Please read my piece

[AppleLPfreak]

It's not much right now, and I'm very open to suggestions, plot ideas, characters, things like that. THANKS!!!
Lab Freaks

I was in the perfect place to assassinate my target. His name is Selim Handuseen, and he's the most wanted person on planet. He's a businessman in all the wrong places. Arms, drugs, human trafficking, animal trafficking, you name it and if it's a crime, he's at the top of it. The reason why the governments of the globe can't catch him is because he hides behind his bodyguards, and the press. He has many charities that help his image, but is using the charities to distribute his "services" to various anonymous buyers. At this current moment he just got out of a meeting with a very mysterious scientist that he's been seeing for awhile now. The scientist is a man by the name of Dr. Henry Vechturgal, and he's the current leader in cell research and experimentation. My name is Dante Holstein. I was born in 356 BC, which is when Alexander the Great was born, but unlike him, I didn't get to die when I should have long ago.

[HahaISuckMoreThanYou]

The scientist is a man by the name of Dr. Henry Vechturgal, and he's the current leader in cell research and experimentation. My name is Dante Holstein. I was born in 356 BC, which is when Alexander the Great was born, but unlike him, I didn't get to die when I should have long ago.

Ok, I may see organized press with heralds back in 356BC, but cell research? A lil ahead of the times don't ya think? :P

I know you mean the current present, but honestly it's kind of a generic story intro and it leaves a heavy gap of what happened in between then. Maybe you should've wrote more of the story before posting in writing forum because you hardly mentioned much.

[Kajenx]

Lol, he's writing about present day, the dude was just born in the BCs.

This sounds more like a story synopsis, why don't you write it out?

[Ass-Crumb]

At 1/29/10 03:13 AM, HahaISuckMoreThanYou wrote: I know you mean the current present, but honestly it's kind of a generic story intro and it leaves a heavy gap of what happened in between then. Maybe you should've wrote more of the story before posting in writing forum because you hardly mentioned much.

Mostly this. I don't think it's enough to warrant it's own thread, and it is very generic. One thing I think is wrong with it is from what I'm seeing the intro is too neutral to sound like it's from a certain character- (He seems to be know all, and presents the facts straightforward with little opinion), but too personal to be from any point of view except first person (The narrator in this is obviously a first person character, and it was written that way too.)

First person can get incredibly hard to write. I've tried before, but for it to be really good it helps to get into the head of the protagonist and write it as if they were saying it. In this regard biographical stuff is an easy learning point that you should start with if you're writing with it, but I digress. The genericness of the narration also doesn't help, starting like any old throwaway detective noir story, which really means that it sounds like any old first person story because frankly everyone starts like that.

It can be done right, sound great, and be full of personality, even if it is cliche, but this wasn't that case. Describing a scene, but then slowly goes into character intros without any elaboration on the scene doesn't help at all, and the character intros themselves were very generic as well. (So he's an arms dealer and crime boss basically, typical bond villian from the sound of it, who's meeting the head of cell research nationwide, which also doesn't sound too interesting because the incredibly foreign sounding name doesn't do much but cement himself as a throwaway bond type villian anyway.)

Then there's the problem of the main character. His intro is only one sentence and, like the villians cements him as a non-unique throwaway character as well. Rather than introducing him with a description, or really anything interesting, you just throw in his name, namedrop Alexander the Great despite him really having nothing to do with the story and no place being there (As if to say, "Hey, I looked up when Alexander the Great was alive, I think I'm just going to throw that INCREDIBLY AWESOME TIDBIT into my story, because I know that. I'm smart.) The only reason I can think of him being there is for frame of reference, to give a decent idea of how long he was alive, but frankly it was only a passing mention and there's not even really any expanding on exactly how long that is, or more precisely how long that'd fucking feel, to sit around that long with your thumb up your ass, because frankly there's nothing in between then and now that shows that he was doing anything of importance.

Frankly there are plenty of places this story could go, which is more interesting then where this has already gone, IMHO. I can think of a million ways this story could be expanded, going into how he became immortal, all the things he's done with his long life (Could range from "My life sucks ass, I've been here 2400 years and I haven't really done shit," to "I'm the immortal Forrest Gump and everything rad as you know it was made, influenced or inspired by me"), how the other guy came to power, what exactly he has done wrong, etc.

All in all, this work felt weak to me. I am a firm believer that there is no such thing as flaws in writing (other than grammatical, unless purposeful like when conveying a characters slurs, accents or quotes for instance) and the only reason a work was bad was because it was in the hands of someone who didn't write it well, which is what this felt like. Very sloppy, somewhat rushed, and altogether made with 0 thought past cliches.

Since you asked for feedback, I'm giving you a shitload, because frankly I think that a beginner writer (Not necessarily saying you're a beginner- you just write like one, sorry.) should always have more feedback than someone who obviously knows their shit.

So yeah, hope you find some of this helpful and hash out a few better ideas for this.

[TrevorW]

How this reminds me of Roshak's narration through out Watchmen.

[AppleLPfreak]

At 1/29/10 03:13 AM, HahaISuckMoreThanYou wrote: The scientist is a man by the name of Dr. Henry Vechturgal, and he's the current leader in cell research and experimentation. My name is Dante Holstein. I was born in 356 BC, which is when Alexander the Great was born, but unlike him, I didn't get to die when I should have long ago.

Ok, I may see organized press with heralds back in 356BC, but cell research? A lil ahead of the times don't ya think? :P

I know you mean the current present, but honestly it's kind of a generic story intro and it leaves a heavy gap of what happened in between then. Maybe you should've wrote more of the story before posting in writing forum because you hardly mentioned much.

no, no, no, no, no. he's first talking about the present day cell research, here, I wrote more to help answer the questions. Dante, is basically going through a flashback, telling how he came to be, then he'll explain his current situation.
My name is Dante Holstein. I was born in 356 BC, which is when Alexander the Great was born, but unlike him I didn't get to die when I should have long ago. It all started when Alexander wanted to start expanding the Roman Empire. The Romans knew that even with a leader as strong as Alexander, he would need a soldier to truly strengthen his army's forces. So, his father had asked the priest of Ares, the god of war to help him. They told his father to bring them a boy 10 years of age to them, and if your not a total idiot, you've figured out it was me. The men had become drunk and then started a prayer, and the prayer was asking Ares to help this boy to become stronger for the army of the great Alexander. So, Ares had given me a small part of his soul, and I had been greatly changed. Suddenly, I was a man, and was strong, fast, and immortal. He had also granted the priests with a potion to turn me into an invincible man. So, of course they had brewed the concoction and forced me to drink it. Then, they threw a spear at my head. It had stung, but I was alive and could pull the spear back out and throw it at who had thrown it at me. Now your probably wondering two things: how did the empire fall, and what's that potion that turned me invincible? Well, I'll tell you that later since it does not have to do with the present day or what I'm doing at this very moment. I am holding a .250 caliber Beretta sniper rifle. You've never heard of this caliber because they don't make it for humans. I pick

[AppleLPfreak]

then, he'll go into assassinating Salim, which I haven't got to yet, but I'll keep you posted

[AppleLPfreak]

Thanks Ass-Crumb, what you said has definitely been helpful. this is my first real story, so your criticism is helpful.Thanks!!