Read my writing and critique!

[4Doctodragon]

I wrote this a while back, and I've been editing it on and off, when I first wrote it I was really excited about it, but I want to see how it makes others feel...

Now, before reading, you must know that it's a very unusual style of writing-- this is something I am proud of. But it is also an equally as unusual story, so be prepared.

CLICK HERE TO READ.

it's a pdf, so you need adobe acrobat (in case you live a cave or something and don't know that by now)

GIVE ME REVIEWS AND OPINIONS, BITCHES.

[TrevorW]

Please post it on the topic. Many of us do not trust links.

[4Doctodragon]

At 1/28/10 09:18 PM, TrevorW wrote: Please post it on the topic. Many of us do not trust links.

Well it's seven pages in word, so that would be a bit cumbersome for me. Plus I rather distrust copyable text.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 1/28/10 09:18 PM, TrevorW wrote: Please post it on the topic. Many of us do not trust links.

Well, it's fine that he posted it off topic and it's a safe link, but it'd be a lot better if you hosted it on a site where we didn't need an account to read it.

[4Doctodragon]

At 1/28/10 09:22 PM, InsertFunnyUserName wrote: Well, it's fine that he posted it off topic and it's a safe link, but it'd be a lot better if you hosted it on a site where we didn't need an account to read it.

Oh, that's disappointing, I didn't realize it did that... hold on a bit.

[4Doctodragon]

Okay, so here's a pdf. I'm sorry it's been a bit of a hassle, I'll prepare better next time and probably post it on the site in plain text. D:

[Timmy]

At 1/28/10 09:32 PM, ParadoxSaint wrote: Okay, so here's a pdf. I'm sorry it's been a bit of a hassle, I'll prepare better next time and probably post it on the site in plain text. D:

Just fyi, the link is safe and the story is definitely worth a look.

A bit difficult to absorb everything on the first read-through, since Paradox's vocabulary is quite extensive - but a very interesting tale of a jealous lover sinking further and further into the murky depths of homicidal delusion.

An intelligent piece of literature, there's no denying it. I hope you finish it.

[fli]

This is a really dishonest piece.
Because there isn't an honest exchange of emotion first in the paper and you, and second...between the characters and their environments.

It's an engaging story nonetheless, and I enjoyed it.
But I had to read it a second time because I'm not sure where the language was taking me.

Wallowing in words is a never good thing. It burdens down everything, makes people take out their dictionaries, and it seems to appeal to people who are brainy instead of a general audience. Maybe it's not a bad thing... William Faulkner believed in using an elevated language. And it looks like you're very good in writing sentences. There is beauty in that. But there is also beauty in the simple word that conveys everything. Stephan King says it best, "If shit is the proper word, don't use defecate." (I'm really paraphrasing a long sentence from On Writing, but that what it says more or less...) That's what it means being honest.

The whole introduction is really unnecessary, but it's engaging in what it says. A good general rule about writing: Show, don't tell. Try to integrate this by illustrating, through physical action of the characters, about "psycophants."

This is a solid draft overall that I personally enjoy. Try to find the parts where it seems when you had a moment when you just wanted to use a higher vocabulary. Use the first word that came to your mind if you can remember. That's the honest word, and behind that is the genuine emotion you want to convey.

[4Doctodragon]

Thanks for the useful information, mates! Fli, you're right, I felt silly writing that introduction but I thought some nerd would find out and copulate me for it. I'm going to use that advice. On the other hand, I can't agree with you about the verbiage; every time I read a book and I have to break out the dictionary I get a raging hard-on. Not that I support verbosity to the point of sounding silly, but I tried my hardest to avoid that...

[Dubbi]

At 2/3/10 05:51 PM, ParadoxSaint wrote: Thanks for the useful information, mates! Fli, you're right, I felt silly writing that introduction but I thought some nerd would find out and copulate me for it. I'm going to use that advice. On the other hand, I can't agree with you about the verbiage; every time I read a book and I have to break out the dictionary I get a raging hard-on. Not that I support verbosity to the point of sounding silly, but I tried my hardest to avoid that...

I read your story and I could discern that you put quite a bit of effort into it. I liked it for the most part, it had a pretty interseting story and decent writing, but alas it wasn't great. There was no real personality in any of the characters, I understand that Harold is a homicidal lunatic, but other than that he's seems 2 dimensional. The writing was, as I said, decent. The sentences were well constructed and you used some advanced diction although some words seemed a bit superfluous. Furthermore I enjoyed the writing, but nothing amazed me, there was nothing in your writing I that I could really say was scintillating. But don't get me wrong it was a decent story, just not a great one. Was the neigbors property that he visited at the end the residence of his ex lover? Also why call the story psychophant, meaning someone who uses flattery to get ahead, why didn't use just use psychopath?

As I did read and critique your story, I expect you to return the the favor, please read my story, A nod returned.

I think the story clearly voices its atmosphere through some of the more simple sections and exchanges. It's a dark story, and it interests me to see what the story's message could lead to in a context. Whether psychosis is given a front-seat by you, what you describe in the story seems to be more general and going for an image that you wouldn't need psychosis to understand - and I think that's a good thing. Again, some sections have clear attention given to sentence crafting, and as a result, a less exotic vocabulary, but this works when you're describing the tensest moments.

I'll admit too that while you're exhibiting a very varied vocabulary in this story, it's what also suffocates some of the images at times. You've got some wonderful oppurtunities to use imagery in this story, and while you do implement them into your story-telling, they seem to be strangely buried under pretense or too many words. There are lots on flowers for instance. Those examples would've been great to read alone, and the egg yolk usage could fall into this too. The great word variety is used for a plus, to possibly enrichen the distancing of the story, which I think you've done. At the same time, it offers less oppurtunity to experiment with your pacing as everything is approaching at once, especially towards the beginning. You might even be able to exaggerate some of the uses of tense you've set up by slowing them down, though I'm not sure how true that might be to psychosis and related issues.

I do like how you've illustrated your thoughts on whatever you may've intended. To me, a lot of it seems exaggerated for the purpose of a good read, but I think you can keep that without drowning out the pictures that might mae your story more multi-sided as far as its art goes.

Kudos for trying with the vocab in the first place though.

[gumOnShoe]

At 2/3/10 05:51 PM, ParadoxSaint wrote: I can't agree with you about the verbiage;

This is the thing that get's me. Verbiage, if you take the time to look it up means unnecessary excess of words. And since you chose the word, I don't think you really meant what you said, and I think that's where its a problem in your story.

Anyway, I read it up to a point. But I'm not a fan of stories written about Psychosis. Its mostly a personal preference, but if I'm unable to connect to the person presented as a main character I don't generally care. That may mean I'm a lazy reader, but then most readers are. Depends on what your goal set for this story is.

I'd say there are definite language issues, and I found more than one grammatical problem that went beyond choice of structure in the first two pages.

The intro paragraph could be condensed to mirror what a definition usually looks like, instead of a defense. Or you could do something different with punctuation to emphasize you are doing it differently. It doesn't stand well now.

Oh, and I can still copy and paste your text, even though you've put it in pdf format. Just a thought.