Hey, I thought it would be nice to have my own thread, because I'm going to submit a lot of stuff and I might as well keep it all into one thread. Except for the New Ground's Story 2, which will need its own thread, you will find out why soon enough.
First I'll present myself, FBIpolux, aka something else IRL, I'm a writer and I'm currently working on my first ever "professional" novel, which should be released at a later date this year. I have my editor ready and everything, I just need to kick myself in the ass and work harder on my novel. I write in French, my primary language, so you might find a bunch of mistakes in my texts, don't be shy and tell me if you see horrible spelling or grammatical mistakes! I'll get my novel translated for you guys, and for the rest of the U.S.A. as well, since my novel takes place in South Carolina. :)
But for now on, I need you guys to help me. I started these 3 short stories that I never finished. I want you guys to tell me which one you prefer so I can finish it up.
One is a random story with no real theme, that I believe, I started for a Newgrounds Writing contest. Second one is a Vampire The Masquerade Story, which takes place in Germany, and has for theme Neo-Nazism and a Giovanni Family. Third one is a Warcraft Fan-Fic kind of, which I made for my old guild a few years ago when I used to play this stupid game. I'll post all 3 stories here, right now, and you tell me which one I should complete and which ones I should forget about.
Here we go.
Entry one. Should I finish this story?
A Very Nice Day.
The tall cop opened fire first. The bullet pierced the improvised barricade like paper just next to my left ear and got lost in the mall. The second bullet missed the barricade but skittered on a pillar and landed just next to my foot. The two other cops immediately started firing as well; I had to get the hell out of there before one of those bullets accidentally pierces my head. The crazy guy was sitting next to me, to my right, and started firing back at the cops with his rifle: there was my chance to escape. I slowly moved my left arm... then my whole body followed and my new "friend" didn't even notice. I moved a few feet away when a shotgun deflagration exploded right where my head was a few seconds later.
"How the hell did I get involved into this...?"
My name is Jake. Jake Brown. I live at the 423 on 4th avenue, Seattle, apartment five hundred twelve. Every morning I wake up, and wonder when I am going to get out of this hole of a place. Soon, hopefully... there was some hope ahead. I'm currently walking towards that hope, only a few yards in front of me.
I am in a kind of good mood even with all the walking I had to do today, because last night, while being bored on my computer, I fell on some ad on the internet that caught my attention and decided to click it. I usually never click internet ads, but this one intrigued me. Basically it was just saying: "Do you want to become a rich man quickly? Do you leave in Seattle WA.? Then we have something for you!"... Currently needing money, I decided to discover where the ad would link me to. The website was plain; there was a phone number and not any more information than "We can make you a rich person very fast! Impress your friends with your new car and your new house!" The phone number was a 24 hours line, so I decided to give it a try... I couldn't lose anything by trying, especially not such an intriguing offer and promising offer; unless it was all just a trap to test my anti-virus...
I dialed the number on my cell phone and someone immediately answered. It was a cold feminine voice.
-Hello, Mr Brown, said the voice.
Out of words, I said:
-What? How... how do you know my name?
-Call display, replied the woman with the same monotonic and cold voice. What can I help you with?
I looked at my monitor again and explained how I saw this ad on a website and how it interested me.
-Of course, said the voice, the ad. We can't really tell you much right now, but if you are really interested, perhaps you could pass at our office tomorrow afternoon?
I quickly pulled my agenda out of the junk pile sitting on my computer desk, turned the page and checked what I had planned for tomorrow, a Wednesday. Alicia's birthday dinner... good thing I checked my agenda or I would have forgotten. I had to get her a gift or something for tomorrow.
-Um sure, how long do you think it will take? I asked. I might have something during the evening.
Silence on the line.
-Another job? the voice finally asked. I highly doubt it's as interesting as what we have to offer Mr. Brown.
I blushed.
-No, no! I quickly replied... a little too quickly maybe. I'm currently unemployed and am actively looking for work! Your offer interests me... but may I ask, what's the job?
Another silence on the line.
-Of course, Mr. Brown. You'll know everything tomorrow. 6204 Jefferson Street. Two O'clock PM. Do not be late.
