Stories of a Twisted Mind

[GMoose14]

Alright this is my first post to the writing thread(didn't even know there was one until I stumbled upon it by mistake) any stories I tell here are probably some of my potential graphic novels, or tv program if I manage to become a film maker(some of my stories belong more on tv than on the big screen).
I'll start off with a miniaturized version of the first story I came up with(waaaaay to long to post the entire thing, it's not even finished yet and I've been adding stuff to it since I was in the 5th grade). It is titled The Elements and is basically a story of you guessed it elementals. Although not officially since they are extraterrestrial they have been here a long time. This is the prolouge to the story, it focuses on an elemental named David.

Elements: The Beginning

In the darkest depths of space, where even the light fails I live. Tormented by memories I'd much rather forget I guard my haunt. No being has lived as long as I and none ever will, for I am embedded into the very womb of time. I see none and they do not see me for that is the way things must be, I forever imprisoned will find a way out, no matter the price.

I was imprisoned unjustly for a crime I did not do consciously. What did they expect? They took me from my beloved and brought out the beast within. Did the assume that they would be able to control this amount of power, or did they merely seek their own destruction? Why did I have to be cursed by this wretched power, I can naught but destroy, even those who I most loved feared what I had become.

I assume that they knew that their plan had succeeded but they did not want the people to know. The fear of rebellion was ever present in their minds. They could not realize the full extent of my power and neither could I. With just a simple gesture I destroyed half of my state. Oh how I wished I had fought back when I had the chance, they did not even respect the fact that I was one of the 13 Dominus Domino. I was presented before the other 12 and was held under trial. They unanimously decided that I was to be placed on the Inverter Penalty, which was one of the worst punishments one could receive. It involved the prisoner being launched into what humans call a black hole. Our planet was relatively close to it the distance only being 3 lightyears. Oh how I wish now that I had fought back then!

I cannot begin to describe the insufferable pain I experienced when I felt myself leave this universe. I was stuck in a state of limbo in which nothing else moved except me as I was stretched into the black hole. I have no idea how long it must have been to me, but I do note that I had finally ceased to exist in this universe. I believe that the council must have assumed that I had died when I crossed the event horizon I was dead. Unfortunately for the both of us I was still very much alive, and in fact was able to move fairly easily after a few minutes. I assume that it must have been the nature of my power that prevented me from dying and as such was able to eventually cease the pain. I chose to stay where I was until I became acquainted with my powers.

It has now been a year since I was imprisoned and am on the eve of my escape, soon I will be free and nothing can prevent that, except for the creator, but he has long since abandoned us in pursuit of a planet fit for a being created in his image. Even if the creator has chosen to forget me I will not forget him and I plan to arrive at this place where his image is and destroy it. I plan to escape the next time the star Ruptis passes me.

Even though it was painful beyond belief I struggled to escape the clutches of this black hole, I persevered knowing that in my freedom not only would I avenge myself by destroying my planet, but I would also destroy that for which the creator abandoned us. Many long and painful days of struggling finally rendered me free of the wretched gravity. I Tauros was the only being that had ever escaped the deepest bowels of the universe and was back for my revenge!

The time spent in the black hole changed my powers, it had amplified them and now I knew that I was ready for my revenge. I will pay back those who hurt me threefold. They screamed when they saw me and my power, now they knew the presence of true power and it was horrifyingly unimaginable. No one thought that I would be able to escape and no one knew that upon my arrival the planet was doomed to destruction. Due to my presence upsetting the gravity produced by the planet, it became unstable and relied on me to prevent self-destruction. This I knew and was the reason I left but a few hours after my arrival after collecting the materials needed for my plan.

I had acquired a device that enabled me to seek out other life in the universe and to see their appearance and time of creation. I searched for a few years and finally set out to the Milky Way Galaxy as it is called by the humans. While the planet was lifeless it showed promising signs that the creator had been there. I built up asteroids around myself until I had formed a mass roughly the size of a small planet. I soon broke the light barrier and found myself in what I believe to have been a wormhole, this resulted in me arriving adjacent to the planet known as Earth and collided with it. The impact caused many events which are now considered to have been natural, I was soon buried deep in the crust of this planet (I now know that my asteroid is called Theia in the giant impact hypothesis.). Soon I lay dormant waiting for the day in which I would be released from my new prison. It will be a dark day for the inhabitants of this planet when I arise!

