My sad poem

[HappyMango]

i wrote this back when i was in a deep depression. tell me if you think its too damn depressing

rhyming is for rappers

One face, the happy child,

Never a care in the world

Stayed up late, slept into the day

Out playing on the baseball field

Unaware of the unknown

The other face, a dark soul

Feeding on hatred and anger

Torn from humanity

His despair ate him alive

And he cried

Without the warmth of the one he loved

He feels cold, empty, and hollow

[TrevorW]

It really isn't that depressing. If anything the story you are trying to get across seemed rushed. The structure has a lot to do with that, but it could also use a few more lines to build the story.

[megakill]

I love sad poems!

The way i see this, is that the two faces represent the two sides of the same person; one face is shown to the world, the other is hidden, but hold all the true feelings of the boy.

I like the line "his despair ate him alive", it shows how out feelings can slowly change us.

All id suggest is try to expand your vocabulary a little bit. Cold, empty and hollow and are good, but they are used quite often in many poems. Throw in a few more uncommon and interesting words to really keep the reader on his (or her) toes.

Other than that, it's good work! I look forward to reading more and seeing you develop!

[TrevorW]

Do NOT be afraid to play with words.
For instance this:

Feeding on hatred and anger

Torn from humanity

His despair ate him alive

He feels cold, empty, and hollow

Could be this, or something of the sort:

The face glares as it feeds --
swallows whole -- engulfing
all the hatred, in its ambiguity.
And transformed (by a world of hate)
it fragments endlessly.
Shallowed it falls way-side to
shadows. Lost, gone -- forgotten!
Torn from humanity: despair.
How the pain torments
cold hallowed face -- swallowed.
Cold. Dead, swallowed.

[HappyMango]

i don't do too much poetry, mostly when im depressed. i did this awhile back, since then i've discovered thesaurus on my word document, so if i do more, it'll be a bit more complex. thanks for the comments

[TrevorW]

At 1/28/10 09:33 PM, HappyMango wrote: i don't do too much poetry, mostly when im depressed. i did this awhile back, since then i've discovered thesaurus on my word document, so if i do more, it'll be a bit more complex. thanks for the comments

Happy writings! Good luck and I can't wait!

[Kajenx]

I think it wants to be depressing, but it only manages to quote depression, rather than communicating it directly. Don't use words that sound dark, use words that feel dark in the context your poem is in, and it will BE dark rather than sound like it's trying to be. Especially if you're depressed, just try to find words that convey how you feel. You might be sad, but don't use the word sad, use, for example, "weighted with old worries."

I agree with Trevor, though I think the poem has an interesting theme. It just needs some stronger wording.

[Evark]

The most common advice my poetry professor gives is "show, don't tell." You're doing a lot of telling and so your poem is boring for it. I didn't feel anything for the character, I had no idea what his environment was, and overall lacked any reaction whatsoever after having read the piece.

[TrevorW]

Don't show. Don't tell. Write in clear ink and call it poetry.

That has meaning if you think about it.

[Evark]

At 1/28/10 10:03 PM, TrevorW wrote: That has meaning if you think about it.

It's a pun that conveys the same thing as 'show, don't tell.'

[TrevorW]

At 1/28/10 10:10 PM, Evark wrote:

At 1/28/10 10:03 PM, TrevorW wrote: That has meaning if you think about it.

It's a pun that conveys the same thing as 'show, don't tell.'

I would never repeat what you said in flashier words. EVER! I am not that guy. Well...ok Iso did..but it sounded so cool in my head. I'm sorry.

/hug Evark