'a Child Without A Life'

[TehSlapHappy]

A while back I began working on a short story that really didn't go anywhere. Well with this new Writing forum, I might get some help on how to improve this story as I go along. I just start off with how I think the story should go and write whatever comes to mind. ^____^

So here it is. The first installment of 'A Child Without A Life'.
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There once was a child that grew up in Stansburg, Idaho that was a tidbit awkward. Though strange at first, the child soon adapted to the ways of town's ways. The child began, over the years to make friends and go out with people and go to parties. He soon began to work at an office were he soon be came the CEO of the entire company. One day he saw this woman named Susan at a club he was at and it only goes up from there. The two got married and lived happily.

But this story isn't about them.

9 months later a strange thing happened. While giving birth, Susan was high on many illegal and smuggled drugs from Cuba while giving birth to her baby. Her husband was not around at the time for valid reasons. He was basically sleeping with other women, doing blow of another man's ass, the usual. As the baby was coming out a lighting storm came by an blew out the power within the hospital. Due to the poorness of the hospital, the doctors just gave up.

Meanwhile Susan tried and tried to get the baby out her by punching her stomach very hard. Unfortunately she died in the process of having her child, but her child came though. Strangely, the baby was born without a peep. He did not yell out one scream or whine. He just sat there. And sat there. And there sat he did....

Until a doctor, who've must have left his wallet, saw the baby sitting there. As much as he wanted to throw the child out the window and into the street, he instead rolled the baby down a flight of stairs and hoped for the best. As the child rolled into the streets, a happy couple of good doers found the child laying in a dirty mud puddle on the side of the curb. The two looked at each other and took the abandoned child in.

To Be Continued.......

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Yeah. Tell me whatcha think.

:3

[NekoMika]

I think this is a pretty nice short story, although it starts out about his dad and how he grew up in a very short summary, and then it turned to the baby after it was born, wonder what the people plan to do with it. Very nice story you did there.

[Evark]

At 1/30/10 06:09 PM, TehSlapHappy wrote: So here it is. The first installment of 'A Child Without A Life'.

I pretty much hate it.

There once was

Cliche start.

a child that grew up in Stansburg, Idaho that was a tidbit awkward. Though strange at first, the child soon adapted to the ways of town's ways. The child began, over the years to make friends and go out with people and go to parties. He soon began to work at an office were he soon be came the CEO of the entire company. One day he saw this woman named Susan at a club he was at and it only goes up from there. The two got married and lived happily.

This whole paragraph is perfunctory and unnecessary to the story.

But this story isn't about them.

Wow, and the above was before this line. I now slightly resent you as the author.

9 months later a strange thing happened. While giving birth, Susan was high on many illegal and smuggled drugs from Cuba while giving birth to her baby.

"While... while..." Avoid nonsense like "a strange thing happened." Not only is it cliche, but it's also useless. You can describe what happened and let the reader decide whether or not it's strange.

Her husband was not around at the time for valid reasons. He was basically sleeping with other women, doing blow of another man's ass, the usual. As the baby was coming out a lighting storm came by an blew out the power within the hospital. Due to the poorness of the hospital, the doctors just gave up.

*off *lightning. "Came by?" *and *knocked out "Due to the poorness?"

Meanwhile Susan tried and tried to get the baby out her by punching her stomach very hard. Unfortunately she died in the process of having her child, but her child came though. Strangely, the baby was born without a peep. He did not yell out one scream or whine. He just sat there. And sat there. And there sat he did....

... Is there a reason for you to be wording everything as strangely as you have?

Until a doctor, who've must have left his wallet, saw the baby sitting there. As much as he wanted to throw the child out the window and into the street, he instead rolled the baby down a flight of stairs and hoped for the best. As the child rolled into the streets, a happy couple of good doers found the child laying in a dirty mud puddle on the side of the curb. The two looked at each other and took the abandoned child in.

It's like you want the story to be funny, but the effect isn't that at all. The more I read the less invested in the story I am. The less I think that each goofy wording choice is on purpose and the more I think you just wrote whatever came to mind for 5-10 minutes and thought it'd be a good idea to post it here.

Yeah. Tell me whatcha think.

It was horrible. I don't know if you're actually trying to improve your writing but you should at least give your text a once-over before posting it. Avoid cliches. Check spelling. Don't make odd grammatical or syntax decisions unless you've bought yourself that liberty (your characters are deep enough that they are speaking vernacular, or you have an incredibly poignant subtlety to the story you'd like to convey).

Nothing happened. You detailed a scene that I couldn't believe, didn't enjoy, couldn't relate to, and had no reason for investment in.

[TehSlapHappy]

At 1/30/10 06:29 PM, Evark wrote: It was horrible. I don't know if you're actually trying to improve your writing but you should at least give your text a once-over before posting it. Avoid cliches. Check spelling. Don't make odd grammatical or syntax decisions unless you've bought yourself that liberty (your characters are deep enough that they are speaking vernacular, or you have an incredibly poignant subtlety to the story you'd like to convey).

Nothing happened. You detailed a scene that I couldn't believe, didn't enjoy, couldn't relate to, and had no reason for investment in.

Well this was written over a year ago I think and I know it's not the best, this was exactly what I was looking for to be honest. This was probably one of the most immature stories I wrote, I might soften the story and not make it all, 'OMG BABY ABUSE AND UNREALISTIC BLAH BLAH' and just tone it down a bit.

Thanks anyways.

[Evark]

At 1/30/10 06:51 PM, TehSlapHappy wrote: Well this was written over a year ago I think and I know it's not the best, this was exactly what I was looking for to be honest. This was probably one of the most immature stories I wrote, I might soften the story and not make it all, 'OMG BABY ABUSE AND UNREALISTIC BLAH BLAH' and just tone it down a bit.

Try it. I'm always glad to provide honest opinion--don't feel like you need to defend the story to me. We're all here to help each other improve as writers. Adopting an anger toward poor writing, I felt, would be helpful in this case. Because I'm pretty sure if you cleaned the story up and took it in whatever direction you actually wanted it to go it might be decent. Or you might realize that you don't have an investment in this particular story and it'll improve you for the better on future stories.

Thanks anyways.

No problem dude.