She hung up before I could reply. This was intriguing... a nice job offer and an interview tomorrow! The only part about this is I don't like is... my phone number is confidential and usually didn't show on others' call displays.
"Naaah, it's probably a phone company or something" I told myself. "At least, if they pick me I'll finally be able to pay my rent on time!"
Now for Alicia... what could I get for her tomorrow...
This puzzle in mind, I went to bed and fell asleep before thinking of anything other than flowers and a card. I suck.
Until my radio woke me up eight hours later.
Nine o'clock thirty, time to get prepared.
Shower, dress, breakfast, feed the birds, watch some T.V., get mad at the weather for being so bad in Seattle, look for some change under the couch, brush my teeth, put my boots and my raincoat on.
Ten o'clock forty-six, I leave my apartment.
Time to go hang out with Bill for a little while before going to that famous job interview. I don't really have money to take the bus too many times today so I decide to walk up there; a fifteen minutes walk.
Bill is waiting for me at the usual pub, a glass of beer in his left hand, his brown and short curly hair, his crooked nose and his short beard welcoming me. I sit next to my old high school friend and order a beer, then turn to him and told him about my interview. He congratulates me and wishes me luck, asks me about life and about Alicia... and only then I remember I forgot to call Alicia to wish her a happy birthday. I reach for my pockets and also notice I forgot my cell phone at my house. Bill is ordering his fourth beer and some nachos. My old friend always loved drinking in the morning and this pub, the "Happy morning", is the perfect place to get drunk at any uncommon time of the day. I quickly drink my own beer, steal some chips from Bill and bail out. I have to go get my phone at my house. I will need it today.
Eleven o'clock twenty-two, I'm back at my apartment. Walking under the rain in Seattle isn't the most pleasant thing ever. I climb up the stairs to get to my apartment on the fifth floor since the elevator is still broken (lazy janitor), only to realize I don't have my keys.
Swearing.
Eleven o'clock fifty-five, I'm back at the Happy morning. Bill is still there, eating a sandwich of some kind that actually doesn't really look good. My keys are next to him, on the bar. He greets me again just like if we hadn't met for a long time but I tell him I have to leave quickly, grab my keys, put them in my jeans pocket and leave the pub once again.
Twelve o'clock thirteen, back at my apartment for the second time today.
My keys in hand, I unlock my door and quickly find my cell phone.
Jefferson Street is on the other side of the town, I will have to make it quick... and I don't even have enough cash to grab a cab. I'd have to take the bus.
I run out of my apartment and find a bus stop that will get me to downtown quickly.
Finally I find the bus stop.
Fifteen minutes later the bus finally shows up... destination, a new job hopefully.
Almost one hour later, I reach an old eight stairs building marked by a 6402, on Jefferson Street; god damned slow buses. I wish I arrived earlier...
One o'clock fifty six. I'm not late.
Good.
Good?
The building almost looks abandoned, like if the janitor was too lazy to do his job and left everything messy. There is no intercom, no bell, nothing next to the door so I decide to try and get inside. The window-door's glass is too dirty to see anything inside so I decide to try and open it. No handle on the double-doors... I try to push it, leaving some dusty dirt on my palms. Unlocked, the door opens up easily, revealing a long and dark hall.
Confident, I zone in the office and close the door behind me, leaving me in a semi-obscurity; there is no lights in the corridor and the window's dirty opacity is only filtering a low luminosity. There is a blue light ahead though, at the end of the hallway.
I walk over there, trying to avoid tripping on something invisible.
I finally arrive at a little desk, where a computer with a monitor displaying a blue screen is set up and lightens the end of the corridor. On my right there is an elevator and on my left a staircase. A little door is half-open behind the desk, leading to the unknown.
-Hello, Jake.
...
Entry two. My personal favorite. I started writing this before that Twilight crap came out, so give me a break.
Bloody family; Characters
Fiammetta Sangue : Main Protagonist
Vampire of the Giovanni Clan. She's against any kind of engagement in between the Sangue Family and the Nazis, but she also can't refuse anything to her family... so she will have to use some violence... to solve some things.
