Megakill's Poetry

[megakill]

After reading through the guidelines everyone has been suggesting and posting in the Writer's Lounge, I've realised it's probably better that i make this thread, where ill submit all my new work, rather than make a new topic each time.
Everyone is free to leave their comments and reviews of my work here, just keep it relevant guys; I really appriciate people taking time to review my stuff.

Mods, feel free to lock the work ive already submitted, im going to re-post it here.

Heaven is Below

hold your tongue, lest He takes it back
your Father is false, your Mother, his Shadow.
He favours His children according to creation
you are the spawn of balance
so others may thrive
you must fall

We are not born equally.

Allow Me to introduce Myself
I'm the demon you pretend not to see when you peer in the mirror
the reflection of your puppet master
in my hand are your eyes, crying out ignorance
your smile, moulded from My own fangs.

oh how you plea.
.
.
.
How Sweet

you will burn like the Phoenix
I'll induce the blaze
such an orgasmic Shriek
you'll thank Me.

If anybody wants to offer their opinion or advice, I'd really appriciate it. All the punctuation and layout is intended by the way, im not that bad with grammar.

[megakill]

Like Marionette Dolls

Keep going
don't stop now you've come so far
it would be a shame to ruin the grand finale
and there's a thirsty crowd waiting to lap up the excess
they'll give a similar reaction but its only see-through
with a performance like this, you've got to be bright
more pleasing to the eye, to satisfy the crocodiles
they always said to make a splash
but no one expected this
its all too easy
bravo

[megakill]

The gauntlet has claimed another
Like the embers of sweet misery embodying tainted shadows
Bleeding out smiles to appease forbidden fruits
How the splinters of hollow tears shall stain our skin
Yet the fabric of hope promises false desire
Driving us to rape the colour of passion
Feeding our cravings, sowing us back together
But stitches will fray and so
Malice and despair will gush from open wounds
And as the eye draws to close
A priceless gem will fall
It will leave screams in its wake
But silence will echo with immaculate chorus
As our valour drains

[megakill]

My Mind's Prison

As my brittle nails break away against the walls of my prison
manic laughter rings true
HAHAHA

Impact
my glistening palms strike the splintering barriers
feet slapping against stone
manic laughter rings true
HAHAHA

sweet splinters swipe my fingertips
causing them to cry
I collapse in the corner
my corpse convulsing
manic laughter rings true
HAHAHA

I reach out to snatch these strings
they are carried away in the wind
but the jerking wont cease
I fold like paper, hands still raining and yet
my lips curl to a smile
manic laughter rings true
HAHAHA

I cant stop laughing

[TrevorW]

You have some skill here, that much is obvious. Now as for tips I have a few. You may want to consider using punctuation more than you do, it provides meter to your poems. Also while good word choice is apparent through out it could still be improved.

You have good ideas, now continue to hone your style.

[Josh-B]

Jesus, these poems go pretty deep. I couldn't imagine what any of them mean but, wow.

[Earthshine]

At 1/27/10 06:51 PM, megakill wrote: My Mind's Prison

The only thing I would suggest for this poem is that you cut out the HAHAHA and just leave maniac laughter rings true. Also it would be nice if you added some rhyme schemes. I am not a big fan of free verse myself. But if that's what you like, I can't do anything about it. Other than those two things, they're pretty good.

[TrevorW]

At 1/27/10 06:56 PM, Earthshine wrote:

At 1/27/10 06:51 PM, megakill wrote: My Mind's Prison

The only thing I would suggest for this poem is that you cut out the HAHAHA and just leave maniac laughter rings true. Also it would be nice if you added some rhyme schemes. I am not a big fan of free verse myself. But if that's what you like, I can't do anything about it. Other than those two things, they're pretty good.

The poetic community considers rhyme schemes to be a archaic approach to poetry as of late. For many the style of a set scheme died at the start of the 21st century or at the end of the 20th (at any rate it was around then).

Also, the "hahaha" can be used if used properly. Personally I use a colon or a new line for such a thing, but that is at the risk of the author -- as you said, you dislike it. Many readers may not like it.

[megakill]

Hey im glad you guys enjoyed my stuff!

TrevorW, its good to hear you like my style. Ill try to punctuate my work a bit more from now on to help it flow. As for my vocabulary, i guess thats just something that will improve over time. Thanks for the advice!

Josh-B, i dont usually write out descriptions, i prefer to let the reader gain their own personal perspective on each poem, but of course if you really wanted to know the meaning behind one in particular, feel free to pm me and ask.

Earthshine, the HAHAHA really was a bit hit and miss for me. its not something id usually do, i just thought id experiment with it for empthasis. As for writing things that rhyme, im afraid i might disapoint you, in that i dont often write things with a rhyming scheme. Theres something about it that i feel limits me.
That being said, im glad you liked them anyway, even if they didnt quite match your tastes.

