Of Wolf And Man

[Sun-Wukong]

Recognize the title? Well, probably only if you're a Metallica fan. Alright, I guess I should give a little back story on this. It was written for an elective class I'm taking, the assignment was to write a novel in a month (November), or more specifically a rough draft of one. We used this website to validate our word count, linked here in case anyone wants to do it this year. We used the Young Writers Program website, so we could set our own word count instead of having to go for the predetermined 50,000. A lot of us did anyway, but I'm lazy so I went with 9000. To be completely accurate, I wound up with OVER 9000 though. So, keeping in mind this is the rough draft and hasn't really been edited yet, I hope to get some nice constructive criticism.

I'll go ahead and say I wrote nigh on the entire second half of the book on the last day over the span of seven hours, so I don't think it's nearly as good as the first half. I'll also go ahead and say that it started as an Idea I had for a story based on the song "Of Wolf And Man" by Metallica, but the more I wrote it kind of evolved into a non sequiter black comedy with jokes about eating people (along with dogs and cats and other domesticated beasts. Their lazy lifestyles makes them so tender...) Guess that's just how the cookie crumbles. Anyway, without further adieu I present...

Of Wolf And Man

I sit at the bar, lapping up coffee from a mug. Some woman next to me gives me a snooty look and turns away.
"Hey old top, why don't you drink that like a normal person, you're botherin' some a' my regulars." The old coot behind the counter says. I growl at him so he'll leave me alone, and I go back to drinking my coffee in peace.
"Hey," He starts up again. "I said knock that off!" He's standing up now holding a wooden bat, and suddenly he swings it at me. It isn't until now I take a good look at him. Stout, a little fat, not much hair, but his face is clean, and his hands look soft. This man wouldn't last in a fight. That's perfect.

I lunge toward him, barely avoiding the bat. My claws extend and I drill my hand into his stomach, twisting it until he faints. The woman at the bar is cowering in fear under a blood-soaked table. I pound my fist on it until she runs out of the bar screaming; now I can finish my meal, after I kill the old guy.

Chapter 1

My eardrums are ravaged by the sound of sirens, that usually means trouble for me. My head lurches forward.
"Shape..." I mumble. My head slings back and I shout into the night "Shift!" I fall to the floor, writhing around as my claws grow to full length. My fangs start to come out, stretching my gums, and next is the fur. It grows out through every pore in my body; I can feel my skin stretching with every strand. I tear my clothes off as my arms and legs bend back to normal, slowly I begin to stand on all fours. As I run for the door men in blue garb burst through and start shooting at me with their fire sticks. I move swift, all senses clean, without getting hit. I get to the door and make haste for the woods.

I run a good distance before I find the pack. It isn't long before I'm talking to another Wolf. I'm not surprised when it turns out to be complete crap.
"Jack, you killed another human didn't you?" Cale asked.
"Yeah, yeah, sorry about that." I told him, still jazzed up on coffee. He sighed.
"You need to stop drinking that brown stuff, it makes you hyper, and the pack can't afford to have you running around killing people with reckless abandon. They can kill us with those metal sticks, you've seen it happen. It's important we stick to our usual prey so we don't arouse suspicion."
"But I like coffee, and humans. They both taste so good, and they put up a better fight, most of the time anyway."
"Coffee puts up a better fight?"
"What? No, people."
"Well you said they, so I assumed-"
"No you didn't, you're just a smartass. Look Cale, nobody else seems to mind my behavior; it's hard to give a crap what you say."
"I'm just looking out for the pack, you selfish jerk."
"Oh, I'm hurt. I think I'm gonna go cry over by that tree." And with that, I take my leave.

Later in the night I try to sleep, but the coffee still won't let me; I decide to take a walk. The woods are calm at night, everything is serene and peaceful. Even I can appreciate its simple beauty, and especially the quiet, after today. Suddenly I feel tired, too tired to return to the pack. I decide to sleep where I am, nobody should care.

