too short. They deviated from the poem's meter in a way that, in some spots, was detrimental.

I disagree. This seems more like a song and when sung it is really good.

Added to my list of great works (on my profile)

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 2/1/10 06:57 PM, TrevorW wrote: I disagree. This seems more like a song and when sung it is really good.

Oh no, it is really good. It's just, there are a few lines that could be improved.

[TrevorW]

At 2/1/10 07:24 PM, InsertFunnyUserName wrote:

At 2/1/10 06:57 PM, TrevorW wrote: I disagree. This seems more like a song and when sung it is really good.

Oh no, it is really good. It's just, there are a few lines that could be improved.

True...but I think that singing it would fix it. Eh, always room to improve.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 2/1/10 07:30 PM, TrevorW wrote: True...but I think that singing it would fix it. Eh, always room to improve.

Well, what syncopation is doing is shortening and lengthening lines to match the rest of the lines in the song. It's doing the same task as a writer would do by adding more or less words, except instead of words, it's adding more or less beats.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 2/1/10 07:41 PM, InsertFunnyUserName wrote: Well, what syncopation is doing is shortening and lengthening lines to match the rest of the lines in the song. It's doing the same task as a writer would do by adding more or less words, except instead of words, it's adding more or less beats.

Sorry for double posting, but let me clarify.

In other words, singing is one way of addressing the problem, yes, but Haze said that she wrote it as a poem. So, if it's going to be read as a poem, then syncopation isn't the way to go because that approach would require the reader to know exactly how to accent the words is his head and there's not a way to express that with just text, other than ugly notations.