The Infamous Villiage Inn Story

[JSMaTT]

The events are real, the names are nicknames to protect their identities, and I can't disclose which bar this was at, because I don't want to get banned from it, and I can't disclose which VillageInn this was because, honestly I don't remember which one it was.

So I'm lying at home in my apartment, completely bored. Even my facebook status is something like "HELP ME IM BORED"

My friend "Laura" answers the call, and invites me to a bar. At first I was hesitant, I have class at 10 in the morning the next day, I can't go out and get drunk.

Then I decided that responsibility is for suckers and got dressed and went out to her apartment. Already at the apartment was Jack and Nina. I had never met Jack before, but I've met Nina, and shes a scary woman. Everytime Nina speaks you do a fake laugh and think to yourself, "HOW THE FUCK DO YOU DRESS YOURSELF IN THE MORNING, BITCH!"

On the way to the bar, Nina keeps joking about how shes going to take advantage of my drunk ass. I'm laughing at the mental image of her trapped inside her own shirt.

We get to the bar and sit at our usual place. Rounds of shots are ordered, and we drink and start conversing about life. When I first started going to the bar, I was always afraid that I'd get nailed with underage and thrown out, but no one gives a shit, not here anyway. I can actually tell the cocktail waitress that we need another round of shots, and she'll comply without even checking for an ID. Way to earn your tip.

So after shot 4, the vodka is really starting to take its effect, things get silly. Nina starts making those "I want to fuck you eyes" at me. I'm not wanting this to happen at all. I start to worry. Laura and Jack will be too busy having crazy monkey sex to save me from Nina. In my drunken stuper, I quickly realize that I must make a decision about this:

1. Stop drinking now, sober up, to at the very least, have the ability to keep Nina at bay.

2. Sleep in the same room at Laura and Jack. Yeah, ok, like I want to hear monkeys having sex....actually, I should make a note to youtube that later.

3. Get so completely shit faced hammered that I cannot even function as a human being - and thus, cannot be taken advantage of.

Well, anyone who knows me can guess what happens next. 4 shots of vodka and redbull are placed on the table. I throw down a 10 dollar bill and proceed to drink them all, one by one.

Any veteran drinker knows whats going to happen next. I don't consider myself a vet by any means. If you've been keeping track, I am now up to 8 shots of vodka. It has been less than an hour. I am a fucking light weight. My body CANNOT handle this. I was screwed, and the only way my night could have been saved is if the bar caught on fire and I was too stupid to escape.

After downing the last shot of vodka, my stomach had warning lights going off. It was basically screaming STOP IT YOU GOD DAMNED IDIOT!!!!!! Within minutes I was talking extremely loud, slurring, and not able to comprehend anything. Everything is blurry to me, but through the noise I hear Nina say,

"Get him another shot"

I think I started crying. I started panicing. I was like "I DONT WANT ANYMORE VODKAAAAAAAaaaaaaa!" and sure enough, that cocktail waitress slut places a shot in front of me. The smell starts making me sick, and in an attempt to back away from it, I fall out the chair and kick frantically at the table.

I am stuck. I cannot get off the floor.

Jack, the amazing human being he is, picks me up and drags me to the bathroom. I don't recall a line or anything, I was that fucked up.

We get into the bathroom, and I had to persuade Jack to undo my pants.

"Peeeeeeeeze Jack, dits too hard"

After saying "Jesus fucking christ" he undo's my pants and I brace my hands on the wall and start pissing. Obviously I'm pissing everywhere, I have no sense of aim. Once I'm done, I try to stand up on my own 2 feet, and lose my balance in the process, and fall. I landed on the tank of the toilet.

Now, if your this shit faced, and your body makes a sudden movement...well, you know...

I started puking. On top of the Toilet tank. With my pants down, and junk hanging out. Jack is like IN THE BOWL! GET IT IN THE BOWL!

I stop puking, and manage to stand up. I look at Jack, and can make out the horrified look on his face. I puke again. Jack decides we need to leave. Now. I almost forgot to pull my pants back up.

He carries me to the parking lot and hurls me into the back seat of his car. I hear him describing the mess in the bathroom and how angry the staff is gonna be when they discover it. I pass out.

I wake up and the car is stopped. I feel like shit. I'm so glad to be home.

But wait, we aren't home. We are at a fucking village inn.

Apparently the girls are fucking hungry.

I am pissed.

I manage to crawl out of the car and I'm screaming and swearing at the group. I almost fall and Jack and Nina save me. I apologize to everyone, and tell them I'm having a bad day. 2 girls leave Village Inn and see me being held by everyone.

Girl1: Is he ok?
Jack: He's just had waaaay too much to drink
Girl2: He looks awful...
Me: FUCKING WHORES!!!

There was something about their voices, and just standing there, that just irritated the hell out of me.

They say some stuff. Jack laughs. We go inside. I somehow have the restraint to not swear and scream stuff. I'm pretty out of it at this point. Laura orders me french fries.

I eat a few of the french fries, and my stomach says "Fuck this shit"

I jump out of my chair and run for the bathroom, knocking a chair over and brusing my shin in the process.

I make it into the bathroom.
I notice 2 other guys in the bathroom
I run into a stall, and puke into the porcelein throne
I feel like shit
The 2 guys are laughing, clapping, and cheering me on.
I think they are assholes
...

I stop puking, I am in pain.
The guys get bored and leave.
I get up and wobble to the mirror to clean my face.
I see my puke stained face and shirt in the mirror
My stomach gets angry and I puke. Again.
I puked on the mirror, and the sink below.
The force of the unexpected puke knocks my balance backwards. I hit the wall and start to fall. I grab a soap dispenser in an attempt to save myself. At that moment I realized soap dispensers were not made to support drunken assholes like me, and it rips off the wall. After landing on the floor, I puke again.
...

I pass out.

10 minutes pass, everyone is concerned that I haven't returned from the bathroom. Jack goes to investigates

Jack walks into the bathroom to see me laying on the floor spooning a vomit covered soap dispenser.
Jack wakes me up, and he has that same horrified look from the bar. He says "LOOK WHAT YOU DID!" and points to the puke on the mirror, sink, and floor.

I forgot to mention that in the car after the bar, Jack gave me one of his shirts to wear, since mine had vomit on it. Now his shirt had vomit on it to, woot!

Jack tells the girls to pay for the food and hurry out to the car.

I am once again hurled into the back seat.

At this point I blacked out. I woke up with my head leaning over the couch and a bowl on the floor. I felt like ass. I obviously didn't make it to my 10 a.m. class. I did make it to work, by then I was at least in hangover stage.

Now, you may say that I learned my lesson. That I should never drink that much again. But you know what I say? Mission Accomplished! After I came into conciousness, I saw Nina safely tucked away in the other couch. I had not been raped.

Huzzah

[Josh-B]

How lovely.