That ends the prologue, so what do you guys think of it? Note that this is merely the prologue so it wasn't anywhere near as long as the actual story. But this was my first written piece of fiction which I actually completed.

Please, Critique! :)

[GMoose14]

So I guess this isn't the type of writing people want to see...(need to think of some funny stories then)

[fli]

At 1/28/10 12:07 AM, GMoose14 wrote: So I guess this isn't the type of writing people want to see...(need to think of some funny stories then)

I think many people are excited about the novelty of this forum, and everyone is posting stuff... but nobody is really willing to read.

Which is pretty terrible because how can you be a good writer if you don't read????

I think your story is wonderful piece of character development, and you can write more. It's sentences are very easy to read, but you have a good way using strong sentence structures. You avoid the adjectives and adverbs, and use them sparingly. That makes the story a wonderful read.

You have a background story, but-- there isn't really a story happening now.

As far as I can tell, people punished Taurus. And this is some sort of fantastical futuristic world where people can gain powers and things like that.

Okay-- wonderful way to draw in people.
But-- what's the story?

Does Taurus kill people? Is he planning his revenge, or is he just talking about it?

This is why I say it's good character development, but lacks a story to draw in people. And until you have a present story with the background story, this piece will sound more like a monologue than a story.

Remember. Action is about what's happening in the tangible world. And event triggers other event.

Taurus did something to get punished. He gets punished. He plans his revenge. GOOD set up-- but FOLLOW through until there's a conclusion.

[Sexylegs]

I enjoyed reading it, man.

But like someone previously said (no good with names, me), the novelty of this forum has yet to wear off. I'm not expecting anyone to read what I just wrote up, but I don't care. If no one reads it, sure it'll feel like a defeat but, plain and simply; fuck them. I'll just write another one. I know how good I can get if I set my mind too it. :)

But yeah like I said at the beginning, solid prologue (it was the prologue right?) to what should be a splendid story to read.

[GMoose14]

You have a background story, but-- there isn't really a story happening now.

Yeah that's kinda why I said that it's a type of prologue to the actual story.

As far as I can tell, people punished Taurus. And this is some sort of fantastical futuristic world where people can gain powers and things like that.

Well actually these event's happened a little after the universe was formed, so it happened a really long time ago. If you've ever read the Genesis chapter of the Christian bible it talks about how God created Man in his image. So I set up this story to be before that, the bible never mentions if there were any beings created before so I had quite some freedom with it.

Okay-- wonderful way to draw in people.
But-- what's the story?

Well the story will unfold as I write the main story hard to tell what's going on here because you don't know anything about Taurus or who he is, and yeah this is kinda him talking to himself.

Does Taurus kill people? Is he planning his revenge, or is he just talking about it?

Well since you gave me a really good review I'll tell you exactly what's going on in this part.

Taurus lived on a planet of massive size, due to having two cores the planet was like volcano except planet sized. Taurus's people are the only species found on this planet and since they were created really early in the universe they have extremely advanced technologies we can only dream of. They are generally human in shape and size but they look like walking pieces of lava(I'll include a pic of taurus as was pre-elemental war).

