Heaven is Below

[megakill]

hold your tongue, lest He takes it back
your Father is false, your Mother, his Shadow.
He favours His children according to creation
you are the spawn of balance
so others may thrive
you must fall

We are not born equally.

Allow Me to introduce Myself
I'm the demon you pretend not to see when you peer in the mirror
the reflection of your puppet master
in my hand are your eyes, crying out ignorance
your smile, moulded from My own fangs.

oh how you plea.
.
.
.
How Sweet

you will burn like the Phoenix
I'll induce the blaze
such an orgasmic Shriek
you'll thank Me.

If anybody wants to offer their opinion or advice, I'd really appriciate it. All the punctuation and layout is intended by the way, im not that bad with grammar.

[snpurerandomness]

different
it sounds ok but i dont see where its going or where its coming from this seems like an intro for a book but it seems that there is something missing icant quite place it though

[megakill]

At 1/27/10 02:09 PM, snpurerandomness wrote: different
it sounds ok but i dont see where its going or where its coming from this seems like an intro for a book but it seems that there is something missing icant quite place it though

Hmm, ive got this a few times, i guess i should include a description that explains whats really going on, but i dont like giving too much away. Part of the reason i love poetry, is that i can make it personal to me, and when im reading it, i can form my own idea of what its supposed to be about. I like to think other people can do that from my work too.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

Overall, it's pretty good. You might want to consider making the poem longer by adding in more details about what actions the demon could or will take, but you don't have to.

At 1/27/10 12:24 PM, megakill wrote: hold your tongue, lest He takes it back
your Father is false, your Mother, his Shadow.
He favours His children according to creation
you are the spawn of balance
so others may thrive
you must fall

We are not born equally.

I like the phrasing. It's one of those awkward-for-a-purpose poems that tend to either be unique or terrible (and not often in between). And you did it alright, albeit there's still room to improve.

Allow Me to introduce Myself
I'm the demon you pretend not to see when you peer in the mirror
the reflection of your puppet master
in my hand are your eyes, crying out ignorance
your smile, moulded from My own fangs.

I hate to be that guy, but this stanza feels a bit cliche to me. It also seems to deviate from the message of the last stanza and the stanzas after. Consider going more of a "I will possess you" rout rather than a "I am your dark side" rout, though that's just a suggestion. The reason I suggest that direction is that it would tie in with your ending line "you'll thank me." I don't know, it's not that big of a deal, just something to think about.

oh how you plea.
.
.
.
How Sweet

I like the way you broke that up with the spacing.