***

The sun feels like a hot poker through my eyelids, so I get up and start on my way back home. The walk back is different, sunlight reflecting off of every surface, the chirping of birds in my ear... That reminds me, my stomach is growling.
"Hey there blue bird, how's it going?"
"Alright, I guess. Do I know you?"
"No, I just figured- Wow, what's that!?" I called out in fervor.
"I don't see any- Ahhh!" He shrieked in terror as my mouth surrounded his entire being. It's tasty, sure, but it's not the same. The taste of a blue bird is nothing like people, and dogs, and cats, and all those other domesticated beasts. Their lazy lifestyle makes them so tender...

Continuing onward, I'm finally greeted by another wolf that isn't Cale about a half a mile from home.
"Hey Jack, where have you been? We've all been awake for three hours."
"Uh, soul searching?" I reply, hoping he'll go for it.
"Neat, come to any revelations?" Is his response.
"Yeah, I need to go away for a while, or something, the uh... divine spirits were a little vague. Guess I'll be seeing you, don't wait up for me."
"Wait, aren't you going to go and say bye to everyone?" I sigh.
"I guess that would be best..."

I've never been the most cared for guy in the pack. Well liked enough, but I didn't really have any emotional ties to other wolves. Reactions to my "news" were pretty meh.
"So, finally taking it solo?" One guy said. No one said anything important until I got to Cale.
"Good riddance!" He proclaimed. "The pack will truly be richer for your absence."
"Pardon?" I ask. Cale is a jerk, nobody would deny that. This is still a little much for him. He's at least more subtle than this.
"You won't be missed, leaving now is the best thing you've ever done for us."
"Come on, what about the time I killed that rogue elephant that escaped from the zoo and shared it with everyone?"
"That never hap... Oh, a joke, surprising."
"What's with you today? Is there a certain time of the month I should be weary of from now on? Have you finally grown into a mature young bitch?"
"Enough! You think you're great, and that you contribute so much to this pack, but you don't. Then you come in saying you're leaving and expect what, some big parade? Go, now."
"Hey, don't lay all this on me. For your information I realize how little I contribute to this pack, I really don't care. And it wasn't my idea to tell everyone I'm leaving, Shapey over there insisted."
"Fine, none of that matters. You're still-" I have to cut him off there. I tackle him and start clawing; I've had enough of his crap. I was mostly leaving because of him, but once he's gone I may just stay. I'll give Cale this much, he can fight. He's certainly not lying there and taking it. I decimate the left side of his face and he leaves a huge gash in my right side. We don't let up until another member of the pack breaks us up.
"This isn't solving anything. If you two are going to fight, let's make it interesting."

[Sun-Wukong]

Ah, nobody's posted... Well, here's the next part anyway.

Chapter 2

"Interesting how?" I inquire, panting heavily.
"Well, we've all been bored lately, why not put on a show?" He says. His name is Yorick, besides that he's a mystery.
"No, this isn't some spectacle for everyone to awe at, it's a-" Cale starts up before I interrupt him.
"Well that's a shame because I would be honored, personally." I say, just out of spite.
"See Cale, Jack's a team player. Have a little more sense of community."
"Fine, if everyone wants a fight, I'll give them an all out brawl."

I suppose I'll have to get this puncture wound treated, I can't really fight if I start losing blood as soon as it gets pumping. I don't really have any options here in the woods, so it's off to the human world. I shift to human form about a half-mile from the street. As I step on the blacktop the cool air of mid winter reminds me of how inconvenient human flesh is. I find an emergency room and play dead on the floor until someone notices my wound, that usually works.

"Good lord, man. What happened to you?" The doctor asks.
"Uh, I got mugged. It's from a knife."
"Looks more like a claw to-"
"Can you fix me up, Doc?"
"Yes, but I'll have to contact the authorities. Standard protocol with gunshots, knife wounds and the like. You probably knew that though."
"Authorities," I think to myself. "I don't like the sound of that..."
"I'll just put you under with the anesthesia and get to work."