Thanks very much for the support guys!

[TrevorW]

At 1/27/10 07:12 PM, megakill wrote:

Theres something about it that i feel limits me.

As I said its a "dead" tool for poets at this time. Though it can be simply brilliant if used right. I would never abandon it, but I agree...it does limit the writer in some aspects. I sure prefer free verse.

[megakill]

This day marks a trecherous event for me, and my family.
This is dedicated to the loving memory of my cousin, who was taken from us two years ago this night.

Dearest Cousin

Dearest cousin,
No mere lines upon the page shall resurrect your spirit.
The rope we wove was unconditionally short,
soon the end did fray,
soon it grew thin.

Such admirably reckless abandon flowed so freely.
Desired by all that would stand in your way, glowing in jealousy.
My pen now traces your veins, which run so dry.
The miraculous pump, the mighty beat, the timeless flow,
has ceased.

Inanimate gears stripped you of the thing they craved,
snatched the warmth of your smile
raped us of your love.

No fleeting second of peace shall go unpunished,
on this day of such torment and genocide.
This night is no more, it belongs only to you,
for this day, I give you my spirit,
so you may use it to grace us with your presence once more.

Dearest cousin,
I grieve.
I cry.
I bleed.
I love you.

[TrevorW]

soon the end did fray,

The "did" is out of place and grammatical wrong. Other than that it was a very nice read. Very heart felt. :)

[megakill]

Please, take me back...

FUCKING DIE!!!!!

I count seconds, hours fucking days!!
My fingers shred in absolute desire
Your skin reflects my hopes, my plight.

I suck on my veins to present you with gifts of crimson passion.
Each drop traveling lips, chin, neck.

YOU FUCKING SLUT!

I hope you desire, crave, rape my eternal innocence!
Take my poison, suck it dry, suck me dry.
We'll screech together into the night
Orgasm together, tearing at flesh
Indulging in delight.

I want you blood,
I need your blood,
Bleed my little puppet whore,
Bleed for your fucking master!!
Bleed you fucking slut!!!
FUCKING BLEED!!!!!!

Dance for me bitch!
Cry out your joy, scream your torment!
The next fix will push me
Further...deeper...
Your cunt will be the cradle
of a spawn most terrifying.

Die, just fucking die...

[TrevorW]

I just laughed so hard.
That's all I'm going to say about that.

[megakill]

At 1/28/10 10:28 PM, TrevorW wrote: I just laughed so hard.
That's all I'm going to say about that.

well, i just hope you enjoyed and understood it lol.

[TrevorW]

At 1/28/10 10:32 PM, megakill wrote:

At 1/28/10 10:28 PM, TrevorW wrote: I just laughed so hard.
That's all I'm going to say about that.

well, i just hope you enjoyed and understood it lol.

I thought it was pretty darn good. For a poem of pure profanity it has some significant meaning. Shows the struggle of keeping your head on after great loss, but also the hate that builds up. And it also displays this through the sexual tension that men feel for a lost female lover. Could even be the person's mom and then it goes deeper.

This can be expanded nicely.

[Shy2AuthentikMusic]

At 1/27/10 06:51 PM, megakill wrote: My Mind's Prison

As my brittle nails break away against the walls of my prison
manic laughter rings true
HAHAHA

Impact
my glistening palms strike the splintering barriers
feet slapping against stone
manic laughter rings true
HAHAHA

sweet splinters swipe my fingertips
causing them to cry
I collapse in the corner
my corpse convulsing
manic laughter rings true
HAHAHA

I reach out to snatch these strings
they are carried away in the wind
but the jerking wont cease
I fold like paper, hands still raining and yet
my lips curl to a smile
manic laughter rings true
HAHAHA

I cant stop laughing

Wow man, I have had this concept in my head for a couple weeks now. However, I have not been able to put it in words. You did a very good job. The "HAHAHA" was a HIT for me. I get exactly what it means and the concept behind your work. To me, this work reigns flawless. I am sure to check in on your work at least once a day. I applaud you.

[megakill]

At 1/28/10 10:47 PM, Shy2AuthentikMusic wrote: Wow man, I have had this concept in my head for a couple weeks now. However, I have not been able to put it in words. You did a very good job. The "HAHAHA" was a HIT for me. I get exactly what it means and the concept behind your work. To me, this work reigns flawless. I am sure to check in on your work at least once a day. I applaud you.

Thank you very much!

I appriciate every word, truly!
That poem was a bit of an experiment for me; the "HAHAHA" part was not in vien with my usual style, but im very glad yuo liked it.

Any advice you offer is always welcome.
I look forward to seeing your work also, and being able to aid each other!

[TrevorW]

I added you to my list of up and coming writers!
Keep that pen flowing!