Taurus was one of the 13 Dominus Domino which are essentially a council of the 13 strongest and wisest of the planet. But unlike the rest of the 13 Taurus did not wish to colonize other planets by forceful means and refused to cooperate. So they took him to one of their laboratories and decided they would amplify his powers since he was the strongest of the 13. They planned to use a type of mind controlling device on him so that he would obey. Unfortunately he woke up before they could implant the device and he went on a rampage destroying the laboratory and killing the scientists in the process. When he arrived at his house he found his wife dead and his house in ruin. This caused him to go into a depression which led to them easily capturing him. At the trial they accused him of murder and since they knew that his mind would never be calm again decided that they would try to dispose of him by flinging him into a neighboring black hole. They never knew that since they had amplified his abilities he had become immune to the effects of intense gravity. This is mainly due to the fact that the entire species already has abilities which involve control over the lava that is around them, meaning that their abilities are gravity based. And they amplified his control over gravity which meant that he alone in the entire universe could survive in a black hole. Another side effect of the amplification temporarily rendered him able to absorb more gravity and increase the amount he can control, and as we all know what source has an insane amount of gravity? A black hole. This resulted in him gaining control over all gravity as we know it. As such with more power than the entire planet he went back to his home planet to extract his revenge. He knew to some extent that his arrival on the planet would cause a disturbance in the gravitational field and since the planet had 2 cores it was not going to end well even if he stayed. So in other words he completely annihilated a planet 15 times the size of our sun. After which he chose to extract revenge on God himself by going to destroy the planet which would eventually be Earth. At this point the earth is young and is just a piece of rock with no moon. So Taurus gathers up enough asteroids until he's in an asteroid the size of a small planet. He accidentally travels via wormhole and collides with earth, this results in the chain reaction which caused the earth to change and a moon to orbit it. I based it off of the giant impact hypothesis which talks about a small planet crashing into the earth and all the stuff you should look it up if you need clarification. Due to having over exerted himself and being buried in the crust of the Earth Taurus goes into hibernation. He will reawaken in 1994 which is where the story of the Elements will start off.

His reason for wanting revenge on earth is because he feels that we somehow caused God to abandon their species and he thinks that by destroying the earth he'll get what he wants.

[GMoose14]

At 1/28/10 12:32 AM, Sexylegs wrote: I enjoyed reading it, man.

But like someone previously said (no good with names, me), the novelty of this forum has yet to wear off. I'm not expecting anyone to read what I just wrote up, but I don't care. If no one reads it, sure it'll feel like a defeat but, plain and simply; fuck them. I'll just write another one. I know how good I can get if I set my mind too it. :)

But yeah like I said at the beginning, solid prologue (it was the prologue right?) to what should be a splendid story to read.

Yeah I plan on the story someday becoming a book or something, I'm planning on making it some sort of trilogy and the prologue is but a taste of what is yet to come, not only that but I also have other stories which are of a completely different type. I plan on writing a story about a fight between heaven and hell, and a futuristic story about the search for atlantis that takes place in the 2060's, although the atlantis one will be more of a thriller.

[rifledark1]

At 1/28/10 01:11 AM, GMoose14 wrote:

At 1/28/10 12:32 AM, Sexylegs wrote: I enjoyed reading it, man.

But like someone previously said (no good with names, me), the novelty of this forum has yet to wear off. I'm not expecting anyone to read what I just wrote up, but I don't care. If no one reads it, sure it'll feel like a defeat but, plain and simply; fuck them. I'll just write another one. I know how good I can get if I set my mind too it. :)

But yeah like I said at the beginning, solid prologue (it was the prologue right?) to what should be a splendid story to read.

Yeah I plan on the story someday becoming a book or something, I'm planning on making it some sort of trilogy and the prologue is but a taste of what is yet to come, not only that but I also have other stories which are of a completely different type. I plan on writing a story about a fight between heaven and hell, and a futuristic story about the search for atlantis that takes place in the 2060's, although the atlantis one will be more of a thriller.

I see... Few suggestions:

Try to make your ideas more original.
Stuff like search for Atlantis, Hell vs. Heaven are 2 ideas that are widely mass produced and have been done a shit-load of times by hollywood.

Not telling you to ditch your ideas, but you need to come up with lots of original ideas used in your story to counter the unoriginalness of the idea itself.

i.e. An alien, intergalactic war: The creator of Star Wars mixed things up a bit by including a lot of 100% original stuff: The Force, Jedi, Sith, lightsabers, well-developed plots, aliens and governments, detailed planets, etc.

Take out all the originality I stated, and if Star Wars was just another intergalactic battle, it would be nothing special at all, and would never have risen to fame.

So follow that example, come up with as much originality as you can in your stories.
This one, I like very much.

[HahaISuckMoreThanYou]

I apologize, with many stories I normally read without posting a comment about it and I read this when the story was first typed. I liked the character development a great deal as it has a good foundation.

