Just a stay, for cookies and tea.

[Shabbo]

The crackling of Jacobs TV breaks the silence of the night, " Work, ya piece a junk" He yells at the TV. As he sits there, waiting for his Telivision to magicly start working , he gets a knock on his door. Not a peacefull calm knock. But a harsh strong knock.
" Leave me the hell alone, it's 3 in the morning!" Jacob yells at the anonymous knocker. A letter drops through the slot in his door.

He gets out of his chair and stumbles to the door. He grumbles as he picks up the letter. "What the hell is this? I'll read it in the morning" He lays down in his bed, not being able to sleep he takes some sleeping pills. He then falls quickly asleep.

In the morning he wakes up rather ubpleasently. He rises from the small bed to get his "Breakfast". After his meal he goes to sit down. Noticing the letter. "Ugh, guess I had to do it sometime", he picks up the letter and reads it to himself.
It read

Hello Jacob Francais, I'd like you to join me for tea. You're presence would be much appreciated,
Signed- Mr. PattersonSigned- Mr. Patterson

" Patterson? What would that old bat want to have me for company?" Jacob said to himself.
---

Okay, so what'dja think? It's a work in progress.

[Shabbo]

Oops, sorry for the double post but it seems I but -Mr.Patterson twice. Sorry about that!

[TrevorW]

Sure. It's a start, but there really isn't enough here to judge by. I will come back when you have more.

[Shabbo]

At 1/31/10 11:07 PM, TrevorW wrote: Sure. It's a start, but there really isn't enough here to judge by. I will come back when you have more.

I'm still workin' on what's next. I've been switching back and forth between 2 things.

[Version2]

I'm not to crazy on stories told in the present tense to be honest, but that's just a personal preference of mine. I do think you could be much more descriptive, in the first paragraph you describe someone knocking on the door using three sentences, all using the word "knock." Something like "A sudden violent knock came from the door" would still keep the forceful feeling you are trying for, without repeating over and over to the reader that someone is knocking.

At 1/31/10 10:50 PM, shabbo wrote: In the morning he wakes up rather ubpleasently. He rises from the small bed to get his "Breakfast". After his meal he goes to sit down. Noticing the letter. "Ugh, guess I had to do it sometime", he picks up the letter and reads it to himself.
It read

This is kind of the reason I don't like present tense writing. If it's not written well it reads like an extremely boring play by play. He gets up, he gets breakfast, he eats breakfast, he goes somewhere else to sit, he sees letter, he reads letter. See where I'm going with this? Alot of this can be implied. If he's eating breakfast, I'm going to assume he's sitting, because I don't eat breakfast standing up... usually. Since I'm already assuming he's sitting, you don't need to have him go somewhere specifically to sit down. Take out the things that don't add to your story.

[SpaceWhale]

I think that, when the man spoke, you should replace 'ya' with 'you', and other things like that. You also misspelled "television" (telivision) and "peaceful" (peacefull).

Other than that, it sounded like an interesting story. I'd like to read more.

[Shabbo]

At 2/1/10 01:18 PM, Space-Whale wrote: I think that, when the man spoke, you should replace 'ya' with 'you', and other things like that. You also misspelled "television" (telivision) and "peaceful" (peacefull).

Other than that, it sounded like an interesting story. I'd like to read more.

Thanks!
But yeah I didn't spend much time at firts on spelling.

[HazeStigma]

Intense! Im drawn in.
You should continue!

[Shabbo]

PART TWO

As Jacob left his house he continued to ponder why Mr.Patterson would want him there. After all the man could most likely afford his own company. Jacob get's into his rumbling automobile, without any keys for his car he uses a spoon to start up his car.
Arriving at the gate of the mansion he looks for a way to get the presumably locked gate open. After many minutes of searching the gates opened by themselves, slowly and unnaturally. While walking down the long walkway to the doorstep of the Manor he notices the many exotic plants, the many different trees and such.

