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Quick Story Info:
NSFW (Language content, suggested adult content, Ideologically sensitive content)
Revision: Draft 2
Currently Seeking: Grammatical corrections, character development feedback, scene descriptive feedback, action sequence feedback
Hey folks, Skye/Drew here. Though I know most of you have no clue who I am, I'm hoping this topic will change all that as I aim for feedback on my novel.
At this time, the novel is called Hope Everlasting. I'm considering a new name for it, unless I find that name is popular enough. It is a fantasy story taking place in a post-apocalyptic world, where the world has lost all use of technology, forcing itself to revert into a medieval-style society.
As per fantasy stories, you can expect the following things to pop up:
However, I will note that I tend to play my own twists when it comes to long standing concepts. To give a brief example, in another work of mine I have elves. However, I have played with the concept of the general elf appearance. Unlike the typical "long blonde hair, blue eyes" deal, I've gone for "shoulder length dark red hair, green or grey eyes" as the norm. I even created an additional race in that story that held the usual elf appearance and wrote in some racial confusion due to "some popular writer."
Therefore, if at any point you see what I right to be a total divergence of the standard norm, it is best to assume it is intentional. You can point it out for me if you really want, and if it's not intentional I'll fix it.
Due to the use of a post-apocalyptic world setting, you'll often also find things from the "old world," pieces of technology, spring up in the story. One such artifact shows in the first chapter.
I won't get into details on how the world was ruined or the plot synopsis, since the former will be explained throughout the story and the latter gives too much away.
I'll be posting all chapters that I am looking for feedback and criticism on over on my website, www.starofdestiny.com. When I feel a chapter has gotten enough feedback for me to complete it wholly, I'll replace the file with a "This chapter has been removed" PDF.
Alright, time for me to shut up. Here's the URL to the first chapter:
As much as I hate doing this, I'm giving this a bump in the hopes of getting some feedback.
I know the chapter is long, it's part of a novel (that is part of a trilogy, if my plans come out correctly), so it's bound to be long. Feedback on this is very important to me, so if anyone can give it, I would greatly appreciate it.
It sounded interesting so I tried to open it, but I got error 23, is that my shitty computer or can you fix that?
That might be you. It seemed to load up fine for me. What version of Adobe Reader are you using?
That was looooooooong for a first chapter.
Anyway, I think you write descriptions well, I had a perfectly clear image of what everything looked like in my head.
However, I feel like you're rushing to fit everything in, especially at the start. Just slow down and let events take longer, you know?
Also, the language seems a bit... childish, no offense. Maybe you're writing for people younger than me. It just seemed a bit like the language didn't always suit the context and the era.
But I did enjoy it, the people seem to have some kind of bond and the storylines decent.
The era is something that has confused a lot of people. They read the story and, based on the almost medieval state they see, they assume it's middle ages or such, which isn't true. To explain it a bit better, the story takes place in a society that has fallen, more or less. Where once they had huge advances in science, robotics, and whatnot, today they have none of it due to the event that brought about the world's apocalypse. It's forced their society to revert back to this more medieval state, but it doesn't mean their language has reverted back too.
I wonder if that has impact of the view of the language.
I figured my pacing might be a bit fast, but I'm in a lot of ways worried that if it isn't fast, this book will get massively larger. However, I'll look into slowing the pacing. Maybe taking my current work and breaking it all up into smaller chapters can help with that?