Lunaful: Poems and other work.

[Lunaful]

A heavy sigh, to die is such a shame
To open the floodgates of hate, am I to blame.
Her body wheeled through the corridor as her blood gently dripped open the floor.
As crimson and scarlet stain and dye her hair as a lily petals float on by as the pink rose gently fades from her cheeks.
As her parents heads bemusedly bob with moans and groans and hearty sobs.
I shad tears but these are merely drops in the ocean of a sea of overwhelming discontent.
People desire for a scapegoat, to be sacrificed, their blood lust is bent.

Any thoughts?

As my blood seeps into the sand
It percolates in parched crumbling mouth
My ears ring as if a church bell chimed a violent clang,
Or a bee dazed and confused stabs my inner ear.
But my sense sufaceed reminiscent of a drowning man who emerges to take a drag of life.

My CO dragged my pitiful corpse like a child's plaything, so life less and passive to safe cover
I leave a heavy slick of oil in my wake
Beneath the rattle of guns and cries, I see hear for the first time,
Dressed in a long lushes lavender robe, she was pale unlike us who were bronzed in this cesspit of sun and fury
She was vaporous not walking but drifting with ease through our convoy of carnage
Her hair was an lilac with was parted to the left with curls, time seems to have stagnated

The CO hasn't noticed her nor has anyone else; he crouches from cover barking orders and asking for stat reports as the fighting lulls and wilts.
She huddles beside me so close that I see her cerulean eyes
"How many KIA's and IIA'S?"
"Only him sir"
They rest near me as one supports my head under his lap, giving my empty words of confidence
She speaks "there is a lily on thy brow and the poppy fade from thou cheeks"
She flicks the beads of cold sweat from my forehead; still no one has observed her presence
My breathing quickens, "who?" I ask
"I'm bereavement demise fate, I'm death"
The stereotypical image of the bones in black wielding a scythe the ghost of Christmas future.
I try to gently shuffle away, but she gently caresses my head "I will not harm you"
The CO had called for an emidete evac; I was winched helicopter she followed
As I ascended into heaven or so it seemed

I felt I have made some grammar errors in this one so any help would be greatly appreciated :)

I'm here in pure ambience as I watch Spitzers work, pure untangable light oozes in all directions from the tarantulas epicentre.
It's so clear against the canvas of black and pomagrand only the tiny stars disrupt the hazy hue of this concoction of splendour.
The stars each carved from a sapphire rather than a diamond, whose spectral figures dance open the pillars of creation were the young form.
A paradox, the cradle of life and the coffin of death , a remint of the supernova, a streak of crimson dashed across a face as if fighting to the very end.
I can't help but smile at your predicament; you have lived like so many. Lived fast, died young and left us with a beautiful set of photos.

Thoughts?

I feel sorry for people I don't trust,
As tears roll down mountain sides and the meadow smells as if it's been crushed,
Heat in my head ready to burst with paranoid exasperation,
Girls gallop with gaggled expectation,
Waiting outside in what seems to be bullets of rain,
I don't care it'll never wash of her stain.

Again more thoughts?

I look from your left eye to your right,
You set my soul alight,
You're the untenable hue of blue which swashes on the shores,
And the thoughts that break the social mores.
Your beauty unmatched by any other
But are quick to discard my word like bills like another,
A heart of gold which gleam never fades,
A soul of silver that simmers and shines blinding me with intensity
And a body of brass as if sculpted without blades.
I do not care for hitting home plate or any of the other kind.
What I do indeed care for is the petite one with an awesome mind.

Thoughts?

I'll leave it at that because I don't want to bombard you guys with walls of text, If you want to read more works then just ask. I looking for advice on many aspects of my writing, so comment on them please.

[TrevorW]

At a scan I can tell you a few places to improve:
1. These lines must be cut shorter or broken up somehow. The human mind needs rest so that it can take in what it reads. Also this would help the flow.
2. Your word choice is good and your vocabulary is present, but the lines seem like they are just put together -- they neither relate fully or flow. This makes the story/point hard to get.

See, you obviously like flare in poetry, but you need to work on pulling it all together into a finished product. You have the start to the skills needed. Keep writing!

3. The few grammar mistakes are not a big deal. Editing your own work is hard.

Work on flow and pulling it together, because you have interesting things to say! You obviously have a head on those shoulders of yours.

Cheers

[Lunaful]

At 1/28/10 05:00 PM, TrevorW wrote: Work on flow and pulling it together, because you have interesting things to say! You obviously have a head on those shoulders of yours.

Thanks man!

I'l take your advice on board :).

[TrevorW]

I played with your poem a bit
I took the "s" out of "smells" in the line "and the meadow smell as if it's been crushed," because it isn't grammatically correct since you said "mountain sides." I then put a "s" on "meadow"
"it's" changed to "they've" to fix the new tense I gave it.

I feel sorry for people I don't trust,
As tears roll down mountain sides
and the meadows smell as if they've been crushed,
Heat in my head(,) ready to burst with paranoid exasperation,
Girls gallop with gaggled expectation,
(w)aiting outside in what seems to be bullets of rain,
I don't care it'll never wash of (H)er stain.

() denotes a fix or change

I changed the word "her" in the last line to "Her" to bring attention to the character that this poem talks about.

I did not want to change your poem here, because it is nice; however I did want to clean it up a little. I'm sure that my changes are not the best, but they are what I came up with. Try to do this to your own work.

Cheers

[Lunaful]

At 1/28/10 05:36 PM, TrevorW wrote:
I did not want to change your poem here, because it is nice; however I did want to clean it up a little. I'm sure that my changes are not the best, but they are what I came up with. Try to do this to your own work.

Cheers

Thanks, I have dyslexia so when you point out my mistakes its brilliant because I gain a better understanding of grammar and spelling :).

[TrevorW]

Gotcha, that can be a hard one. Well I would simply focus on shorter lines for now. If you find that you start to lose the meaning of your work with the shorter lines, then perhaps you just need to work on a way of breaking your thought in other ways. Punctuation could be your friend.
Learn to use the dash, colon, semi colon, and coma!

Cheers