Poem?

[ElectricPlayground]

Ariel, the recluse

While all the people slap their knees
The recluse just looks at her feet,
Listening to the beat of the music, heads bopping up and down,
The recluse puts her hands to the side and listens with her head hanging to the ground.
Oh she's there, there somewhere in that heavy mind of hers.
Her hands are shaking and sweat drips from her temple; the hair she flattens with an iron is starting to curl.
The recluse is on the run, nobody notices or wonders where.
Because she doesn't have friends who're there,
In fact she has none at all.

When you're born with webbed feet, and a tongue that's tied,
You wouldn't say much either.
Long hair that's different colors, and green eyes that never open quite wide,
It doesn't take long to pass her by.
Take a step back and turn around,
Cause she's there all the time waiting for someone to say "Hi"

I wrote this April20th, 2009. It reminds me of a girl I go to school with...

[Shy2AuthentikMusic]

Good poem. You stayed on track and delivered a deep concept. Good job.

[ElectricPlayground]

Thank you, I'm in the process of doing a charcole drawing on canvas with this poem along the side of it in black paint.

[TrevorW]

The story starts out wonderful, but ends cliche, and the structure needs work in that the flow is off. However, you have a nice little poem here. Keep working and I am sure that you will produce something grand.