So if you finished the story already, post more of it :P want to read more.

[GMoose14]

So follow that example, come up with as much originality as you can in your stories.
This one, I like very much.

Well this story was first made up the summer before I went to 5th grade and from there I started changing the characters and making them mature and have their powers change, and as with the originality thing, my story will be one that'll stand out and probably piss off a lot of people if I ever manage to finish it.

[GMoose14]

At 1/28/10 01:36 AM, HahaISuckMoreThanYou wrote:

So if you finished the story already, post more of it :P want to read more.

The story is far from finished, and it will tie into the whole creation thing with a bunch of scientific theories. What I'm doing here is basing some of it on Intelligent Design. And the main character has a lot to do with the earth, and even though the story will resume 1994 it will eventually cross into the future.

As for the Search for atlantis thing, I'll make mine different, like I said it will be more of a thriller, so my story will be similar to a lot of the older books that talk about leaving things as they are.

[GMoose14]

Alright I'll try my best at writing a piece of the first chapter.

Chapter 1
Awakening

...Darkness. I am surrounded by darkness. I feel as if I am suffocating under this immense darkness but know it is not the cause of my pain. I don't know who I am, or where I've come from, but I do wish to see light. I begin to struggle with this strange darkness only to feel it compress itself ever more tightly around me. I try to lift my hand but find it impossible to move. This is no ordinary darkness, I struggle more and more until eventually the darkness begins to loosen around me. I see a dim light above me and wish to reach it. I attempt to sit up but that proved to be a mistake. The darkness enveloped me tighter than before. Now I am completely immobilized. I cannot even begin to think of the word defeat, I will be free. Summoning the last of my strength I finally manage to emerge from this darkness into a strange plain.

The ground is covered in a strange green fuzz, and has spike protruding from it with even more fuzz, these spikes I assume are some sort of decoration. Upon closer inspection of the ground fuzz I realize that it seems to be made up of single strands of some type of spike that is green and does not have a ball of fuzz on top of it. I attempt to pick one up only to have the ground before my hand begin to smoke and turn black. I look at my hand and notice that it seems to be composed of the darkness except it has veins of glowing magma! This discovery greatly astonished me as I have never seen magma inside a living being. Then again I do not remember any other beings, so it must mean that I am alone. I then gazed up at the sky and was stunned to see that it was of a blue hue with white fuzz in it. Looking slightly lower I discover giant towering structures that appear to be made out of stone. This greatly startled me as I had never seen any structure similar to this, but I also don't know who I am so I guess it evens out. I continue to gaze around this strange wonderland ignoring any movement taking place around me.

I came to my sense after nearly being hit by a small white ball with indentations. At this time I realize that I am not the only one here and quickly find the other beings here. There is a small quadruped standing in close proximity to me and it for some reason is using harsh tones. These barks must be their ways of marking their territory I thought to myself. I proceeded to move away from this place in search of a quieter place where I could gather my thoughts. The strange quadruped followed me never ceasing to bark. After walking a few more minutes I grew tired of the quadruped's incessant barking and resolved to tell it to leave me alone. I turn around and grab the animal only to regret it a moment later. I heard it begin to yelp and it's fur began to burn I did not know at the time that I was killing it. After a few moments of holding on to the quadruped it stopped moving and it's barking finally stopped. I was free to think.

****************************************
***********************

I spent days wandering around what I now considered my territory. I had learned much about "humanity" as their language was easy to decipher. And half of the two-legged creatures that came here forgot their records of information. I soon learned that I had arrived in a place known as Texas somewhere in a country called The U.S. but had no idea exactly where I was. I also learned of the country's history not that it mattered to me but it did help to pass the time. Since I was alone and knew of no one else I resolved to figure out a way to become one of these humans. It took me a while to figure out the exact anatomy of the human body and especially all the proportions but I finally managed to memorize it all. My attempts at shape shifting were to commence the following day.

Most of my chapters will be of varying length beginning short and eventually being a decent length. I'll post chapter 2 tomorrow.