[megakill]

At 1/30/10 09:16 PM, TrevorW wrote: I added you to my list of up and coming writers!
Keep that pen flowing!

ah thank you very much my friend! I dearly appriciate it!

[TrevorW]

At 1/30/10 11:26 PM, megakill wrote:

At 1/30/10 09:16 PM, TrevorW wrote: I added you to my list of up and coming writers!
Keep that pen flowing!

ah thank you very much my friend! I dearly appriciate it!

Yep :) And be sure to click the The best of the lit portal link in my sig to see your name and others!

[TrevorW]

At 1/27/10 06:51 PM, megakill wrote:

I cant stop laughing

So this is how the women died that my character loved and has sex with. Neat.
I like this. But one small tip. For the "HAHAHA": do you laugh with exactly 3 Ha's? I don't. Try 4?

Good job. Cheers

[megakill]

Twisting the knife

Crystals pepper the ceiling in my realm of solitude,
catching the light and distorting it into a ballet of bitterness.
Melding dreams and fusing ideas, like the moonlight dancing across a frozen lake.

Your vibrations silence my own, pushing the blade deeper.
Bending it. Twisting it.
With each syllable you spit I inhale more bile,
longing for numbing asphyxiation.

What was once so pure
has become tainted and filthy
plunged unholy fathoms
and in turn it shall end me.

Sleep now my diseased angel,
I shall feed upon the sorrow and despair for the both of us,
my darkened addiction will keep your dimension ever so immaculate,
so that you needn't endure man's malice.

But your dreams shall be haunting,
as you become more aware
that my retribution
is coming.

With each beat of the drum let your cranium crack
let the sweat run down cheeks as you lie on your back
and as dust turns to stone you shall see what you lack
is the taste of my mind as you cough and you hack.

i experimented a bit with pace with this piece. Some may like it, some may not, but as always, all thoughts and criticisms are welcome. It can only help me to develop and get better after all.

[TrevorW]

I don't know that you need that last stanza. It was so closed with the one previous and the shape really added to that. Consider removing it?

[megakill]

At 1/31/10 10:47 PM, TrevorW wrote: I don't know that you need that last stanza. It was so closed with the one previous and the shape really added to that. Consider removing it?

GAH! i had a major internal conflict about that stanza! It really annoyed me because i love the way it flows but it sort of subtracted from the layout and structure as you said.
theres no point in re-posting the poem with the last stanza removed, but i think if i ever post it or use it anywhere else, ill probably leave the last stanza out.

Thanks for picking up on that though, i was hoping someone would say something, and i wasnt just being to critical of myself.

[TrevorW]

The hardest thing: knowing when to stop!

Not a problem, cheers.

[Shy2AuthentikMusic]

At 1/31/10 07:17 PM, megakill wrote: Twisting the knife

Crystals pepper the ceiling in my realm of solitude,
catching the light and distorting it into a ballet of bitterness.
Melding dreams and fusing ideas, like the moonlight dancing across a frozen lake.

Your vibrations silence my own, pushing the blade deeper.
Bending it. Twisting it.
With each syllable you spit I inhale more bile,
longing for numbing asphyxiation.

What was once so pure
has become tainted and filthy
plunged unholy fathoms
and in turn it shall end me.

Sleep now my diseased angel,
I shall feed upon the sorrow and despair for the both of us,
my darkened addiction will keep your dimension ever so immaculate,
so that you needn't endure man's malice.

But your dreams shall be haunting,
as you become more aware
that my retribution
is coming.

Seeing that you agree on leaving out the last stanza, I will omit the criticism that you are aware of. ----

Great man. Just great. I felt every word and you did excellent on delivering your message. The start grasped my attention and you progressed into the direct, harsh feel that you experience. Then led to the end with a perfect finish. I really see no flaws. Keep it up.

[megakill]

Hey guys, just wanted to say thanks for all the support and feedback!
Ill make sure i throw something new your way soon. Just need to get inspired and try to cut up my busy routine lol.

[TrevorW]

At 2/1/10 12:47 PM, megakill wrote: Hey guys, just wanted to say thanks for all the support and feedback!
Ill make sure i throw something new your way soon. Just need to get inspired and try to cut up my busy routine lol.

Get a pad of paper and carry it in your pocket. Even if you can't write a full poem you can still write down cool lines you think of (and ideas)!

Good luck and do find time!

Cheers

[megakill]

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For sale: One heart

It is in horrible condition, having shattered five months ago.
No amount of time may mend it, and tape wont work.

Will accept anything for it.
Please...

Somebody stab out this magnificent organ from my chest
and let this eternal torment end.
Finish my life, so I may live.

If interested, I will be waiting in the bus stop, on Six Hills Way,
Where it all began.

This was inspired by something I saw recently, not my greatest work, just a bit of a scribble I thought I would share.