Once at the doorstep he knocks on the door, waiting for an answer. The Tall butler opens the door for Jacob. " Ah Mr.Patterson has been waiting for you, come this way master" The butler said to him.
They begin to walk up the long stairway, reaching the top the tall butler opens up the large door to a large room. The Old man seems to be sitting in a large chair near the fireplace at teh front of the room.

"Hello" Jacob said to the seemingly empty room. As he thought the nearly dead man was lounging in his comfortable chair. After introducing himself to the old man he was told to stay there as he fixed something up.

That's all for now.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

It sounds good so far, but I don't think you really ended it in the right spot. It didn't seem like the end of a part to me. I feel like you could have gone further without breaking it up because not that much suspense was built in those few short paragraphs.

I agree with what Version2 said. It does sound like a play-by-play in the way that you have a lot of short, simple sentences that don't present enough detail.

But it's going well in terms of plot.

At 1/31/10 11:46 PM, Version2 wrote: This is kind of the reason I don't like present tense writing.

Well, as someone who has done a good deal of present tense writing, I feel that it can be just as powerful as past tense because it really is only conjugating your verbs differently for the most part, nixing some time context. The purpose of a specific tense is only to set a mood and I really don't think that it can make or break a story. It all depends on how used to that sort of writing the author is. We're all pretty much well practiced in past-tense writing, so we generally tend to be able to do it better. But, once you get used to them, styles such as present tense or second person can actually improve the feeling of your writing if that's what you're looking for. It's all a matter of whether the tense creates the mood that you want to express to your reader.

Because you can make the same mistakes in past tense, as well. He could have said:

"In the morning he woke up rather ubpleasently. He rose from the small bed to get his "Breakfast". After his meal he went to sit down. Noticing the letter. "Ugh, guess I had to do it sometime", he picked up the letter and read it to himself."

The problem of choppiness is still there.

At 2/1/10 04:12 PM, shabbo wrote: As Jacob left his house he continued to ponder why Mr.Patterson would want him there. After all the man could most likely afford his own company. Jacob get's into his rumbling automobile, without any keys for his car he uses a spoon to start up his car.

Hmm, I think you should explain some about what he did to be able to start his car with a spoon, because that seems too odd to be left without an explanation. Also, possibly talk about why he didn't have keys.

Arriving at the gate of the mansion he looks for a way to get the presumably locked gate open. After many minutes of searching the gates opened by themselves, slowly and unnaturally. While walking down the long walkway to the doorstep of the Manor he notices the many exotic plants, the many different trees and such.

You might want to include something about what he thought about the doors opening by themselves. That way it leaves the reader with more curiosity.

Once at the doorstep he knocks on the door, waiting for an answer. The Tall butler opens the door for Jacob. " Ah Mr.Patterson has been waiting for you, come this way master" The butler said to him.
They begin to walk up the long stairway, reaching the top the tall butler opens up the large door to a large room. The Old man seems to be sitting in a large chair near the fireplace at teh front of the room.

I wouldn't recommend repeating 'large' that many times.

"Hello" Jacob said to the seemingly empty room. As he thought the nearly dead man was lounging in his comfortable chair. After introducing himself to the old man he was told to stay there as he fixed something up.

That's all for now.

Now, you switched from present tense to past tense, which I assume was done because of the advice that Version2 gave. If you're going to do that in the future, I think you should rewrite the first part in the new tense and add it on to the beginning of the second part.

[Shabbo]

I thought up part two really fast, so there was bound to be a few mistakes, but still some people think this is good. Even if it's a creation of boredom.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 2/1/10 04:44 PM, shabbo wrote: I thought up part two really fast, so there was bound to be a few mistakes, but still some people think this is good. Even if it's a creation of boredom.

Oh don't get me wrong, the story definitely has some great potential and I'll follow the thread to see how it turns out. Personally, I think the better someone is at writing, the more constructive criticism they should get, because they already know the basics. For instance, you seem to already be conscious of how you need to develop your characters and set your mood/scene and that's apparent in your writing, so I'll be more picky with how you do that. If that makes sense.