[GMoose14]

Chapter 2 will probably be a bit longer than chapter 1 since I'll include more detail.

[Hoogiman]

Hi, it certainly seems you have ambition with this story and you have a heap of ideas to convey. But I think as opposed to people with writer's block, I felt sometimes like it was just a mass of too much information. I can guess you were really really excited to get the ball rolling with this story because there was definite direction in the prologue.

Like I always do, I'll just point out a few things and ask a few questions.

In the darkest depths of space, where even the light fails I live.

Not bad, I think if you're going to open with the setting, you should really focus on how isolated and how alone this character feels. What's around him? You don't necessarily have to say space, can you use other terms to describe this setting?

Especially showing your work in a forum of falling threads, and also maybe in general (if anyone clicks on a story or picks up a book), try and captivate the audience.

Even try opening with something like: 'Regret. Why have I been tortured so?' ...something short and snappy like that makes the reader ponder.

No being has lived as long as I and none ever will,

This description of what this very powerful character is, in this prologue is never quite clear. Is this your intent? Do we get to see any physical features of this character? Although you might want to reveal this later, a lot of people like to imagine the character... ...I'm a bit confused, is he a physical entity? Sometimes clarity, or emphasising those little details can go a long way. These are all suggestions of course.

I Tauros was the only being that had ever escaped the deepest bowels of the universe and was back for my revenge!

The only name-drop in the prologue? Why is it important to put it here, and only here? Could we familiarise ourselves with the name, even in some other way? Could we have heard a thought resonating in his head from the court, does he remember something someone said?

You say he's tormented by memories... can he share even one or two of them in the prologue? A lot of your sentences start with the I, and although it's a first-person narration, this doesn't mean every sentence has to start with an 'I'.

This also varies it up and mixes it up a little bit, from being just a long stream of thoughts, to maybe some thoughts, to a memory, to his reactions to that memory (emotions) and back to more events.

"Tauros, You have betrayed us!" the constant scream resonates in my head.

Secondly, you provided a description for some of the events going on. I think you need to make it clear to the reader when he first sees it, because I was a bit confused with passing references to the Dominus Domino and etc.

I think this is very important that you describe the organisations/unique things that are exclusive to your universe with some detail, because what you want to achieve ultimately as a writer is to get the reader to get your entire picture.

Those are just a few suggestions, there's a lot going for this, and it's quite interesting, but there's a lot that could be said constructively, but of course not all of it can be said in a short-ish post.

If this helps at all, I'll read more after if you'd like.

[GMoose14]

At 1/28/10 08:34 PM, Hoogiman wrote: Hi, it certainly seems you have ambition with this story and you have a heap of ideas to convey. But I think as opposed to people with writer's block, I felt sometimes like it was just a mass of too much information. I can guess you were really really excited to get the ball rolling with this story because there was definite direction in the prologue.

Yeah but I'm kinda new to writing down instead of drawing and I've read lots of books its just that I'm still figuring out how I'll present it, the writing will probably get noticeably better as the story progresses and I get more advice for writing.

Not bad, I think if you're going to open with the setting, you should really focus on how isolated and how alone this character feels. What's around him? You don't necessarily have to say space, can you use other terms to describe this setting?

Well as you read you eventually figure out that he is in a black hole which really has no actual description.

Even try opening with something like: 'Regret. Why have I been tortured so?' ...something short and snappy like that makes the reader ponder.

You got a point there, I'll try to be more articulate with further chapters.

This description of what this very powerful character is, in this prologue is never quite clear. Is this your intent? Do we get to see any physical features of this character? Although you might want to reveal this later, a lot of people like to imagine the character... ...I'm a bit confused, is he a physical entity? Sometimes clarity, or emphasising those little details can go a long way. These are all suggestions of course.

Yes he is a physical being and the prologue is just a form of introduction to how the character arrives on earth. There will be much more descriptive terms in following chapters,

The only name-drop in the prologue? Why is it important to put it here, and only here? Could we familiarise ourselves with the name, even in some other way? Could we have heard a thought resonating in his head from the court, does he remember something someone said?