Michele Sangue : Protagonist's father
Vampire of the Giovanni Clan. He's the leader of the Giovanni Clan in Germany. His family helps the Nazis build their power once again, in Germany, making the Sangue Family even more powerful than ever. Member of the Bavarian Primogen, he lives in a castle in the German Bavarian Alps, not too far from Kehlsteinhaus, the Eagle's Nest, and Berchtesgaden.
Adalina Sangue : Protagonist's mother
Vampire of the Giovanni Clan. She's Michele's wife. Follows the instructions, she's the noble descendant of a strong Vampire family.
Malvolio Sangue : Protagonist's brother
Vampire of the Giovanni Clan. A real sadistic pervert. In love with his two sisters, he always try to get what he desires... whatever it takes.
Letizia Sangue : Protagonist's sister
Vampire of the Giovanni Clan. Fiammetta's younger sister. She's impatient for a vampire and dislikes violence. She therefore is nymphomaniac.
Hans Altman : Servant of the Sangue Family.
Vampire of the Nosferatu Clan.
General Dieter Eichelberger : General of the New Sixth Reich, the new Nazi secret organization in Germany.
Human. Leader of the new Sixth Reich. Secret ally of the Sangue Family, the main Chapter of the Giovanni Clan in Germany.
Bloody Family;
Holding him tight, she was drinking the last drops of blood remaining in his body. He fell on the floor like a rag doll and stood immobile.
Dead.
That's how she liked them, dead. They were more cooperative. She clapped her hands two times and someone opened the door, illuminating the room. Altman, the Family's dirty servant bowed down before his mistress, which didn't really make any difference from his usual position, except for a slight movement of his arms, and picked up the body on the floor. He grinned.
-Delicious delicious dinner wasn't it Mistress? Those rich sons of public personalities are rare... Hans whishes he could've tasted a few drops... oh well, Hans will go eat some dirty third class rat; that's how Hans feeds. Hans bows to you again Mistress. Hans will now leave the Mistress alone in the dark.
He grinned one more time, revealing a row of sharp and pointy teeth.
-Have a good night, Mistress.
He walked backwards, the dead body sitting on his bent back and slowly closed the door, putting the room back in darkness.
Fiammetta Sangue smiled back a few moments after the obscurity came back in her room. She needed that blood. She was feeling the effects of the blood in her body, similar to dopamine. Fiammetta hadn't eaten for a week. It was about time she found some blood worthy of her mouth. She stretched out, growled a little bit and started lighting some candles to make some luminosity in her room. The sixth candle burning, she finally sat back on her bed. Her room was dark, really dark. The walls, made of rough stone, called up to some medieval dungeon. Her bed's sheet was completely black, and the candles were glowing on the ebony wood floor. She dropped on the bed sheet and looked at the cellar. The candles were reflecting on her black iris as she let out a giggle. She loved the effect of pure blood in her body. The god damned best drug in the world. Her lips, still covered of blood opened again:
"LETIZIA!"
She rose up quickly and jumped off her bed. Her black hair, tied in an elegant chignon, weren't gleaming into the candle's light. Actually, they were darker than the room's shades, contrasting with the color black itself. Her sister wasn't around. She was probably with Malvolio... their brother. She'll deal with that later. She had to see her father. She left her room, followed by a chill wind strong enough to blow the piece's candles... even though there was no window in her bedroom, located deep inside a cliff of the Bavarian Alps. Her father was probably in his bureau at the moment, he mentioned he would be expecting important visit during the night. That's exactly where she found him, in the middle of the Castle, well situated at the extremity of the fortress' giant Hall. She knocked once on the grand wooden door before pushing it and entering her father's business room like a cat. He was sitting on his habitual lounger, his arms sitting on the arm rests. Standing tall next to him was a white haired representative of Fiammetta's father new allies. He was wearing a long beige trench military coat covered with tons of decorations glimmering in front of the fireplace. It looked like they were in a serious discussion and that she had interrupted the officer by entering the room. The German kine didn't look bothered and simply stepped back and bowed in front of the Kindred who broke their peace. Michele smirked at Fiammetta.
-Come take a seat, daughter, said the leader of the Giovanni Clan in Germany. I was having an interesting discussion with my old friend, General Dieter Eichelberger, of the Sixth Reich. He has some absolutely marvelous ideas about how our family should join his cause... his kine cause. You're probably going to like it. At least your thirst for blood and fortune will. Keep going, General.
