some interesting shorts'

[draco889]

now both these stories are inspired by my orchestra, so if you dont understand why its called "violaland" or what resin is, dont worry about it. if you play a string instrument, then good fr you.

......As The girl lay in the pure white room, she attempted to recount details of her death to the doctor. It was late after a tiring concert, and she was exited to try a new brand of extract. "70% more pure!" she thought to herself with a nervous energy as she entered the small bathroom. A few minutes later, she was slipping a needle into her arm. The young girl could feel the powerful hallucinogen lazily make its way to her brain, giving butterflies in her stomach and turning the normally beige bathroom walls into shifting masses of color. All of the sudden, an unexpected, yet delicious numbness griped her arms and legs. "Probably because of the pureness" she thought and pondered on what pleasantries she would feel next. Pain. Liquid fire seemed to screech through her veins, inflaming every nerve in her feeble body. The girl tried to scream but her mouth caught it and forced it back down her throat, gagging her. She gasped for air as her airways contracted. Jet black hair withered and died, falling past her now blue lips. Collapsing to the dirty floor she heard the shifting masses of color say "times up". Through pupils the size of dimes the writhing mass that was once a person saw the world implode into her. Then nothing........

......The bright joyful sun shines on the utopian society of violaland. A righteous, uncorrupt constitutional monarchy presides over a mass of orderly, hard-working citizens. Not a person place or thing is out of place in the seemingly perfect land. But all is not as it seems. As soon as the bright joyful sun dips below the distant horizon, utopia is reborn as a sinful society of deviants, threatening to overwhelm the very cities they were born and raised in. In the blink of an eye, the orderly, hard-working citizens remember their true savage, barbaric nature, and embrace it like a long lost relative. Bakeries morph into brothels, schools into nightclubs, and the streets into a mass of blood and chaos. Riots erupt as resin dealers strike deals within plain view of guards. And why should they be afraid? The guards are their biggest customers, longing to escape the imprisoning order of daylight. The government that used to be so uncorrupt and righteous shows its true face as a lead mafia, reaching out with its influence as if stretching after a long sleep. They do not stretch long however, as they hurriedly tend to the newly awoken factories, manufacturing drugs and weapons as the plants spew toxic gas into the noisy night air. The once beautiful and neat royal palace turns into an arena, where violaland's rich bet on makeshift gladiators, fighting to the death for their next fix of resin. And so, the cruel, liberating night passes by until dawn appears in the distance, lifting the blanket of darkness. Finally, the blood and chaos are expunged from the streets and the orderly, hard-working citizens return to their lives as if the night were just a dream, as the bright joyful sun once again shines on the utopian society of violaland..........

[draco889]

At 1/26/10 09:53 PM, draco889 wrote: now both these stories are inspired by my orchestra, so if you dont understand why its called "violaland" or what resin is, dont worry about it. if you play a string instrument, then good fr you.

now i just realized that both stories are walls of text. sorry about that

[biohasard]

At 1/26/10 09:53 PM, draco889 wrote: As The girl lay in the pure white room, she attempted to recount details of her death to the doctor. It was late after a tiring concert, and she was exited to try a new brand of extract. "70% more pure!" she thought to herself with a nervous energy as she entered the small bathroom. A few minutes later, she was slipping a needle into her arm. The young girl could feel the powerful hallucinogen lazily make its way to her brain, giving butterflies in her stomach and turning the normally beige bathroom walls into shifting masses of color. All of the sudden, an unexpected, yet delicious numbness griped her arms and legs. "Probably because of the pureness" she thought and pondered on what pleasantries she would feel next. Pain. Liquid fire seemed to screech through her veins, inflaming every nerve in her feeble body. The girl tried to scream but her mouth caught it and forced it back down her throat, gagging her. She gasped for air as her airways contracted. Jet black hair withered and died, falling past her now blue lips. Collapsing to the dirty floor she heard the shifting masses of color say "times up". Through pupils the size of dimes the writhing mass that was once a person saw the world implode into her. Then nothing........

I liked it, However, I think you need to put a little more thought into your writing. Your writing method is fantastic, But you need to put more thought into your message. I really didn't like how you put more thought into detail, Rather than adding a plot line.

My real advice to you, Is to focus more on what you are trying to say, And less on the imagery. People who write shit like this are generally giant jackasses who mimic other's work.

[Josh-B]

Mmm, I liked them. They were more like poems rather than stories, especially the first one with its imagery. Keep on writing! :)

[ElectricPlayground]

I enjoyed reading the first one but you should focus on the plot more, as mentioned in comments above.
The seond one the reminds me of Brave New World by Aldous Huxely for some strage reason, very discriptive for both. I like the details.
Don't stop writing.

[draco889]

I liked it, However, I think you need to put a little more thought into your writing. Your writing method is fantastic, But you need to put more thought into your message. I really didn't like how you put more thought into detail, Rather than adding a plot line.

My real advice to you, Is to focus more on what you are trying to say, And less on the imagery. People who write shit like this are generally giant jackasses who mimic other's work.

Thank you for the advice :D. you see, the stories themselves are just slight backgrounds. The first into the affects of resin (as a drug) and the second as the actual world the first takes place in. I havnt gotten the exact storyline down yet, but as soon as i do ill write and post more :)