It is pretty important since he will eventually develop dual-personalities and Taurus will be the darker of the two. Not to mention it will be important post-Elemental War. And as for memories he won't tell a full account of them until further down the story, as he has currently developed amnesia.

You say he's tormented by memories... can he share even one or two of them in the prologue? A lot of your sentences start with the I, and although it's a first-person narration, this doesn't mean every sentence has to start with an 'I'.

Yeah but it is my first time really trying to write a full story so I'll get the hang of it soon and then come back and revise it.

This also varies it up and mixes it up a little bit, from being just a long stream of thoughts, to maybe some thoughts, to a memory, to his reactions to that memory (emotions) and back to more events.

"Tauros, You have betrayed us!" the constant scream resonates in my head.

Perhaps in future chapters.

Secondly, you provided a description for some of the events going on. I think you need to make it clear to the reader when he first sees it, because I was a bit confused with passing references to the Dominus Domino and etc.

Well when he finally regains his memories, I'll create a prequel to the story.

If this helps at all, I'll read more after if you'd like.

That would be much appreciated, I'll at least have 1 regular criticizer.

[GMoose14]

Alright I now have a general outline of Chapter 2 you guys are gonna love it!

[GMoose14]

Here's chapter 2 of the Elements:

Chapter 2
Shift

I awoke early in anticipation of finally being able to change my physical appearance. Leaving my hole I started walking around in what the locals called "the park". Even though I scorched the very earth as I walked I could not help but to feel as if life was full of astounding things. This strange green fuzz called "grass" seemed to never need any nutrition. This surprised me as I had seen those who walk on two legs, called "humans", consume various kinds of "food". Yet this green fuzz seemed to not require any such thing. My first encounter with dying fuzz occurred but a few minutes later. I had decided to stroll to a different area and found that here the green fuzz was yellowing; and whereas the green fuzz had been soft and comfortable, this yellow fuzz was dry and stiff. Assuming that the fuzz did in fact need nutrition I took "food" from a couple who happened to not be paying attention. The bag started to burn and I had to dump the contents onto the fuzz. I knelt down and took pieces of the fu "burger" and tried to feed it to the yellow fuzz. But no matter how hard I tried I could not get the fuzz to eat, it was as if it did not want to eat what I had exerted myself to take. I became angry at this and burned the yellow fuzz, which in turn became black.Deciding that it would be best to just leave the fuzz alone I started walking again.

Having entertained myself for quite a while I resolved to commence my experiments at once. My first attempt was to duplicate the image of a squirrel. I felt my skin at first contract and then expand as it grew a length of black hair. This was not really hair but a really fine and compressed form of rock which my body naturally produced. Luckily the color of this rock could also change to the color necessary for true camouflage. After I was certain that my shape and appearance were exact I stared into a nearby puddle to observe the results. What I saw nearly caused me to faint. I had gotten every detail correctly except that the ears were shaped like horns, this error was of course quickly resolved but it caused the tail to unexpectedly spike up. The squirrel test was a failure, I could not completely control all of my appearance without something else changing. I spent hours duplicating the experiment and came to the conclusion that the reason for my failure was that my focus was on individual body parts and not the whole squirrel. With that in mind I pictured in my head a squirrel and blurred out the background, leaving only the squirrel; I again felt my skin contract and waited for the fur to completely cover me before I decided to open my eyes. I looked again at the puddle and was overjoyed at how I had duplicated the appearance of a squirrel albeit one of fur as black as coal. Any onlookers would have found my joy amusing, for I truly looked like a squirrel, and I was dancing around the puddle on two legs.

Having finally accomplished shifting into a squirrel I quickly moved onto more complicated specimens. I resolved that a wolf would be my next form to take. I spent the following days studying the physiology of the Black wolf, as I believed that this mutation of a wolf appeared more intimidating. I studied the skeletal structure as well as the organic arrangement and functions. Soon I had memorized the structure and was to commence the shifting into a wolf this night.