Eichelberger, who had been staring at Fiammetta ever since she arrived in the room, turned his attention back to Michele Sangue.
-Yes, yes... I was saying, this collaboration could bring a new era in Germany. A new era that will allow your... kind to be recognized and feared for what it is, and of course... a lot of money. Your food problems will also be over if we take control of the country. You will receive fresh humans every morning. You will also be able to hunt freely wherever you want. We will take care of your enemies just like you will take care of ours; we could work as a perfect symbiosis. Our goals are the same anyways, the blood, always the blood.
Michele Sangue turned his red pupils towards the fireplace, pensive. Finally he spoke:
-But blood is not my only concern in this affair. I've heard you people had discovered a few relics that my Family would like to have their hands on... old relics, precious relics. Relics older than this country... or myself; you know what I'm talking about don't you? Your predecessor did lust for these precious artifacts during his reign. I also heard he managed to find some of them and hided them somewhere in this country. You know what I'm talking about.
Eichelberger frowned. He knew the discussion would turn over this way all that time he had been standing in this room.
-Yes... My best erudite are currently trying to find out where did the Führer hide those items, since we know he actually found most of them. They will be in your possession soon enough.
-Glad to hear it, said Michele.
Fiammetta looked at her father with confusion. What kind of deal was he doing with this kine? What were they talking about? Her father detected her disorder because he turned to her and said:
-We are making a great deal, Fiammetta. Soon everything will be different. Everything will be better. The Sangue legacy will become a legend amongst the Giovanni. We will be as powerful as the Antideluvian themselves were once we enter in possession of those items. I accept your offer, General. This is a great deal we're making.
Michele Sangue rose up and walked away from the fireplace towards his desk.
-When do you believe things will start to move? he asked.
General Eichelberger smirked.
-This week we will make our move. It's only a question of time before the whole country is ours... and before we start purging it. You will have what you desire, Sangue.
Entry three. Warcraft Fan-Fiction. Bleh. The begining takes place in a game of Warsong Gulch at level 70. Yep.
Untitled.
As an owl let its screech fly into the night, the Orcs knew something was wrong. Night had just fallen on the Ashenvale trees as the Orc sentinels were starting their beat. Never again will the lumber workers of the Warsong Clan be quiet again during night; not after the entire rampage they had caused to the forest, not after the ravages they were still doing in the forest.
The Ashenvale woods had been standing all together for thousands of years, guarded by the thoughtful eye of the demigod Cenarius. Despite all the efforts the Night Elves and their leader put in the defence of their beloved forest, the savagery of the Orcs' blood curse still defeated the might of the Elves. By drinking Mannoroth's blood, Gromm Hellscream and his troops were granted incredible strength and power, therefore achieved to defeat the Night Elves troops and Cenarius himself.
Things have changed since that day. The Orcs' blood had been weakened by Gromm's sacrifice at the Felfire Hill battle and will probably never be as strong, as their link with their former masters has been broken that day. However, the Orcs, under Thrall's lead have made great alliances and were now the proud leaders of the mighty Horde of Azeroth. During the last few years, tension never stopped growing into the Ashenvale forest, as the Orcs of the Warsong clan kept gnawing deep into the forest in hunger for more materials and more wood to help their people and protect their homes, and ultimately to wage war on the Alliance. The Warsong Clan had been impaired by the loss of their leader, Gromm Hellscream, but still kept a fierce hold on the Ashenvale woods. But tonight, things were to change.
A crow was flying in circle over the Warsong camp, at the eastern corner of the forest. This crow could have seemed normal inspected with a normal sight, but with an expert gaze, the Paladin sitting on her skeletal horse mount was on the watch. She stared at the small bird flying around the base, getting sometimes so close to the ground you could see all of its ebony feathers glow under the torches and the flares laid on the ground to prevent any shadowmelded Elf to enter the camp.
"They are coming from the air tonight" whispered Priscillah to herself.
The Blood Elf was about to go warn the Warsong Captain as the attack started. Quickly, she jumped off her mount as the arrows, the arcane and the cyclones were already falling on the Warsong encampment.
