Poem #1.

[FourSwordsKing]

Danger is near.

He turned around,
Waiting for hell,
To come and get him.
He waited for the bell.

His time was up,
And he did know this,
For sure he did,
There's nothing to miss.

Satin came up,
Pitchfork and all,
"Time for hell boy,
And don't you stall."

The boy proceeded,
Without any haste,
He felt fire touch him
In some unique taste.

As death's claws,
Took around his arm,
"Do not worry,
For I shall not harm"

The boy took his first step,
Down the stairway of hell.
The chimes were still ringing,
He could still hear the bell.

As he took his first step,
He felt a pain in his back,
"Silly boy" he said,
Cutting the boy like a sack.

So beware of what happens,
Do not feel fear!
For if you do,
Danger is near.

[Danopus]

Try to focus less on rhyming in future.

Although, this IS a nice poem.

[FourSwordsKing]

At 1/30/10 12:22 PM, daniel123297 wrote: Try to focus less on rhyming in future.

Although, this IS a nice poem.

I try to keep the old "what you learned in elementary" feel to this. That's why I tried to rhyme it. Thanks.

[RWT]

At 1/30/10 12:22 PM, daniel123297 wrote: Try to focus less on rhyming in future.

Although, this IS a nice poem.

The simplicity is part of its charm. Syllabically, it works and is easy to read. There's an easy-going meter and consistent line length. All a poem really needs.

Though in the future, if you want to rearrange syntax to make a rhyme work, you need to work it heavily into the poem. One line of 'This he did know' really feels out of place.

[Mismo]

Excellent rhyme poem, bet it took time find the right words.

[TrevorW]

Rhyming is hardly all a poem need, anyone can string like words together.
Well at any rate this is alright. Keep that pen flowing.

[FourSwordsKing]

At 1/30/10 01:08 PM, TrevorW wrote: Rhyming is hardly all a poem need, anyone can string like words together.
Well at any rate this is alright. Keep that pen flowing.

I'll try.

[TrevorW]

At 1/31/10 01:16 PM, FourSwordsKing wrote:

At 1/30/10 01:08 PM, TrevorW wrote: Rhyming is hardly all a poem need, anyone can string like words together.
Well at any rate this is alright. Keep that pen flowing.

I'll try.

And all the luck to you, my friend! Be sure to post as you write -- but do so in a single thread, keep the area clutter free.

[Dubbi]

I really enjoyed you poem. The rhyming was perfect and the plot was intriguing, but there was a few flawa. For example, "And he did know this" should just of been, "and he knew this". Other than these minor blemishes you did a great job.

By the way, read my story, A nod returned.

[FourSwordsKing]

At 1/31/10 01:21 PM, TrevorW wrote:

At 1/31/10 01:16 PM, FourSwordsKing wrote:

At 1/30/10 01:08 PM, TrevorW wrote: Rhyming is hardly all a poem need, anyone can string like words together.
Well at any rate this is alright. Keep that pen flowing.

I'll try.

And all the luck to you, my friend! Be sure to post as you write -- but do so in a single thread, keep the area clutter free.

Thanks. I'll try to keep my thoughts and my pen flowing, although I'm at a writer's block right now.

[TrevorW]

At 2/1/10 07:33 PM, FourSwordsKing wrote:

Thanks. I'll try to keep my thoughts and my pen flowing, although I'm at a writer's block right now.

Try watching a good movie or listening to a good song. Experience things you normally wouldn't -- that always helps me.

[megakill]

At 1/30/10 12:20 PM, FourSwordsKing wrote: Danger is near.

This piece seems very basic and is a textbook example of the kind of poetry that a child in year 5 would write, minus the dark theme, of course, and yet, for some reason i cant bring myself to dislike it.
It like its been stripped down to the bare basics of poetry, and yet, because your talking about death, it resembles the idea that in death we are stripped of everything and brought back down to our basic elements.
Im not saying i love it, but i did enjoy it.
Nice work man

[Version2]

I liked this poem, but...

At 1/30/10 12:20 PM, FourSwordsKing wrote: Satin came up,

Satin is a very lovely smooth material. Even with pitchforks and fire, it's pretty non-threatening.

Satan on the other hand...

[FourSwordsKing]

Satin is a very lovely smooth material. Even with pitchforks and fire, it's pretty non-threatening.

Satan on the other hand...

Yeah, I forgot how to spell there for a moment.