Short poem, '60's inspired

[stimcrab]

It has no title. I can't think of a good one. Anyways, I'm not poet (more of a short story writer), but here's my pitiful attempt at writing something poetic and "good." Please leave constructive criticism; I need to get better.

The world swirls around me
It screams in Technicolor glory
That we are all each other
And yet none of us are we

The sky turns orange
As if exposed to the sea
And the music is settling
Into clouds that are unreal

The women frolick together
Leaving the men to die
So they die as one
And come back where they left

The sandcastle skyline burns
As it soaks up the sunset's fire
And expunges the heat it gathers
In radiant, musical bursts

[megakill]

First off, try not to be so hard on yourself.

You said its got a 60's inspired theme, and a lot of what you wrote sort of reminded me of the beatles.
Some aspects i cant quite work out, like how the woman leave the men to die, but then i guess that all comes down to reader's interpretation.

Anyways, i quite liked it. Ill keep an eye out for your stuff in the future.

[TrevorW]

I think you are right. Your play was breathtaking, this was alright. We all have our niche -- at any rate write what you like. You have talent in one area...you have to get better in other areas.

[stimcrab]

I'm honored by my being in your tagline!!

[stimcrab]

Thank you very much. I'll try and crank 'em out then!

[TrevorW]

I seriously love that play. It could and would be an interesting book too. Excellent.

[ElectricPlayground]

I enjoyed the mood of this, really cool.