The Conveince Store

[joekuli]

Script for something i wish i could do.

JOE:Good afternoon Mrs. how may i help you?
Mrs:Hello, could I please get a pack of cigarettes?
JOE:Sure, what kind would you like?
Mrs:The tall, thin, blue box there
JOE:(in side head)Tall thin blue box, that's pretty much the whole wall.(to MRS.)This one Mrs.?(points to random one)
Mrs:NO! the tall thin one, right there on the middle shelf.(points in the area of middle shelf)
JOE:(inside head) now we're getting some where.(to Mrs.) Oh the menthol.
Mrs:Yes, can I also get the red one as well.
JOE:(inside of head) why is it like a rainbow, makes it harder than it is.(to Mrs.)This one Mrs?
Mrs: Yes thank you that will be all.
JOE: Okay, can I see your ID please ma'am?
Mrs: What do you mean? Don't I look old enough?
JOE: Well you see ma'am it's...
Mrs: I come to this bloody store each day and get the cigarettes.
JOE: But Mrs...
Mrs: Don't BUT! me, just tell me what the hell is my total so I can pay you.
JOE: Okay sorry, your total is $18.68
Mrs. Okay, let me get my money.(begins placing money on counter.)
JOE:(Inside of head)Oh great, she's counting it out and it's all in pennys.(frowns and to Mrs.) Ma'am may I help you cout out the money?
Mrs. I got it, 67...68, there you go.(Joe grabb's it and begins to count it)why are you recounting, don't you trust my count.
JOE: Well Ma'am I just have to make sure you've given me the right ammount.
Mrs: what you don't trust my counting. Am I not trusted. just put it in the drawer, I don't want the change. You got sixtey eight cents as asked.
JOE: Ma'am the total was $18.68.
Mrs: What? you said sixtey eighty cents. it's sixtey-seven cents plus one cent for tax.
JOE: Well Mrs., the cigarrettes are $9.64 each.
Mrs. Really? that much? what kind did I get?
JOE: Menthol.
Mrs. Oh...okay, never mind then, I'll just go to the corner store.
(Joe watches Mrs. leave the store. As he's putting the cigarretes away, a polic officer walks in.)
Officer: Excuse me sir, did you have intent to selling cigarrettes to that previous customer?
JOE: Umm, yes sir why?
Officer: Well....Joe could you call your store manager to the front please.
JOE:Yes sir.(picks up phone)Dillian to the front please.Kevin to the front please.
(Dillin comes walking from the middle isle and notices the officer)
DILLIN: Can I help you officer Richards?
OFFICER: Why yes DILLINS, it appears your cashier here had an intent to sell cigarrettes to an under aged minor.(Joe tenses up).
DILLIN: Oh dear.
OFFICER:If i could kindly ask you to sign this paper, the both of you, we can get through this painlessley.
DILLIN: Okay.(signs paper)
JOE:(signs paper)What's going to happen?
OFFICER:Well if all comes to worst, you can be fined for $15,000 and fired, but that's up to you store manager, actually, if I'm correct you'll be fined $10,000. Now will you please step out from behind the registar.(takes out hancuffs) Place both hands on the counter and spread out. Okay, You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand these rights as they have been read to you?
JOE:Yes sir.(hands cuffed and lead out the door.
(last scene, shot of Joe in the back of police looking back in disappointment.)

[Nero-Zero]

what do u need now?

[Kajenx]

Lol, wtf?! That just pissed me off. Not only was the story pointless and unresolved, but it was written in a way that made me think it wasn't going to be.

HOW DARE YOU?!

[fli]

Wow-- that's a lot of action. It's melodramatic.
And that's never a good thing.
And most of it is chit chat stuff.

You had a good situation to begin with.
A guy who wants to buy cigarettes, and the other won't give it to him.

But you resolve way too quickly.

Give your characters some kind of personality and struggle.

What if the guy buying cigarettes was a racist, and the other guy an Indian born in America? What kind of resolution can they arrive?

I recommend that you get Celtx, which is a pretty darn good script format software that's compares with the very expensive Final Draft Pro.

It will help you write without fumbling around the text. They have automatic tabbing features that makes writing a script such a breeze. (I still like my Final Draft Pro... but if you don't want to cough up cash... go with Celtx.)

Celtx script formating software.

[joekuli]

At 1/28/10 11:50 PM, fli wrote: Wow-- that's a lot of action. It's melodramatic.
And that's never a good thing.
And most of it is chit chat stuff.

You had a good situation to begin with.
A guy who wants to buy cigarettes, and the other won't give it to him.

But you resolve way too quickly.

Give your characters some kind of personality and struggle.

What if the guy buying cigarettes was a racist, and the other guy an Indian born in America? What kind of resolution can they arrive?

I recommend that you get Celtx, which is a pretty darn good script format software that's compares with the very expensive Final Draft Pro.

It will help you write without fumbling around the text. They have automatic tabbing features that makes writing a script such a breeze. (I still like my Final Draft Pro... but if you don't want to cough up cash... go with Celtx.)

Celtx script formating software.

thanks, I'll probably use that. also it's a Mrs. -_- so how is it a guy? lol. btw, being a store clerk, you can't argue, but i might beefen this up a little and break that rule.