The Room - Short Story

[Jay]

Here's a short story that I had written for my Sophomore year. It's a fiction story, slightly based off of Edgar Allen Poe's "Pit and the Pendelum". Of course I had decided to tone it down a bit, and make it more light-hearted. It was made in a rush, like one day if I remember, but it's still pretty good I think.

Although it's not my best work, it was the only one saved on my computer, so...here.

The Room Fedora Manchu

Chuck woke in a daze, he had a headache. He began to stand up, but decided

that it would be best to stay on the floor for the time being. The room was dark,

much too dark to try and walk around inside of it. Only the faintest outlines of what

Chuck could only assume was furniture was visible. "Great, I have no idea where I

am." Compulsively he stuck his hand into his left pocket but was dismayed when

there was nothing in it. He began to sit in a more comfortable position when he

remembered something.

"That smell..." Chuck looked to the room next to him, it was locked. "Oh yes" said

the owner of the Manor, "that is the dining room, the smell is scented candles."

"Dining room?" replied Chuck. "Why is it locked then?" The owner gave him a

questioning look "I won't have all of my rooms unrestricted, is that okay with you Mr.

Anderson?" Chuck was too busy to hear the owner completely, he was checking his

phone. He always has to check it every ten minutes or else he doesn't feel right. He

put it back into his left pocket and answered him. "Oh yes, I understand completely".

"Yes, that is definitely the same smell" Chuck found a wall and slowly stood to his

feet. He felt around in front of him and slowly walked in a straight line. Sure enough

he ran into a round flat object. "Of course, the dinner table" Chuck felt his way

around the table and while holding on to the edge of it worked his way to the end of

the room. Soon he reached another wall with a door, but it was locked. He felt

around the area next to the door and found a light switch. "There we go, finally

something's in my favor!" When the lights came on he immediately knew where he

was, the Dining Room of the Manor.

"Just take this pill" the owner handed Chuck a blue pill "and it'll put you to sleep

right away, no worries you can trust me." Chuck took the pill suspiciously but used it

anyway. "And I'll wake up three hours from now unharmed, right?" The owner

chuckled a bit. "Oh yes, you'll wake up in one of the rooms in this manor, you have

inspected them thoroughly I assume?" "Yes, at least the ones you let me inspect."

replied Chuck. "Don't worry Mr. Anderson, I would never cheat in a game where a

fair amount of money is being bet"

"That liar" thought Chuck as he drifted back from his second flashback. "He put

me in the one room I never had a chance to see." He looked around a easily spotted

a conveniently placed key on the table. "But I might as well play along"

Unfortunately Chuck found out that the door had no shown lock and the key was

useless. "Oh great I'm dealing with a liar and a cheater, I'm going to have to work

hard on this one." Chuck thought back and remembered that there was a ventilation

system that ran through the entire house. It wasn't big, but if he found it he could

definitely fit in it and escape the room.

The owner of the manor sat in a chair in the main room patiently waiting. He

checked his watched and smiled, there was no way that he would escape in time. But

his smirk was soon wiped from his face when Chuck walked in dusting himself off

with his hands. "You've really got to clean your air system, where's my phone?" The

smile on the owner's face reappeared as he spoke, "You're not done yet Mr.

Anderson, you've got ten minutes to mid-night and you still need to leave the

building."

Chuck rushed through the manor breathlessly. The front entrance, which was the

only way out of the manor, was locked. The owner had told him that there was a key

that would unlock it in one of the countless rooms. He soon realized, after much

failed attempts in searching the many rooms, where the key was. It had to be in the

room that he woke up in earlier, the once seemingly worthless key was now his only

way out. He came to the door and found that it must have been locked on both sides.

He thought about the air vent, but he knew that he couldn't crawl back fast enough.

He found a nearby chair and hit it against the doorknob until the lock broke. He

ran into the room and grabbed the key and sped back to the front of the manor. He

estimated that he had maybe a minute to spare. Once he got to the front door, he

used the key and stepped outside, victorious. Chuck smiled, he had won his bet, but

still something just felt wrong. He reached into his left pocket and for the second

time tonight found nothing. "That's right, that loser still has my phone." Chuck

turned and entered the manor again, this time to obtain what was his, and what he

had won.

Comments and criticism encouraged!

[Sekhem]

It wasn't that bad to be honest. Use a thesaurus next time though. Not enough word variety.

The ideas you've had in planning this story are quite interesting. The concepts in play have been set out, and there's a good potential for the different parts of the story to be expanded upon I think. For what I think is a little underwritten at some points, there's still a decent sense of tension once the clock really starts ticking, no matter how light-hearted you planned it on being - compared to Poe, very much, but I think there's some good room for expansion in this area, by slowing down the pace of the story overall. What I think would help the most in this respect is expanding the intro, making it richer so that we're not thrown straight into the situation. To maintain the thoughts you have, perhaps you could leave out the characters for a couple of moments, focusing on the setting and its atmosphere. That, to me, just seems a little lacking so far.

I agree with what Sekhem said, though I think if you expand on a couple of areas you'll inevitably have to vary your word choices a little more. Anyway, an interesting concept definitely - you pulled me in. I'd like to see some expansion possibly now?