"The Snake in the Fruit Tree"

[InsertFunnyUserName]

This is a pretty short piece that I wrote maybe four or so months back and now that we have a writing forum ( :D ), I figured I would go get some feedback. So, here I am.

Do I change the mood in this in a detrimental way? I've read it over a few times and I'm unsure.
Also, is it clear?

Any sort of constructive criticisms would be much appreciated, even if it's something minor like an awkward sentence.

____________
I sense nothing but the smell of gasoline. I know nothing; I see nothing; I feel nothing; I taste nothing. I hear sound no longer and I cease to remember anything except for that foul, stagnant smell that ascends from the floor up to my dazed form.

My eyes are still capable of seeing and yet all I know at this moment is black. My ears are still capable of hearing and yet all I know at this moment is silence. My nerves are alive and yet I can not feel. I am still capable of speaking and yet I can not recall any words. I feel no pain, no sorrow, no love and no hate, no joy and no indifference, no apathy and no compassion; there is nothing.

This smell, this taunting, derisive smell is everywhere. Where is it coming from? If only I could feel; if only I could know.

Where is my knowledge? Where has it gone? Has it been taken from me? Has this smell taken my knowledge from me? How could it do such a thing? Has it not been taught otherwise? What a fiendish imp of a smell.

I attempt to inform the smell that I wish to take my knowledge back, but I find myself unable to. The words I speak are not the ones I wanted; not even close.

"I will burn this house down to the ground" I speak, but that doesn't make any sense. These words have nothing to do with my abducted knowledge. It must be the smell playing tricks on me. I must try again; I'll get it right eventually for I have always been rather perceptive.

"You're a very beautiful woman." No, no, no, that's not right either.

"I hope you enjoy burning alive." Wrong again, I am.

Who am I trying to fool? I do not know what these words mean that I am saying. My mouth appears to know, but it's not telling me of its thought processes.

I have fallen into quite a precarious situation. I have been trapped in this blackened silence by the smell of gasoline, a smell so vile and so cunning that it has conquered my entire being and gained control over my every sense.

There is no reasoning with this evil thing. I have never been a man of violence, but there is no other resolve. I want my knowledge back and I will retrieve it by any means necessary.

There are matches in my hand. I am unsure of how they ended up there, however, I have no grievances. My hands seem to know and appear to be working of their own will, however, unlike my treacherous mouth whom I have tried my best to silence (though I do not know as my knowledge of hearing is still under the smell's arrest), they are my loyal allies and are obedient to my desires.

My feet are the smell's allies. They walk me backwards, away from the smell and the smell seems to be growing fainter and fainter.

I try to cry out "No, bring me back!" but all that my mouth expels is "Scream, you slag! Scream! There's no escape!"

Who in the world is my ill-disposed mouth speaking to? I suppose I will never know as it refuses to confide in me it's most probably absurd intentions. But my hand knows. My hand knows to light the match aflame and throw it into the smell before we are out of range.

My feet begin to make me run. The most logical answer is that they are afraid of the smell's wrath; they are afraid because they have failed. They have failed to foil my plans to destroy the smell's every essence as punishment for it's abduction of my knowledge and I know it has not been foiled for I can feel my knowledge coming back to me.

I begin to remember some of my words and I begin to regain control of my mouth. I will punish this mouth at a later point, but for now I yell "Yes! Yes! Yes!" in celebration of my success.

I begin to feel the hot sensation of the heat emanating from the fiery death of the smell that had taken my knowledge hostage and I begin feel joy knowing that I had inflicted my retribution upon this criminal.

But then suddenly, I begin to feel pain. I feel a pain like a pain I had never felt before. It feels like my flesh is burning and it is at this moment that I realize that the smell was not yet dead. How foolish of me to think that the smell that had been so cunning as to be able to trick a man as astute as myself would be taken down so easily.

I run. I run away as fast as I can, regaining dominance over my feet. I drop to the ground and roll around until the flames on my back and my arms are extinguished and then I leap to my feel and jump out some sort of door.

I have jumping into blackened silence once again with no feeling and no knowledge, but this time, I smell no gasoline.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

Ugh, this always happens. Feedback, anyone?

[NekoMika]

At 1/28/10 09:06 PM, InsertFunnyUserName wrote: Ugh, this always happens. Feedback, anyone?

Sounds somewhat like a story of a blind person setting a house fire yet they don't wish too and yet they do anyway because they no control over who they are at the moment and then when they do regain control it is all too late.

I'd actually like to attempt voice acting this and putting it up in the audio portal actually, quite a deep piece IFUN.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 1/28/10 09:14 PM, SCTE3 wrote: Sounds somewhat like a story of a blind person setting a house fire yet they don't wish too and yet they do anyway because they no control over who they are at the moment...

Well, blind metaphorically, but yeah.

I'd actually like to attempt voice acting this and putting it up in the audio portal actually, quite a deep piece IFUN.

That's be awesome :D

[NekoMika]

At 1/28/10 09:21 PM, InsertFunnyUserName wrote:

I'd actually like to attempt voice acting this and putting it up in the audio portal actually, quite a deep piece IFUN.

That's be awesome :D

Might do it tomorrow night if I have nothing better to do, it'd give me something to do anyways.

[greenblade1]

Well, if you want minor feedback... I'm a little bothered by the fact that you are bereft of all your sentences except smell, and yet you are aware that you have matches in your hand.

I begin to feel the hot sensation of the heat emanating from the fiery death of the smell that had taken my knowledge hostage and I begin feel joy knowing that I had inflicted my retribution upon this criminal.

I feel like this should be two sentences, and say something like I feel joy in the knowledge... or experience joy in the knowledge... Since you've used the word feel a lot.
Don't really like present tense writing, but you pulled it off pretty well. All I can really say is what I've said.

[NekoMika]

Doesn't really look like I'm going to have anything better to do tonight and where I live we're supposed to get over 12" of snow, I'll be impressed if it happens. Any kind of idea on what kind of tone and dialect I should use for this piece or just go with my own style on this?

[NekoMika]

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  The sname in the tree by SCTE3

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Let me know what you think IFUN. Tried my best with it? Might sound a little poppy on some parts since I'm still using a very old mic.