***********************************

I awoke late at night with a sudden chill. The temperature had changed dramatically from being mild to below freezing. Figuring that as long as I was awake I might as well try shifting into a wolf. I gazed up at the full moon and I chuckled to myself, what a fortunate night to shift into a wolf. The puddle I had used as a mirror had luckily not dried up and had instead frozen over. I stepped closer to it and gazed at my reflection I was still in the form of a squirrel. I quickly shifted back into my original form and began concentrating on the image of a black wolf.It did not take long for me to feel the changes occurring; I felt the skin contract and then loosed, the tail shoot out, and this time felt my face get stretched out, my arms and hands were now on the floor and I was no longer able to stand erect. I waited until I felt sure that I had stopped shifting and opened my eyes. The first thing I saw was the reflection of the full moon on the puddle, I could smell the freshness of the grass and inhaled deeply the rich aroma that the wind carried. I looked down into the puddle and saw a early exact replica of the wolf from my studies; except that I for some reason had dark green eyes, and was slightly larger than a black wolf should have been. I pondered as to why this was, and soon reached the conclusion that, the bigger and more complex the animal is, the more things are bound to change.

I fear to see what the results of shifting into a human will be. Surely it shall be hideous, but nonetheless I am absolved to at the very least attempt it. With that in mind I began running around the park enjoying the speed which this form provided me, I felt free and careless. I decided that I would finally attempt to shift into human shape after having studied the exact nature of human beings, and the structure of every cell in their bodies.

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I hope that you enjoyed reading this chapter, and I'll probably write the 3rd chapter tomorrow but I'm not making any promises as you never know what could happen.

[GMoose14]

Wonder how long until someone post's a review on chapter 1 and 2...:|

[GMoose14]

Chapter 3 is gonna be awsome! :P

[GMoose14]

Is anyone gonna read this thing?

[GMoose14]

Here's a link to a PDF of the story in case anyone wants to read it a bit more clearly.

The Elements

[GMoose14]

Just to let you guys know I will resume posting the story in about a month, the commotion should have if not died down at least not have a lot of randomness.

[GMoose14]

Alright I started revising the chapters I already have so if anyone has any tips say em' now.

[TrevorW]

A heads up:

I will be reading your topic here tomorrow!

Cheers, and I look forward to it

[GMoose14]

Heh heh, I's getting myself some fans :D

[GMoose14]

Alright I'm back and have already started writing the third chapter, and as of this moment am to commence taking my story seriously(more so than before). I shall also start revising my chapters before posting as to make the story flow easier. Any reviews would be much appreciated as it would help me to understand what readers like and dislike about my style and grammar, plus this is also a great way to get my story out there.

[GMoose14]

As many of you might have guessed I was kind of taking a bit of a break(an extended break) from newgrounds but have come up with plenty of new ideas for my story, which I began re-writing a while ago, I hope that you will like it better than the original.

Anyways I decided that I would combine the first chapter as to form a proper origin story for my Character thus enabling me to construct an appropriate foundation to work upon.

I also appreciate any input any of my readers provide and in fact welcome it.

[GMoose14]

In the darkest depths, where even the light fails, I live. Tormented by memories I'd rather forget I guard my haunt, such a dark and wearisome place. No being has lived as long as I, or suffered as much as me, and none ever will, for I am embedded into the very womb of time. I see none and they do not see me for that is the way things must be, I dwell here in this abyss longing for freedom, craving the light, yet I am lost.

The love of my life has now long since passed, and the earth is now no more. I have outlived all of humanity, and am now alone on this husk of a planet. The sun has become nothing more than a white dwarf providing barely enough light to maintain the day in a permanent twilight. The moon is now no more. It is always cold here and my very surroundings reflect my loneliness. There are no oceans and no living thing survives. I now dwell at the bottom of an abyss, and have no intention of crawling out, there is no point in it, for she is no longer here.

I suppose it would be best if I started from the beginning, so as that you could understand how I came to be, and as to how I got here. It all began approximately 64 Billion years ago, and you must understand that I am one of the few beings to have survived from the past universe. At the moment the current universe is 18 Billion years old. I know that you must wondering as to how I came to live
46 Billion years, and more specifically how I managed to survive the collapse of one universe and the expansion of a new one. Well the thing is, I wouldn't want to tell you just a piece of the story so I shall commence from the beginning, 64 Billion years ago...