1st try.. Please read/give feedback

[Mistake82]

Sho Ryuu was born of two well connected Cathak diplomats in Sion, Jade Coast province, on the blessed isle. At a young age Sho Ryuu always wanted to follow in his grandmother's foot steps as a Taimyo in the army. He looked up to her and as soon as he could pick up a sword she taught him how to fight. She taught him that each attack should be deadly and honourable, with precision and passion, focusing and infusing his essence with blow. She also told him to be true to himself, no matter how grave the situation is.
After only 18 months of studding under her, Sho Ryuu started to attended the House of Bells, where he focusing his knowledge of how to fight and learning the art of war and how to command. Sho Ryuu was given a squad to command from the off, they were all mortal. This didn't bother him just made him more determind to sussed with them. They drilled harder and longer then all the other squads, they wanting them to be able to take on anything, their determination never wavered and they always had high moral. Sho Ryuu coached them in combat with the knowledge his Grandmother had instilled in him. They all helped each other in the short comings. However Sho Ryuu kept getting distracted by another squad leader, a young female officer called Mnemon Aimi Kokoro; she was as beautiful as she was deadly. Sho Ryuu fell for her as soon as he saw her, madly and passionately their relationship grew. Sho Ryuu was the better swords man but Aimi Kokoro was the more graceful and intelligent fighter, she could provoke Sho Ryuu, using his fury to clouded his judgment, exploiting him.
During one trial, both Sho Ryuu and Aimi Kokoro's squad were pitted against each other; they were taken out into the wild for a refinement in gorilla warfare. The conflict and confusion that ensued, Sho Ryuu squad was ambushed by Aimi Kokoro's squad near to a cliff top. In the heat of the battle it turned in to a dog fight, one of his squad was corned and pushed back off the edge of the cliff, Sho Ryuu jumped off trying to save him but was too late, only Sho Ryuu survived the fall. The teachers ruled it as an accident. Even so this hit Sho Ryuu and the squad hard, Sho Ryuu blaming himself for not being able to save him. Sho Ryuu almost quit, but the rest of the squad wouldn't let him. They helped him recover from this by, after pulling a few strings, taking him to see Tachi-Kun. Where after explaining what had happened, Tachi-Kun took the young squad leader aside and told him. Anyone can fight like dogs and win at all costs, but a true leader cares and inspires his men to victory, sometimes putting them before himself. With these words stuck in Sho Ryuu mind he returned to the House of Bells to complete his training. While Sho Ryuu was dealing with his inner turmoil, Mnemon Aimi Kokoro caught another mans eye, this man was V'Neef Teraka. As they finished off their training Sho Ryuu's Squad rose to second highest in the year, finishing second to Mnemon Aimi Kokoro squad.
Sho Ryuu's first posting was a Fanglord with his squad underneath him. He quickly rose through the ranks, with his men by his side. They were unstoppable; they did exactly as they were instructed with out hesitation, even overtaking Mnemon Aimi Kokoro to become a Talonlord. A few people were suspicious of how some one so young could progress so quickly, especially V'Neef Teraka. Eventually Sho Ryuu and Aimi Kokoro wed, and started there life together, they where assigned in the same wing.
One day Sho Ryuu was given an order by Winglord V'neef Teraka, for him to personally take a Fang of his best men to patrol a system of caves close to where he was. Sho Ryuu followed the order to the letter; he gathered his fang together, which consisted of his former squad and his new wife. They set out as soon as they were ready for this mission. These caves had no known natural predators dwelling in it and had no special properties about it, but Sho Ryuu did as he was told. They enter the cave in early morning and as soon as they got in there, they were ambushed being driven deep into the cave. The group were well organised and lead by an anathema, He had a blazing sun motif on his forehead. He had long blonde hair, bright blue eyes and built like a brick wall. As the ambush started to look like it would swing in favour of the small Fang, the chosen of the unconquered sun struck the side of the wall which caused a cave in. The sealing fell on top of the fang crushing and killing all but Sho Ryuu. Sho Ryuu was trapped in the cave, as the magnitude of the situation hit him; he began to dig for his friends and his wife. After 3 hours of digging he found one of the squad, dead, then he pull out another body each hour until he found them all. The only body left in the rubble was his beloved wife, so Sho Ryuu carried on digging well into the night and by the morning had uncover the battered and blooded body of Aimi Kokoro. After digging his way out of the cave, Sho Ryuu, with his eyes streaming with tears, dug the squads' graves and laid them to rest. Drying his eyes, he picked up the beaten and battered body of his beloved and walked non stop back all the way to his barracks. After arriving back late at night, he marched straight to Teraka's home and smashed his way in. When he located Teraka in his bedroom, Sho Ryuu laid Aimi Kokoro's body down on the bed and cried out in pain 'this is your entirely your fault'. Within a blink of an eye Sho Ryuu had drawn his diaklave and pounced on him, pounding away at his face with the pommel. Moments after the cry, Teraka's guards burst into the room pulling Sho Ryuu off Teraka. Sho Ryuu was put in incarceration until he had calmed down. 2 weeks later after the screaming and pounding of the walls had stopped, Sho Ryuu was interviewed about the incidence. He explained what happened and was punished severely, only saved by his immaculate record and the string his parents pulled. The punishment was to strip him of his command and place him back in as a squady.
This all happened only three months ago............................his life and search for Aimi Kokoro's killer begins.

[Aigis]

Paragraphs, man.

[Reptyle]

At 1/29/10 06:02 AM, Aigis wrote: Paragraphs, man.

It is something of a wall of text. As well, could have used a bit more description, notably as to more unusual plot points, like what a "taimyo" or the "house of bells" is. Some proofreading is also in order.

"Gorilla warfare", lol

[gumOnShoe]

I think you should consider the difference, if there is one, between story telling and an essay. I also think you should consider whether your sentences really are covering all there is to cover. For instance, you tell us this boy fell madly in love with a girl and that their relationship grew. But what does that really mean? How did he court her? What did they talk about? Who is this person? How is the team helping itself? Are we really to believe there is absolutely no conflict between the members of the squad?

There's a lot of room here for expansion and conflict. I think what you have right now is an outline. Turn each sentance into a bullet point and you should easily be able to come up with 5 ideas and 20 scenes to fit under it.

[Mistake82]

At 1/29/10 02:30 PM, gumOnShoe wrote: There's a lot of room here for expansion and conflict. I think what you have right now is an outline. Turn each sentance into a bullet point and you should easily be able to come up with 5 ideas and 20 scenes to fit under it.

Thanks very much for the feedback, I will develop these concepts futher