Parlay

[thatguy669606]

So, the next few passages are parts of a short story I'm working on. I'm sorry if it doesn't make much sense as a whole, but I have an idea and a path laid in my head so it will all tie together eventually. Anyway, here you go:

She was my world, but I wasn't her only inhabitant.
The harsh reality left me awake in coma as the static serenade from my television played the soundtrack to my jolted heart.

The brooding sky, dark and hollow, let out its frustration in blind rage as it pummeled the earth and howled at those foolish enough to try and travel under it. Unfortunately, I was such. I walked some ways through the storm until I came across a wake. I watched as the vultures feasted on their fallen comrade. The gawked at the horrid caricature painted across my cheeks and mocked me in my confusion. "Do not pass judgment on us," they cawed and screeched, "it is the way of life. Is your life not more important than a dead man's?" And with that they departed and let out one last cry that nearly broke my back. I crawled to a nearby oak in agony, kind enough to let me rest under his mighty arms. I laid there, and laid, with a boulder rolling up and down my spine, and I could not move, so I slept. Finally slept. I dreamed I lived in a translucent world, alive in vivid technicolor and I watched as amorphous beings of light slowly merged as they passed through one another, leaving a trail of creation in their wake.

I slowly opened my eyes to a lucid world of blue and green as I rose from my own grave. I paused to clean the dirt out of under my fingertips, from 6 feet of digging, both ways, but my attention was caught and I ignored my fingers for the time being to affix on the girl in the yellow dress. She rose over the horizon like a sunrise, vibrant, brilliant, hot. She spun around like a child and fell to the grass and let it comfort her body. And then she rolled over and kissed the ground before she stood back up. Her hair rose and fell and waved and weaved as her wakes tumbled down upon me and crushed me by simply looking her way. Her sunrise hair burned bright. A corona outlined her figured and burned into my retinas. I was afraid to keep looking, however, my eyes were enslaved at the first sight of the way she made music in the perfect pitch of her walk. I continued to watch helplessly as she grew closer, dancing with the wind as it swept around her and embraced her body, and then carelessly she would shake it off with a simply twirl that spurred a hurricane of artistry.

Sweat glistened on her neck as I delved deeper and deeper inside of her. Her body started to quiver, from her legs, then to her arms, that led to her grasping my back for dear life as her fingernails dug into my flesh. She pulled her head into my shoulder and gasped for air, but I had no intention of allowing her to catch her breath, not yet. And in on final act of desperation she let out a squeak as both of our bodies trembled in ecstasy. I laid my forehead upon her own and she opened her eyes. I starred into those wells of sapphire and gold, until I whispered, "I love you." She bit the bottom corner of her swollen lips and sat up straight. Her right hand made its way across my cheek and through my hair, and then in the steamed window she scribed, I love you more.

I sat there and enjoyed the oceanic overture the waves played as they beat rhythmically across the beach. She bent down and ran her hands through the sand leaving a mark on this haven forgotten by man...we were here. She turned towards the vast Atlantic and peered to where it met a see of stars as she dug her toes into the sand and allowed soft waves to lap at her ankles. The pale gibbous moon played upon her gentle skin and rested in her nest such that I could notice the subtle undertones of fall as the breeze extracted them from her hair, all in a fleeting moment within the endless boundaries of time, so fast that a speck of dust could cause one to miss it. And with that same speed our feet parted ways with the sand as the ocean kissed our toes for one last goodbye. We followed our footsteps back up along the beach to where we first arrived, just as dawn began to break and the first inklings of light seeped out of the horizon and painted the sky in regality, as if to announce the suns coming to both those fortunate and unfortunate enough to bear witness to the birth of a brand new day. I allowed my arm to take the lead as it sidled across her waist and pulled her far into my body while I led her back to the passenger side of my car. We entered the car and as I turned the ignition and began our journey back she turned around and waved one last goodbye to the moon as its glory faded to make way for the light of day.

[Version2]

Wow, that is some really descriptive language there, I'm thoroughly impressed :)

The only thing I can think of to suggest at this point might be to break your paragraphs up a little more. Other than that, awesome!

[thatguy669606]

Thanks!
Yeah I want to try and make this very very visually stimulating and while I may have a lot of imagery, you are right about the spacing. When I reformat this I'll try to use spacing to my advantage to really bring out the feel that one is reading a poem rather than a narrative.

[tigerkitty]

It's very experimental in style. It's interesting to read, though I'll admit it's a bit confusing. That might be due to its unique form though.

I'd be careful about word usage in some instances. I don't know how to describe it other than, at certain points it seems like you're using the thesaurus and replacing words without the context needed to accurately use them. That might be the intent of your style though... I'm not sure.

It's vivid in its imagery though, sort of like walking into a Dali painting. Very cool.

[gumOnShoe]

She was my world, but I wasn't her only inhabitant.
The harsh reality

Cliche. Get rid of it now. Now, I say!

left me awake in coma as the static serenade from my television played the soundtrack to my jolted heart.