Don't be too post-button happy, though, both for your own benefit of improving your revision skills and so that we can review your best. Because if you can see your mistakes, you don't need us as much. It's when you've polished something to the best of your ability and you don't know what else you can do to improve that you really need feedback. At least, that's my view on it.

[Version2]

At 2/1/10 04:41 PM, InsertFunnyUserName wrote: Well, as someone who has done a good deal of present tense writing, I feel that it can be just as powerful as past tense because it really is only conjugating your verbs differently for the most part, nixing some time context. The purpose of a specific tense is only to set a mood and I really don't think that it can make or break a story. It all depends on how used to that sort of writing the author is. We're all pretty much well practiced in past-tense writing, so we generally tend to be able to do it better. But, once you get used to them, styles such as present tense or second person can actually improve the feeling of your writing if that's what you're looking for. It's all a matter of whether the tense creates the mood that you want to express to your reader.

Just so we're clear, it's just a personal preference of mine. I understand it's a perfectly valid form of writing. Present tense tends to make it so I'm not able to get absorbed in a story I'm reading. Movies are present tense, somethings happening right now, and you can see it happening. But when it's written down, the physical act of sitting still and reading keeps me thinking, no this is not happening now, because nothing is happening now.

@the OP: I'll read your additions here in a minute and post some comments later.

[Version2]

At 2/1/10 04:12 PM, shabbo wrote: PART TWO

As Jacob left his house he continued to ponder why Mr.Patterson would want him there. After all the man could most likely afford his own company. Jacob get's into his rumbling automobile, without any keys for his car he uses a spoon to start up his car.

What, did he leave his keys inside and just didn't want to go back for them? Also, when I think of a rumbling automobile, I think of a car that is turned on, it's engine rumbling. Cars that are off tend to just sit silently. It kind of reads right now like Jacob is trying to start a car that's already on with a spoon, for no other reason than to use a spoon.

Arriving at the gate of the mansion he looks for a way to get the presumably locked gate open. After many minutes of searching the gates opened by themselves, slowly and unnaturally. While walking down the long walkway to the doorstep of the Manor he notices the many exotic plants, the many different trees and such.

What was Jacob doing during his search? Was he frustrated? Bored? Annoyed? When the gates started opening by themselves did he get creeped out? This is kind of like "Something mysterious is happening, but it's not really important, you can ignore it. Hey look! A plant!" If you gave Jacob some emotion here, you could probably turn this paragraph into a good piece of character development, give the reader a glimpse into the mind of Jacob so to speak.

Once at the doorstep he knocks on the door, waiting for an answer. The Tall butler opens the door for Jacob. " Ah Mr.Patterson has been waiting for you, come this way master" The butler said to him.
They begin to walk up the long stairway, reaching the top the tall butler opens up the large door to a large room. The Old man seems to be sitting in a large chair near the fireplace at teh front of the room.

Door, door, door, large door, large, large. I get it! There's doors here, and shits' huge! When I was still in grade school, I learned to read what I wrote, and if I found myself using the same word to often to try and switch it out with something more descriptive. I still use that technique to this day.

I think here, you should of been describing Jacobs surroundings, what he was seeing. Is everything ancient and dusty? Luxurious and plush? Anything interesting hanging on the walls, like portraits foreshadowing the introduction of the old man? Give the reader a little taste of what Jacobs getting into.

"Hello" Jacob said to the seemingly empty room. As he thought the nearly dead man was lounging in his comfortable chair. After introducing himself to the old man he was told to stay there as he fixed something up.

I had to read this part over a few times to make sense of it. "As he thought(comma?) the nearly dead man was lounging in his comfortable chair." Who's doing the thinking here? Jacob I assume, since everything has been about Jacob up to this point, but it could just as easily be the old man thinking here.

"After introducing himself to the old man he was told to stay there as he fixed something up." I think that instead of saying that these two were talking, you should actually have them talk to each other. This is an introduction between two main characters, I think it's important to show these interactions and how the personalities mesh.

The story is interesting, and I would like to see where it goes. I'll be popping in from time to time, keep up the good work!