How to Kill Somebody

[Salnax]

This is part of a writing assignment I turned in recently.

First off, its important to know who you are going to kill and why you're going to kill them. This may sound obvious, but it's surprising how many people fail to consider this properly. Are you after a specific person, or do you just want to taste some blood? Did they do something in particular? Should you factor this into how you kill them? Homicide is a serious business. Think it through.
The next thing you should do is consider exactly how you're going to kill the person. Running up to them and blowing their heads off with a shotgun might be tempting, but let's work under the assumption that you don't want to be caught afterwards. Consider your target's normal behaviors and routines. Maybe they skydive on the weekends. There's a whole lot of opportunity right there. Even something as mundane as a drive through the countryside or riding a roller coaster can become deadly without arousing suspicion. Make sure the murder makes sense in context of the target's life.
Then, you have the actual murder. Preferably, you shouldn't be anywhere near the scene, and should have a solid alibi. If you prepare things in advance, you can have twenty witnesses saying that you were nowhere near the scene of the crime. If you're at a child's birthday party or are doing charity work, it would be hard for somebody to link you with a grisly murderer. If you must be near the scene of the crime, just be sure to have a solid reason for being there.
Last, there's the aftermath. If you never knew the person, than you should just avoid everything that happens afterwards. If they were close to you, be sure to attend their funeral and try to help their family. Crying while giving a speech at the funeral works like a charm. So long as you don't have a guilty conscience, its unlikely that you'll give yourself away by accident. Just play the role of a mourning companion, and you'll do fine.
Congratulations! You are now an accomplished killer! Now you can either go on with the rest of your life, or eliminate somebody else. Either way, the world is your oyster.

My teacher said something along the lines of "I love your dark sense of humor Salnax." That's why she's awesome.

[Reptyle]

Interesting, amusing, and flows fairly well, but I am a bit surprised the homicide coach never goes into elimination of evidence or throws in a "If things don't go quite as planned and you feel you need to dispose of the body..." tangent. (S)he seems to be a stickler for completeness.

[Salnax]

At 1/28/10 08:26 PM, Reptyle wrote: Interesting, amusing, and flows fairly well, but I am a bit surprised the homicide coach never goes into elimination of evidence or throws in a "If things don't go quite as planned and you feel you need to dispose of the body..." tangent. (S)he seems to be a stickler for completeness.

Good point... I'm going to have to fix this sometime. Thanks for the criticism.