My poetry

[S4cr3d-Cr4p]

I did most of this a while ago. Constructive criticism is very much appreciated.

From newest to oldest:

Even as I smile

About my bones

Safety or...

[TrevorW]

I suggest that you actually post the poetry here. I will read them, but I will not go to links because I don't want to risk it. Plus staying on one page is less work for the reader.

[S4cr3d-Cr4p]

They're links to deviantArt, and 'Even as I smile' is visual poetry (as in an image), so I can't post it here.
Anyway, here are the other two:

About my bones

The mirror reflects
But not my desire
I have no bones that I can pick
or see
unlike my trusted magazines
Temples of Goddesses

The mirror lies
My mind does not
Nor my eyes
Nor the fat about my bones
My skin is too deep to see the Beauty
I must shed it all away

The mirror cracks
and shatters
They say it matters not
Clatters of cutlery
saying sweet flatteries
My faculties lie,
dead.

I'm not hungry.

The mirror lies
shattered, reflecting,
So I pick up the pieces

and get a new mirror.

Safety or...

I have two choices:
Freedom or Safety.
Free to have voices
tell me they hate me.

What use is freedom
if I am dead?
I can always be safe
and free in my head.

A world without danger,
free of insults and hate.
No-one's a stranger
if you're forced to be mates.

And what of the wars?
And the rivers of blood?
And the death without cause?
And drowning in mud?

I've chosen between
Freedom and Safety.
By writing this poem,
my choice was the safety

of Freedom.

[Smiley-Storm]

Safety or...

I have two choices:
Freedom or Safety.
Free to have voices
tell me they hate me.

What use is freedom
if I am dead?
I can always be safe
and free in my head.

A world without danger,
free of insults and hate.
No-one's a stranger
if you're forced to be mates.

And what of the wars?
And the rivers of blood?
And the death without cause?
And drowning in mud?

I've chosen between
Freedom and Safety.
By writing this poem,
my choice was the safety

of Freedom.

Wow man. I really liked both of these but i especially like Safety or... Keep up the good work!

[TrevorW]

A nice read. A few grammar mistakes (the stanza where nor was used twice). However, I dislike it when the author refers to writing the poem -- but that is your choice.

Over all I would say that punctuation may be something to consider in the future.

keep that pen flowing

[S4cr3d-Cr4p]

At 1/28/10 04:25 PM, TrevorW wrote: A nice read. A few grammar mistakes (the stanza where nor was used twice). However, I dislike it when the author refers to writing the poem -- but that is your choice.

Over all I would say that punctuation may be something to consider in the future.

keep that pen flowing

Thanks for the comment, but could I ask if there were any other grammar mistakes other than the one you pointed out? I kinda ignored grammar to go with what sounded good when repeated. Also, I use punctuation continuously in 'Safety or...' and selectively in 'About my bones'. I tried to make my use of punctuation and rhyme follow the meaning and context of the poems: strict, structured and "safe" for 'Safety or...' and more wild (until the end) in 'About my bones'. I should probably emphasise that more to be honest.

By the way, have you checked out Even as I smile? I'd really like some criticism on that since it is the most recent.

[TrevorW]

The tone/scheme/ effect is consistent and that is good. The word choice seems good for what it is. The grammar is fine. It is a nice poem. Could it be improved? No. Could the style be? Yes. I am sure that with time it could evolve into something more striking -- but that is with everyone.

Nicely done.

[S4cr3d-Cr4p]

One thing to ask is did you notice (Spoiler alert! Not that it's really good enough to be considered spoiled...) the illusions? Both the visual and word tricks. I was kinda restricted by that somewhat, but I find I write better sometimes when I have to be a little creative in order to get it to sound nice while still working.

And yeah, I certainly agree with you on the whole 'striking images' thing - I'll probably work on that more for my next poem. I think I focus a bit too much on form rather than language....

[TrevorW]

I'd much rather you focus on form than allow yourself to focus on lengthy and over-wordy language. many focus on the verbiage and then lose the form, which makes the pretty words impossible to read.
You have a good start, keep it up!