"TO ARMS, MY BRETHREN! FOR THE HORDE!" yelled the giant Orc leader of the Warsong Outriders as he charged the incoming Elves with his two High Warlord cleavers sharpened and ready to slay.
While the Horde started charging the cunning Silverwing Sentinels ambushing their camp, Priscillah started calling upon the gods to give her the strength and the might necessary to protect her comrades. As she was hastily conjuring some protection wards on her allies already engaging the fight against bears, panthers and ferocious druids of the Alliance, a voice echoed into her mind.
"They need me... my Order needs me..." immediately thought the blonde Elf. "I'm getting distracted!"
A Tauren shaman fell next to her in a booming sound. Two arrows hit him in the head as he was dropping healing wards on the ground.
"They are focusing on the Healers!" quickly considered Priscillah.
Her hands glowed in a holy light as she saved the dead life of an Undead Warrior helping the Orcs in their cause. Once again, she heard echoes in her head.
"Oh god, I cannot stay... They need me for this great strike..." murmured the Paladin as more allies were falling on the ground. Suddenly, all went dark.
"THE FLARES!" yelled Priscillah. "THEY EXTINCTED! WATCH OUT FOR..."
She never got to finish her sentence as a stealthed Night Elf attacked her from behind. He swinged one of his maces at her but she quickly deflected it with her glowing shield. She smiled. Silly alliance, always trying to kill the hardest ones to defeat first...
Her smile disappeared as two more Alliances appeared from the shadows and jumped on her. This time, it wasn't funny anymore. The hits were coming from all around her, impossible to dodge or block. They wanted her death at all costs.
"I'm out of there... Light, give me strength!" yelled Priscillah as a magical shield appeared around her, stopping her foes' vicious attacks.
"Adieu, friends. Fight well."
In a green flash of light she disappeared, leaving the three Night Elves ambushing her astounded.
Magically, Priscillah appeared in another realm, in the shattered Outlands.
Sweat. She was all covered of sweat. The quick vision of Shattrath city she got when she appeared into the Aldor inn made her forget about the battle she was participating to a few moments ago. The cold sweat covering her armoured body made her realise she had just escaped from death, with the help of the divine protection accorded to her rank. She was hot... She had to rest a little bit before she could answer the call of her Order. She went back inside the Aldor inn and entered an empty chamber. Quickly, she removed her crystal forged helm and put it on the little table next to the little wooden bed furnishing the room. Her long blonde hair were all wet and tangled as she looked in the mirror in front of her. She sighed when she saw how dirt she was. She'd have to go take a bath under Nagrand's falls after her little rest.
She smiled. The night was going to be fun... She started removing her crystal armor... her body was so hot... and wet. As she removed her shoulder pads and her chest piece, she noticed her rich purple shirt was all wet, and that she could see her nipples through the shirt.
She quickly removed her plate pants and her boots and put all her armor in front of the door, blocking it so she doesn't get disturbed during her... rest time. Priscillah removed the rest of her clothes as she laid her sweaty and naked body on the bed. She quickly covered the window with her purple shirt, hiding the view to the silly inhabitants of Shattrath. Then she grabbed her Sceptre of Sue-Min and started using it as it was meant to be used. Until someone knocks at the door...
Smoking a cigarette. Said I'd quit. I will eventually.
Reading the newspaper. Shitshow all over. Nothing unusual.
Been ten months since the war started. Getting used to it.
Mortars stopped screaming last night I could hear a kid cry.
I yelled: "Hey you pansy shut the hell up!"
He got captured by the enemy. Probably dead by now.
I think they heard me. They didn't see me yet.
Well I'll be god damn waiting for them.
Got my engine loaded. Just waiting for the first cowboy to burst into my hideout.
Fucking hell yeah. It's god damn Sunday. I'd kill for some beef.
I hear someone.
Motherfuckers better be ready to die.
DON'T BE SHY AND COMMENT MOTHER FUCKERS. I know walls of text can be frightening.
A PAGE OF MY NOVEL COPYRIGHT OK GTFO!