You can't be awake in a coma. You are either awake or in a coma. Pick.

The brooding sky, dark and hollow, let out its frustration in blind rage as it pummeled the earth and howled at those foolish enough to try and travel under it. Unfortunately, I was such. I walked some ways through the storm until I came across a wake. I watched as the vultures feasted on their fallen comrade. The gawked at the horrid caricature painted across my cheeks and mocked me in my confusion. "Do not pass judgment on us," they cawed and screeched, "it is the way of life. Is your life not more important than a dead man's?" And with that they departed and let out one last cry that nearly broke my back.

This is confusing. Sound breaking a back. It does not make much sense or really do anything for the story. What point are you trying to make? Why does this wake matter. What does "brooding sky" mean. Also, why'd you use a cliche like blind rage? I'm just seeing a lot of regurgitation here and you haven't gotten to a point where I care about anything. The first few moments of a story ought to tie in readers to your characters or some interesting happening so they are drawn into it.

Additionally, unless this is some dream, which hasn't been made readily clear it doesn't make much sense that he's attending a wake comatose.

After the opening though, I like where this piece turns to, and I like the surreal and the quick jumping setting, but it works below because there's far more flow. There's a detail that stays the same between each shift, and so we get a very stunning image. Do what you did after this point more and you've got something, but I feel no attachment to the opening and I'm not sure you should either.

I crawled to a nearby oak in agony, kind enough to let me rest under his mighty arms. I laid there, and laid, with a boulder rolling up and down my spine, and I could not move, so I slept. Finally slept. I dreamed I lived in a translucent world, alive in vivid technicolor and I watched as amorphous beings of light slowly merged as they passed through one another, leaving a trail of creation in their wake.

I slowly opened my eyes to a lucid world of blue and green as I rose from my own grave. I paused to clean the dirt out of under my fingertips, from 6 feet of digging, both ways, but my attention was caught and I ignored my fingers for the time being to affix on the girl in the yellow dress. She rose over the horizon like a sunrise, vibrant, brilliant, hot. She spun around like a child and fell to the grass and let it comfort her body. And then she rolled over and kissed the ground before she stood back up. Her hair rose and fell and waved and weaved as her wakes tumbled down upon me and crushed me by simply looking her way. Her sunrise hair burned bright. A corona outlined her figured and burned into my retinas. I was afraid to keep looking, however, my eyes were enslaved at the first sight of the way she made music in the perfect pitch of her walk. I continued to watch helplessly as she grew closer, dancing with the wind as it swept around her and embraced her body, and then carelessly she would shake it off with a simply twirl that spurred a hurricane of artistry.

Sweat glistened on her neck as I delved deeper and deeper inside of her. Her body started to quiver, from her legs, then to her arms, that led to her grasping my back for dear life as her fingernails dug into my flesh. She pulled her head into my shoulder and gasped for air, but I had no intention of allowing her to catch her breath, not yet. And in on final act of desperation she let out a squeak as both of our bodies trembled in ecstasy. I laid my forehead upon her own and she opened her eyes. I starred into those wells of sapphire and gold, until I whispered, "I love you." She bit the bottom corner of her swollen lips and sat up straight. Her right hand made its way across my cheek and through my hair, and then in the steamed window she scribed, I love you more.

I sat there and enjoyed the oceanic overture the waves played as they beat rhythmically across the beach. She bent down and ran her hands through the sand leaving a mark on this haven forgotten by man...we were here. She turned towards the vast Atlantic and peered to where it met a see of stars as she dug her toes into the sand and allowed soft waves to lap at her ankles. The pale gibbous moon played upon her gentle skin and rested in her nest such that I could notice the subtle undertones of fall as the breeze extracted them from her hair, all in a fleeting moment within the endless boundaries of time, so fast that a speck of dust could cause one to miss it. And with that same speed our feet parted ways with the sand as the ocean kissed our toes for one last goodbye. We followed our footsteps back up along the beach to where we first arrived, just as dawn began to break and the first inklings of light seeped out of the horizon and painted the sky in regality, as if to announce the suns coming to both those fortunate and unfortunate enough to bear witness to the birth of a brand new day. I allowed my arm to take the lead as it sidled across her waist and pulled her far into my body while I led her back to the passenger side of my car. We entered the car and as I turned the ignition and began our journey back she turned around and waved one last goodbye to the moon as its glory faded to make way for the light of day.

[thatguy669606]

Thanks for the criticism. Yes I am well aware that it is confusing and I know some of it is a bit hokey, but this is very rough. I tend to free write a lot. Actually, the surreal scene where he sees the girl I wrote first, followed by the dream scene a week later. Then like a month later I wrote the other two parts back to back. Sorry if it all doesn't make sense, but I'll try and tie it in better and I'll definitely revise to the beginning to make sense (somewhat).