the way i feel

[genius21]

this is a poem about love. its free verse, so don't complain that it doesn't rhyme. i know i'm bad, but i'm working on it.

I've known you for the last three years
I love you it seems. but love seems
too stong of a word
but like isn't strong enough.

you consider me to be a friend
but i want to think of you
as more than a friend. but
my cowardice prevents me from even telling you how
I feel. much less, asking you out

whenever you feel like crap, I feel like crap
whenever you feel good I still feel like crap because I'm not part of it.
I see the guys you go out with
and when they dump you and cheat on you
you act like its the biggest shock in the world
but you don't seem to know what I do.

all of those douchebags take you for granted.
but I wouldn't
not I.

I would treat you like a comic book collector treats his magazines;
I would treasure you.

dedicated to KP and to every nerd who is too cowardly to ask out the girl he likes.

[Deathcon7]

You should focus on poetic technique if you want to write poetry. Just because you use enjambment at the end of your lines, doesn't mean you're writing poetry. Put some effort into it. You don't have to rhyme, but it is still possible to apply technique to free verse.

Also, there's more to free verse than just putting words down. If there were the case, this post would be considered poetry.

[Version2]

At 2/1/10 12:26 AM, genius21 wrote: I would treat you like a comic book collector treats his magazines;

Well there's you're problem! You know how many women I've dated who like being spanked, slapped, and choked? Ok, only one wanted to be choked. But nobody wants to be treated like a porcelian doll :P

But seriously, this doesn't feel like poetry to me, more just a collection of thoughts and line breaks. There's no real sense of flow or structure.

[JackDCurleo]

Well after years of studying them I have deduced that girls are in fact human beings, and men even nerdy men should not fear talking to them or asking them on a date because chances are if you get to know the girl you'll hang out with her sometime and then you can get to know her and BAM girlfriend easy as that (results may vary) but really this poem is borderline creepy and on top of that it feels a little inconsistent at times, but you are dealing with quite the general shy love crush poem thing that every poet and their dog has done to the power of infinity, be original, write a poem about a dinosaur or space teradactal(misspelled) blaze a trail don't catch the embers of another.

[Peacekid]

At 2/1/10 12:26 AM, genius21 wrote: dedicated to KP and to every nerd who is too cowardly to ask out the girl he likes.

to be off topic, this is completely creepy and just makes that much more likely that she is repulsed by you

[Nateofwar]

ok the first part of your poem realy started to make me tear up because i have the exact same fealings for this girl whose not my girlfriend and its a whole bunch of other bs that im not going to far into but after the second stanza you kinda lost face with me.

long story short i can relate to this a bit and im sure alot of people can

Now getting out of IRL stuff ima hit up the poetry side of this. One thing that i think you did not so well was how you seperated the lines of your poem.

i read it again in slam poetry style and it kinda fit

when you mess with you lines you want to end them in a place where it matches the beat. you want poems to have a nice flow. example

stressed sylibills (sylables? Sylibles?... wordy things) in all caps

DAY to DAY i FEEL the LIGHT
the MAGIC of MOVING from DAY to NIGHT
and FINDing a WAY to STAY aFLOAT
aMONG the WHYMsy of WHAT i WROTE.

See how i gave the poem a beat. I chose to rhyme but you dont have to. Notice i made sure that i never ended a line with a non stressed word and started all but the first one with a non stress. Its somthing a poet will develope over time that realy makes reading poetry enjoyable

Hope i helped
Happy writing,
Nateowar.

[genius21]

Thanks for the criticism yall. I'll keep those tips in mind the next time I post something on here. Here's a random picture for yall.