Experimental

[TrevorW]

Just trying something here. I would call this a doodle.
What do you all think?

Etched in stone
Etched in stone
I crave blood etched in stone.
To all the things we can't atone
I say lets go along, alone.
Alone -
alone!

Take a breath:

Pain and agony,
pain and agony,
welcome to my world -
welcome to my world!
Hehehehe-he, welcome to my destiny
(this is all I could be)
A lone tight-walker walking
on tender line, such a slender line -
a sublime line. Paying time
for my crime.

Such a deadly time.
Such a lofty line.
Crime, crime, -- crime
This is what I did:
when I was a young boy
I was born - what a crime.

Born to a freak show;
my life is on show and tell,
don't You know?
Poke at me, laugh at me -
You will see.
I crave blood
etched in destiny:

splattered all over Thee.

Curtain Call.

[Kajenx]

Ohh, I think this is pretty good. I've got some specific gripes though

Etched in stone
Etched in stone
I crave blood etched in stone.
To all the things we can't atone
I say lets go along, alone.
Alone -
alone!

Overall this has a nice rhythm, but I want two more syllables in the "I crave" line to make is really sing.

Take a breath:

Pain and agony,
pain and agony,
welcome to my world -
welcome to my world!
Hehehehe-he, welcome to my destiny
(this is all I could be)
A lone tight-walker walking
on tender line, such a slender line -
a sublime line. Paying time
for my crime.

The "hehe" stuff makes it feel like it want's a rhythm but I can't feel it...

Such a deadly time.
Such a lofty line.
Crime, crime, -- crime
This is what I did:
when I was a young boy
I was born - what a crime.

I love that! It's so unexpected, and funny in a dark way.

Born to a freak show;
my life is on show and tell,
don't You know?
Poke at me, laugh at me -
You will see.
I crave blood
etched in destiny:

Eh, this is a bit bash-you-over-the-head-with-details. I'd rather not know, and once I did I didn't care.

splattered all over Thee.

Maybe you're poking fun at thespians, but it feels more jarring than that, like it's trying to fit. I'd probably take it out...

Curtain Call.

I think this line explains the whole last piece. It's really all you need, I think.

[TrevorW]

Thank you. My mode was a bit weird today. I agree, and this here it is.
As for the hehhe...I haven't a clue. I sort of just put this together to...yeah.
No reason.

Etched in stone
Etched in stone
I crave black-blood etched in stone.
To all the things we can't atone
I say lets go along, alone.
Alone -
alone!

Take a breath:

Pain and agony,
pain and agony,
welcome to my world -
welcome to my world!
Hehehehe-he, welcome to my destiny
(this is all I could be)
A lone tight-walker walking
on tender line, such a slender line -
a sublime line. Paying time
for my crime.

Such a deadly time.
Such a lofty line.
Crime, crime, -- crime
This is what I did:
when I was a young boy
I was born - what a crime.

Curtain Call.

[Evark]

I hate the repeating lines. They aren't highlighting anything important. The repeated words are tolerable... but the same phrase twice in a row makes the reader resent reading your work.

Other than that, I do like the flow of it and the disjointedness that the repetition imparts. It's a great motif to match the personality you'd expect from the 'subject' of the piece.

[Kajenx]

Yeah, I think I like that better. Though I can see Evark's point. I think the repetition work's really well in the first part, but in the second, it doesn't seem as important.

[TrevorW]

Thanks guys. This will be thrown away. Though I am going to keep the first stanza. I wanted this to be labeled as experimental because this is not how I usually write. This was more song like and I feelthat this may not be a direction that I want to take. Thanks a lot!

[megakill]

This work speaks to me, portraying the outcast in society.

You walk the fine line of normality, and yet you stray from the path in your originality, yet only those who seek to hurt you shall perish!

It seems to be a great story of subtle retribution, as we all stugle to establish out place in this world.

Very well done!