[...]"Look at that kitty; it really has no idea of what's going to happen", or "you know, this girl was consenting... well I think. I don't really understand gals. "
After about ten minutes of crawling, crouching, slipping and tripping in the dark, Harvey Calhoun finally interrupted their adventure. Vincent was happy Harvey stopped, because if he didn't, he would have never seen the abyssal hole in the middle of the passage.
-Here we are. Come take a look, it's something.
The twelve years old boy pointed his flashlight towards the chasm. Slowly, Vincent Peterson crawled closer. Without any risky movements, he leaned over and admitted it looked like an endless hole; a gate leading straight to Hell.
He turned around to Harvey, who looked febrile, just like Vincent when he was about to do
something bad. Curiously, Vincent wasn't excited. He was mostly apprehending what was about to
happen. He considered the hole once more, and then stared at Harvey who was working on getting
the cat out of the cage without getting scratched. All of a sudden, multiple possibilities opened to
him. He came conscious of the unique opportunity opened to him. Nobody knew he was in the
Monster Cave. He had told his mom he was going in town, which was a lie. He had no alibi, but he was just a child. He wouldn't need one.
Harvey Calhoun pushed the cat back in the cage as it had all its claws out and ready to hurt.
-Looks like that old tom wants to end up in his cage. Who knows, maybe it is better like that? Maybe it's going to do more noise. Ready, Peterson?
-Yes, let's end this. I hope it will be more interesting than with my knife.
Harvey Calhoun started laughing maniacally, dropped the flashlight on the ground and grabbed the cage. He peeked at Vincent, who stepped away from the hole and hauled the cage over his head.
-So, farewell, cruel world!
He then threw the cage with all his strength in the middle of the hole. At the same moment, Vincent sneaked behind him.
The cat emitted a horrible caterwaul as its cage was spinning quickly in the endless hole. Harvey Calhoun cheered and leaned over the hole.
-Come take a look Peterson! It looks like that stupid cat is well on its way to China! Maybe they're going to talk about it on T.V....
It was now or never. Spontaneously, Vincent used all his weight and charged Harvey Calhoun's massive back.
Calhoun didn't see the impact coming. He had no stability, over the hole. He still attempted to regain his balance by shaking his arms all around over him, but it was hopeless. He revolved on a foot, but his overweight got reason of him. Glaring one last time at Vincent, he fell in the hole.
Vincent, who had hurt his shoulder by elbowing the massive Harvey Calhoun, finally felt it was safe to get close to the cavity. He barely got time to see Harvey's body fall swiftly towards the middle of the Earth. His scream echoed in the cavern for a good minute before extinguishing forever.
An endless hole - Vincent rose up on his feet giggling. I hope it was really an endless hole. He deserves it. Son of a bitch.
He spat in the hole.
-Stupid cat.
[...]
In the high end of average, the writing is okay, but you need to find ways to keep readers hooked, because I felt less and less inclined to keep reading as the stories went by. Also plots need to be more imaginative.
At 1/30/10 09:22 AM, Sawdust wrote: In the high end of average, the writing is okay, but you need to find ways to keep readers hooked, because I felt less and less inclined to keep reading as the stories went by. Also plots need to be more imaginative.
Oh that's what my novel is all about. Writing taboo subjects and about events no one ever thought of writing about is what motivates me. :)
Hey, can check my slowly planned story 'THE TRANSFORMATIONS' in the lounge.
Your story is alright but I agree with Sawdust. Not very captivating
Don't you DARE click my sig....
At 1/30/10 09:52 AM, FlashCam wrote: Hey, can check my slowly planned story 'THE TRANSFORMATIONS' in the lounge.
Your story is alright but I agree with Sawdust. Not very captivating
Which one, I posted 3 different intros / short stories / a page of my novel and a random poem.
Don't you DARE click my sig....
At 1/30/10 10:01 AM, FlashCam wrote: The novel intro
Yeah, that's in the middle of chapter 4. :P
So, anyone actually wants me to finish one of these first 3 stories I posted? If not I'll just say fuck it and dig them a grave.
At 2/10/10 05:27 AM, FBIpolux wrote: So, anyone actually wants me to finish one of these first 3 stories I posted? If not I'll just say fuck it and dig them a grave.
I think you should continue the first story, I want to know what happens.
I hear voices... and they don't like you
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