I wake up to see the doctor putting down his phone, I picked that word up hanging around a barber shop, the old people were all complaining about kids and these things called cell phones.
"Was that, uh... Puh-leece?" I stammer.
"Yes, it was. You'll be escorted to the police department soon for questioning about the assailant. You woke up quicker than I expected, so it's still going to be another twenty minutes or so. Make yourself comfortable until then. By the way, you were ...in the nude when you arrived, looked like he guy from The Terminator. I've left some clothes from the lost and found on the table." I put the clothes on, a denim jacket and some torn up jeans. How did somebody lose their pants? Anyway, I lie in wait for what seems like hours before the doctor leaves the room. Now is my opportunity, I go for it and jump out of the window. He's done nothing to antagonize me, so I leave him alone. What kind of monster would I be if I didn't?

On the way back, I look all around before reverting back to wolf form. I can swear I hear someone moving in a bush, but I have no time to investigate. The fight should start soon, I hurry for the woods.

"Okay, this is gonna be a grudge match between two rivals, Jack and Cale. I want a clean fight-" Yorick calls out to the audience.
"You're no authority on this, get outta here!" I yell, shooing him away. "Gentlemen, place your bets; the best hunter in the pack! ...or Cale."
I look at him; his face is still messed up as all hell. I guess he didn't go to a doctor. I'm not sure if I'm impressed or if I want to laugh at his arrogance. If I want to laugh at his arrogance. I decide to make the first strike, I jump and stab at him with my claws, but he rolls out of the way. I duck as he tries to return a blow and land an uppercut on the way back up. He flips back onto all fours upon impact and dashes at me. I hop up and grab his back with my teeth, biting and gnawing and tearing away at skin. I can hear him starting to scream, so I get off and tackle him.
"What's wrong, having trouble breathing?" I say, before I dig my claw into his neck.
"No, it just feels like I have a mosquito stuck on my neck." He rolls away, my hand still in is neck, and he slams me onto the ground. I suddenly feel his claws digging into my stomach. Damn, a stalemate. I go for broke and stand up, Cale trying to drag me down. I dash back and forth trying to shake him, but he keeps holding on. I decide it's time to get risky. I run as fast as I can towards a nearby cliff. If I'm lucky, he thinks I'm crazy enough to jump.
"Are you crazy? This isn't worth dieing over!" He cries. I don't plan on it either. I keep running faster , he keeps gripping harder, both of us waiting for the other to give. No more than a foot from the edge, I stop, but not before he decides to let go. I won! ...But he just fell down the cliff.

[sumguy720]

Well it's not terrible!
I'm uh... I don't usually give feedback on writing, so take this criticism as 'readers feedback'.

The whole progression is too jagged. The characters seems to burst into conflicts without warning, and the scenes change a little too frequently.
Like in the opening, I was really put off by how fast the bartender resorted to violence over something as silly as the way a guy drinks his coffee. I was also confused as to how a person- or in this case a werewolf in person form- could have claws.
In my opinion it was all a little too surreal and dramatic. From the bartender getting killed to the werewolf dude transforming with some sort of super saiyan battle cry, to the immediacy of the police showing up and opening fire.
Especially during the action scenes (which is really a lot of it) there are a lot of details left out. Why isn't the main character getting shot? Why is he fighting with some other guy later, and why do they not come away crippled?
It would also be good if you could develop some of the conversations more, describe the scenery more, just put more detail into it, make the text progress at a realistic rate. You did a good job with some of your imagery, and your ideas could be good, you just have to flesh them out.
And maybe it would help to draw some story-board pictures, so you can look at what you're describing, and make sure the reader isn't confused when you make a sudden scene transition.

Overall I think you have a lot of potential for improvement.

[Sun-Wukong]

Thank you! No, that's not sarcasm, you're the first person to give any real criticism. Everyone else seemed like they were holding back, but no I have something to go by.

[Dubbi]

In regards to your prose you're no Dickens, and in a sort of ironic way, I find myself enjoying the story more because of this. Your writing style is very simple and in consequnce I have no problems comprehending the gore-filled adventures of Jake the Werewolf. The plot is intriguing and filled with blood and fights at every turn, but what really impressed me were the characters, in this aspect you did a truly great job. Jake has an interesting personality and I find that you really gave him a voice, and Cale is also very well conceived. I'm looking foward to chapter 3! :)

By the way, read my story, A nod returned.