Doll

[Galneda]

It's a little song I wrote...kind of shy to share it with anyone where I live because of the bible-belt, but here it goes. Hit me with constructive criticism, and hum your own tune to it.

"Man is the author of confusion.
Convey your thoughts,
Establish what's illusion.
If you look for it, you'll find it.
So nobodies wrong.
But nobody is right.
Destitution.
Our Holy evolution.
I'll protect your faith.
But get it out of my face.

Hear me out God!
Was logic your design
To test our loyalty?
Are you there at all?
Or are you from man?
A concept of balance?
Can you hear me?
Am I talking to a doll?

I'd understand,
I can empathize.
An eternal creator
Incomparable in size-
Would bide to choose,
Fortifying silence.
Doesn't mean he don't exist,
But will you take that chance?
I'm not dull!
I can see the light!
But what's the source of it?
Is it worth a fight?
Fanatics and I,
Fail to see eye to eye.
Does that justify,
In a lake of fire I'll die?

Hear me out God!
Was logic your design
To test our loyalty?
Are you there at all?
Or are you from man?
A concept of balance?
Can you hear me?
Am I talking to a doll?

I want
I want
Some Clarity.
(Rather than nothing at all)
But I need
I need
Connectivity.
(Unlike a child to a doll)
I could anthropomorphize
Material earth and skies
Just to allude to grace
Till I'm blue in the face
I understand His role,
He needs to touch my soul,
I need believe it first,
Please help me quench my thirst!

When you shun a kid's imagination,
When lifeless things gain imitation,
The unfortunate child is outnumbered,
And his emulation is now encumbered!
But when you do it to a base religion,
The armies of sheep within the region
Swallow up the opposition
Like a blindfolded cohesion!!!"

Thoughts?

[Earthshine]

I would say work on your chorus. It could be a little better. Maybe add a rhyme scheme and make it longer.

[Galneda]

At 1/27/10 06:20 AM, Aci6 wrote:
I liked how it was written with the lack of any defined stanzas, focusing on smaller rhyming that was just embedded, really helped to push it along...

Thanks! I got huge inspiration from Dream Theater when I wrote this.

...though it didn't have much in terms of flow, you couldn't recite it without some trouble or practice.

That's very true. I stumble with "anthropomorphize" and the following line, "Material earth and skies" every time.

Also, the ending is used TOO often in songs so it felt kind of clichéd in that respect, still; I enjoyed it enough.

lol, I never thought about that. It's one of my favorite parts, so I don't want to ditch it, but you have a point. Thanks very much!

[TrevorW]

Work on your "is" sound. Sometimes the word and the follow "is" has to be combined with a " 's" to make it sound correctly.

[Reptyle]

I liked it quite a bit. The Verse-Chorus-Verse-Chorus-Bridge is perhaps a bit overused, but it was enjoyable nonetheless. It's a shame that you don't feel you can share it with those close to you.

[megakill]

I like how it all seems to be one big question. The religious nature might hit a chord with some people, but many of the questions you ask can be applied to lots of different authorities, so it can be related to many different aspects of society, not only religion.

It's kind of tricky to pick out a particular rhythm to it, and we're all going to "hear" it in a different way, but i like the lack of structure to each stanza; it lets me think that the song would progress quite smoothly.

Good work man, this one really interested me.

I also think the strength of the lyrics lie in what could be a variety of ideologies like megakill says, but I can pick out your own motivations and why you might'e written it at the same time. Because of this, it's quite positive that you don't hold many of your questions back, but rather put them all at the front. The assumptions I've made about you give the wording and your choices far more strength than otherwise, so good one on that one.

I agree with Earthshine that you might want to experiment a bit with the chorus, as seeing as that's where the natural summation of the content will be. While rhetorical questions are quite clearly very relevant your song's message, I think in what your chorus is as of right now, you might end up suffocating the listener in some way. I think it can be altered - one of the lines could be unpacked a little in the process.

The pacing is there, definitely. I'm not sure what you were going for in some cases though, since some words seem a little out-of-place in regards to this. This partly comes from the lack of structure as others have noted. It does work reasonably well when the song is using the lyrics at a rather loud hypothetical volume like you do here, but I don't know, what rhythm did you have in mind overall? I think the ending can be condensed a little - the lines seem to run a little too long for the pace to be kept decently. You could take the uses is 'is' there, I think, as a starter. How did you see the ending working out in turns of performance?