Sarah's misfortune

[streetbackguy]

Sarah never saw the soldier sneak up behind her. She never heard his breathing down upon her neck nor the silent motion of his right arm bring up a revolver to her head...

It all started with the bomb. The bomb had exploded in a small rural town in England, called Meerduct, and everyone was scrambling for shelter. Sarah was walking home from school as the bomb detonated and she took shelter in a grocery store. When she peeked out the window, she saw a lot of armed soldiers come marching through the town center.
The shopkeeper and his wife, Mr. and Mrs. Peterson came over to her and offered to hide her. "Come with us, you can hide in our cellar while we hold them off!" They offered, as they were they were considered the kindest couple in the town. They guided Sarah over to the cellar door and opened it, ushering her inside. As they closed the door, Sarah loked around the cellar.
There was only a few sacks of potatoes and some blankets. "At least they came prepared." Sarah remarked, as she always assumed they were afraid of a war starting. She went over to the blankets and laid them near a sack of potatoes using the sack as a pillow, and settled down to sleep.

Sarah awoke with a bang, literally. Startled, she sat up and hid in the corner by some more sacks. After 5 minutes, she got up the courage to go to the cellar doors and have a look at what had happened. To her horror she saw the Petersons lying on the floor, face down in a puddle of blood. She turned away and emerged from the cellar, but keeping underneath the windows vision-line.
"God, I'm so hungry..." Sarah complained, her stomach grumbling. She thought about how far her house was and how long it would take to get there. "I can't go home, there are armed soldiers everywhere." Sarah had realized. She suddenly remembered The marketplace outside the grocery store, its usually filled with food stalls. She opened the door slightly and peeked out into the market square. There was armed personnel all around with guns at the ready.
She realized she had to rely on stealth to get some food. Sarah opened the door quietly, making noone saw her and crawled underneath the nearest table covered with a cloth. She peeked out underneath the cloth and saw a food stall around 5 metres away and no other tables with clothes covering them. Sarah was thinking of giving up the hope to reach the food stall when a hand touched her shoulder.

Sarah turned around in surprise and was expecting to see a soldier, but instead she saw a boy around her age. "Hey, are you looking for food too?" he asked her politely. "Yeah, There is a stall over there filled with fruits and snacks" Sarah replied "Excuse me, but i dont believe i know your name" she uttered. "Oh, my name is Chad" he replied. "Look, i can distract the guards if you want and we could meet back at the grocery store while you sneak over and grab some food." Chad suggested.
Sarah looked doubtful, she only just met him and she didnt want him possibly getting hurt because of a few pieces of food. "Trust me, i can run faster than those guards who are loaded with heavy gear. I'll escape in no time and meet you back in the grocery store!" He remarked, noticing the worried look on Sarah's face. "Well ok, but jst be careful ok Chad?" Sarah replied. Chad nodded as to agree, and crawled out from underneath the table. Sarah poked here head out slightly and saw Chad hit a guard over the head with a nearby branch.
The guard got furious and set gunfire upon Chad as he was running away. As this was happening Sarah found her way to the food stall and picked up a few pieces of fruit. As she turned around to check on Chads progress, she saw him gunned down and fall over, blood spurting out of his chest. Sarah looked on in terror and dropped the few apples she had managed to pick up, not noticing the soldier sneaking up behind her. She began to cry as the soldier brought a revolver to her head and pulled the trigger, and she fell to the ground, bleeding from a gaping hole in her head...

It turned out the Turkish government had gotten into a row with england about an oil field that had been found in english waters, claiming a turkish ambassador found it. They invaded as a result of insults and arguements and overthrew england. england never recovered and is now under turkish law.

THE END

[streetbackguy]

I'd appreciate some feedback please.

[BarryPlionaer]

My man, you wrote a delightful story filled with holes just like the time when I tried to make a wool hat. I looked like Frankenstein .

You have huge logical issues here.
First of all, Why the hell would a couple of old shop keepers will hold off a group of soldiers? they can't hid with Sarah? Are they mad or just suicidal? That doesn't make any sense. They could have hid with Sarah in the cellar.... hold them off.... with out? their bare fists? what are they, supermen ? they can deflect bullets? . That's all for that matter.
Secondly, It is VERY POSSIBLE to eat raw potatoes in time of need. you don't have to cook them. Jews in the Holocaust didn't have any time to cook them, why should Sarah feel so spoiled? she'll risk her life because she's too spoiled to eat a raw potatoes?
Thirdly, Why would a bunch of blankets and 5 bags of potatoes are to survive a war? Again, are you insane?
Further more, if she has to relay on stealth and sneak around to reach the stall, a a boy standing next to her is invisible to the soldiers?
I also want to add, why would he risks his life for her?
....Brutality..... the soldier killed the boy and girl? why would they kill the populace? it's an oil feud!
and do you have a fetish for the turks?
The end.
Please do not crucify me.

[streetbackguy]

At 1/28/10 01:53 PM, BarryPlionaer wrote: Please do not crucify me.

:*Crucified*

anyways, thanks for pointing out the loopholes to me, even i wasn't aware of them.

[BarryPlionaer]

There is one good thing though... You used the "Chekhov's gun" effect.

[streetbackguy]

At 1/28/10 02:01 PM, BarryPlionaer wrote: There is one good thing though... You used the "Chekhov's gun" effect.

What may tha be?

[BarryPlionaer]

Chekhov's gun refers to a situation in which a character or plot element is introduced early in the narrative, then not referenced again until much later. Often the usefulness of the item is not immediately apparent until it suddenly attains pivotal significance. A similar mechanism is the "plant," a preparatory device that repeats throughout the story. During the resolution, the true significance of the plant is revealed. An example of this would be the geologist's hammer in The Shawshank Redemption, which the character Andy Dufresne acquires early on in the movie. At the end, it is revealed that Dufresne has for the progression of the entire film, spanning over 19 years, secretly been using the hammer to tunnel an escape route out of the prison. Another example is seen in M. Night Shyamalan's The Sixth Sense, where the significance of an early scene becomes apparent at the end, necessitating a different interpretation of all that has happened in between; in this case, it is not a physical device but an action which is pivotal to the outcome. Both Chekhov's gun and plants are used as elements of foreshadowing.

Stole it from wikipedia...

[streetbackguy]

At 1/28/10 02:06 PM, BarryPlionaer wrote: stuffs

Ah, thanks for that

[BarryPlionaer]

You didn't read it, did you?

Anyway, next time think about it as a logical string of events OR make it as fucked up as possible, but keep a valid excuse at the end.