I had a conversation with the devil

[weirdoo]

It was midnight eves, i was in bed trying to get some sleep
But i couldn't, for i felt like something is watching me
It doesn't feel like it is standing outside or in my closet
I felt like the "thing" that is watching me is right above me.

Slowly but surely "it" showed itself to me
When "it" showed itself to me physcially
It is pure white, shattered wings and broken
It has horns as well, it looks like an angel who lost a battle
But the strangest part about this defeated angel, is his eyes
they look sad.

I asked it "who are you" and with a emotionless voice it replied
"I'm Lucifer, the one you call me the Devil"
It fear i slowly leaned back at the corner of my bed
But my cursed curiousity could not let go of one question in which i asked "why are you here?"
The devil replied back "I cannot tell you"
That's all he said but i had to know more, so i asked him "Why are you sad?"
It was then he had this piercing look, as he was staring at my soul
For a moment there i thought he was gonna kill me but his eyes said something differently
He did reply to my question, he replied:
"I'm sad because... i did something i shouldn't have, i was the most beautiful and respected angel beside God and i was proud, but... The other angels slowly corrupted me and then i did the most heinous act across the entire Creation, metaphorically, i stabbed my own Creator, my only Father in the back! It was only thousand years later i realised i would've never won, for he is All Good, All Knowing and All Power. this is why i'm sad, i'm sad because i was dumb"

At the end of that, he disappeared.
Now i have something to tell my future grandchildren
I had a conversation with the devil.
---------------------------

If you have any critism, please do write them down! if you spot any grammer error, could you please tell me which those are and what the correct grammer is? thank you!

[deathofghosts]

entertaining and a little funny

i love the description of the devil

[VhsTapeclock]

Yeah. Grammatically, it's written a little like a poem, but the lines are too long and so should be either combined or punctuated. Other than that, well written. NIce job.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

Well, in terms of grammar, you keep changing tenses, going between past and present. For example, in the second line, you said "I felt like something is watching me." It would either be "I felt like something was watching me" or "I feel like something is watching me."

The poem style seems awkward to me because it doesn't seem to have much structure in the way that a normal poem would. It feels as though it's just a normal story that you broke up into lines and stanzas. If you want to do in a poem style, I suggest editing to create more rhythm in the phrasing.

I like the concept. I think it would be a neat addition if you put in a little more detail about how the devil appeared to you. Your narrative seems to be portraying the devil as feeling very guilty and regretful, so it would be cool if it described the devil as crawling (or whatever) to you in a very penitent fashion. You don't have to; it's just a thought.

At 1/27/10 03:25 PM, weirdoo wrote: It was midnight eves, i was in bed trying to get some sleep

Should be, "It was midnight eve"

But i couldn't, for i felt like something is watching me
It doesn't feel like it is standing outside or in my closet

A bit of awkward phrasing here. Possibly "It feels like it's standing neither inside nor outside of my closet"? Or something like that.

I felt like the "thing" that is watching me is right above me.

This sentence sounds a bit repetitive because of the repetition of "me."

Slowly but surely "it" showed itself to me

I don't know if you need to put "it" in quotes here or in the next line.

When "it" showed itself to me physcially

"Physically" is spelled wrong, but I'm assuming that's just a typo.

"Showed itself to me physically" is awkward phrasing. Consider something like "When it showed its physical self to me."

It is pure white, shattered wings and broken

Did you mean "with shattered wings"? You're missing a verb here.
If you did, I suggest rearranging your sentence to say "It is pure white and broken with shattered wings," "It is pure white with broken (you could use and here if you want), shattered wings" or something of the like.

It has horns as well, it looks like an angel who lost a battle

You should use a semicolon here between "well" and "it." Those are two separate sentences.

But the strangest part about this defeated angel, is his eyes
they look sad.

I like the way you phrased this part.

I asked it "who are you" and with a emotionless voice it replied

You know a comma after "I asked it"

"I'm Lucifer, the one you call me the Devil"
It fear i slowly leaned back at the corner of my bed

Did in mean "In fear"?

But my cursed curiousity could not let go of one question in which i asked "why are you here?"

You need a comma after "I asked"

"Curiosity" is spelled wrong

The devil replied back "I cannot tell you"

You need a comma after "replied back"

That's all he said but i had to know more, so i asked him "Why are you sad?"

You need a comma after "I asked him"

It was then he had this piercing look, as he was staring at my soul
For a moment there i thought he was gonna kill me but his eyes said something differently
He did reply to my question, he replied:

You should have either a semicolon or a period after "question."

"I'm sad because... i did something i shouldn't have, i was the most beautiful and respected angel beside God and i was proud, but... The other angels slowly corrupted me and then i did the most heinous act across the entire Creation, metaphorically, i stabbed my own Creator, my only Father in the back! It was only thousand years later i realised i would've never won, for he is All Good, All Knowing and All Power. this is why i'm sad, i'm sad because i was dumb"

You should have a period or a semicolon after "across the entire creation." Otherwise, it's a run-on sentence.
You should have a comma after "my only Father"
"It was only thousand years later" should be "It was only a thousand years later," but that may just be a typo.
"Realized" is spelled wrong

At the end of that, he disappeared.
Now i have something to tell my future grandchildren
I had a conversation with the devil.
---------------------------

If you have any critism, please do write them down! if you spot any grammer error, could you please tell me which those are and what the correct grammer is? thank you!

I'm pretty picky about grammar, so all the comments may make it look a lot worse than it is. It's really pretty good. It's not fantastic, but it's definitely a good start. Like one of the people above me said, the description of the devil is very creative.

[con7822]

I loved it start to finish liked the ending even tho there was no meaning for the devil to be there you made some in a weird way keep up the work

[InsertFunnyUserName]

At 1/27/10 04:44 PM, InsertFunnyUserName wrote: You know a comma after "I asked it"

I meant to say, "You need*", sorry

[Kajenx]

The writing somewhat set a mood, but it also felt like a cliched preachy church sermon had sex with a bad anime and popped out a mutant love-child. I'm not totally opposed to moralizing messages, but there was nothing here to cut the sour acid of vapid sentimentality.

Still, for what it was, I enjoyed the imagery.

[TrevorW]

As previously stated the structure is not poetic. While I like the message, I feel that what you are trying to say gets lost in the ambiguity of overly written lines. Less is more at times and at others more is less -- learn to decide when that is.

You should practice flow. You have the grammar and the ideas, now poetically structure them.

Also I would avoid clunky speaking parts. While they do provide the meaning that you wanted, you can shorten and stretch them into a poetic form. You placed a paragraph into a poem: it did not work.

Cheers.

[weirdoo]

Thanks alot, all of you :D i'll do some more work on it and correct the errors ;D