Quick Short story I wrote

[letmebeyourdildo]

Hey, I need some constructive criticism . I've been told I am a pretty good at writing. I myself, don't know for sure, I don't like reading as much as I like writing, but reading probably would make my writing better. I can write just about anything, which is where all this sort of comes into play. I felt like writing earlier and asked my friend for a topic, she told me "a nerdy girl in love with a jock who doesn't know she exists, but her best friend who is a guy loves the nerd girl, but is too shy to tell her." Or something like that. Anyways, I wrote this but once I read over it, I felt like I described the characters too much. Yes this isn't finished, no it has not been corrected for fragments nor has it been corrected for every typo. This is more of a rough draft. So please give me constructive criticism and not just insults on how bad I suck. I won't be here to check them at the moment, but I will come back. I thank those who help now in case I do not see them sooner. Here is the story:

It was about three o'clock in the evening, about 20 minutes before Sandy left school, got on the bus, and went home just to start it again the next day. Sandy was an average looking girl, if anything kind of on the dorky side. She wasn't very social either, kept to herself a lot and from the looks of it enjoyed the isolation sometimes. The few friends she had formed the barrier she needed whenever she felt down, or needed to talk, but one of her friends stood out among the rest. Though she paid him little attention and only thought of him as a friend, but you could tell from his actions that he thought of her highly. He was there for her more than her other friends, and he talked to her every chance he got. He himself was no prize, not a strong guy nor ugly, he is rather skinny and pale complexioned. He was also on the dorky side himself, he is also socially awkward around too many people. His only closest friend was Sandy, whom he had been friends with since at least third grade. He himself was in the same last period class with Sandy, which since they talked too much were split up, but that never stopped Robert from staring. Robert is his name. Sandy herself paid little attention to him, she had another on her mind. The one on her mind wasn't Robert, but the captain of the football team, Jack. He wasn't a fully bad person, just rude and inconsiderate, and had little disregard for peoples feelings when he shoved people into lockers, or any other bully-like acts. Jack was also very full of himself. He looked in the mirror almost every time he passed one, just to make sure not a hair was out of place in his perfectly gelled hair, or he didn't have a zit on his hallowed skin. He was definitely a leader, not one to follow orders from his parents, nor his teachers, and he rarely received punishment for his doings since he was the "star" player on the school football team, and god forbid he miss a single game and the world come crashing down.
Sandy wrote his name constantly on her sketchbook, she was in love with this self-centered jerk, whom didn't even know she existed unless he bumped into her and said "Watch where your going!" Robert knew he had no chance with Sandy as long as she was obsessed with this guy. He waited out his final moments in his last class in misery. Sandy however, gets to see Jack for a split second making her day worthwhile. It is this moment she looks forward to each day.

That's all I have for now.

[TrevorW]

I will speak on behalf of the Newgrounds when I say that you need to break that up a bit. Trust me, no one wants to read such a huge wall of text. Why? Because the brain needs a rest here and there to properly concentrate and understand text.

[BlakeMo]

TrevorW is right. Wall of text is a no no

[letmebeyourdildo]

At 1/26/10 10:56 PM, TrevorW wrote: I will speak on behalf of the Newgrounds when I say that you need to break that up a bit. Trust me, no one wants to read such a huge wall of text. Why? Because the brain needs a rest here and there to properly concentrate and understand text.

Okay, thank you very much for this, do you mind also telling me how I can do this?
If need be I will start over and perhaps look at how to break it up. I may just start over anyways because I don't like such a cliche topic.

[letmebeyourdildo]

I have to go for now, but again, I will check this whenever I get the chance.

[TrevorW]

Ok, so your question made me read it.
You can break this up, find it.
Anyways, you have many run-on sentences. Fix this. I know you probably like the long sentences of the greats, but your not read for that -- they were greats for a reason. The plot is mildly cliche, but I feel that it can be expanded into something greater. Keep working and post what you come to here, I will read it!

[Josh-B]

Yeah, first thing is the wall of text thing. Also, all this exposition can be split up among an entire chapter rather than just one page. Like, intersperse the backround information with events that the characters are currently going through. For instance, Robert could be getting off the bus and walking down the hall and at his locker when he sees Jack, which would prompt telling backround information about Jack and Sandy.
So don't give all the information at once, just break it up into little pieces and integrate it into the story.

[letmebeyourdildo]

At 1/26/10 11:23 PM, TrevorW wrote: Ok, so your question made me read it.
You can break this up, find it.
Anyways, you have many run-on sentences. Fix this. I know you probably like the long sentences of the greats, but your not read for that -- they were greats for a reason. The plot is mildly cliche, but I feel that it can be expanded into something greater. Keep working and post what you come to here, I will read it!

Okay, thank you!
I'll look through it, I wrote this in like ten to twenty minutes and didn't really look over it too much.

Thank you as well Josh-B, I'll be sure to break it down and work on my order of event.

[megakill]

Well, firstly let me start by saying well done. It's the start of a nice traditional love story, and who doesnt enjoy a good romance every now and again?
I just noticed a few things that you maybe want to watch out for, or could try to improve upon:

Frist, you should seriously consider paragraphing your work. I saw people mention this before, but i figured i would stress the point, because it is important. Any time you move onto a new idea or "topic", thats usually a good place to start a new paragraph.

You said you worry about being too descrpitive, when infact, i dont feel it was descriptive enough. I feel like you've crammed the three key characters into the same bit, and dont give us the chance to find something to really identify with and make them our own. Afterall, the whole first chapter of "Of Mice and Men" is one long description. Dont be afraid to really develop your characters and let them shine.

I noticed you started a sentence with "He is also..." and then just after a comma, carried on with "...also he..." Its good to try and extend and develop complex sentences, but if you use the same phrase too often, or within close proximity of itself, its gets a bit dry. If you feel like you've exhausted your vocabulary sometimes, or are just looking for a particular word, remember you can always refer to a thesaurus. They really are great tools to aid your writting.

Lastly, i found that you needed to watch your punctuation. I dont mean to sound like a grammar nazi, because Lord knows mine isn't perfect, and you even said yourself that this was a rough draft, but it really does help to make your writting flow more smoothly.

Anyway, i hope this helps, im looking forward to seeing you continue with this! Keep it up!