Shyguyz Script Ep.1 - Critique

[ikool]

This was the script to an old flash (almost 1 year old) that I am planning to revive.

I stopped after I thought that my script was just really bad, but that might be just me...

It's a good thing that the writing forums showed up. :)

FG: Froguy, KG: Kaiguy, RB: Rob-omb, SG1 + 2: Spares, TG: Thatguy.
Not much to the characters other than that they are enemies from the Mushroom Kingdom. Inspired by "Bowser's Kingdom". Sorry if it's really long...

Shyguyz Script Ep.1

Starts off in Froguy's house
*Shyguy mask hanging on wall then grabbed by small hand*
*Goes to Froguy - NEWCOMER: FROGUY*
NO TALKS
*Runs through house to door*

Two shyguys standing in middle of field
*Both Shyguys make shyguy noises, then Froguy comes in*
FG: What the hell is wrong with you guys?
SG1: Bowser told us that we have to talk like this from now on.
SG2: Yea... we don't wanna get in trouble...
FG: But Bowser's not here... Nobody's here...for miles... See?
*Zooms out bit by bit during ^*
KG: Lies.
FG: How... Here... You... WHAT?
KG: Sup.
FG: *Still confused* Nevermind...
KG: Whatcha talking about?
FG: Bowser.
SG1: Yea... He's scary.
SG2: And mean.
KG: Ya rly... Why do we even work for the guy?
FG: Cuz it's the only jobs we can get...
KG: Yea... that's right...
SG1: Remember the last jobs we had?
*Goes to flashback screen, but cuts because KG punches SG1*
KG: NO, NUUH, NEVER SPEAK OF THAT AGAIN!
FG: Sick of always being on your knees?
KG: You, stfu.
SG2: You guys better stop goofin off, that's breaking Bowser's rules.
FG: Well you know what? Screw Bowser and his stupid rules. I quit.
SG1: I wouldn't do that if I were you...
FG: Why? What would the almighty Bowser do? What does he have that I don't?
SG2: Strength, brains, money, speed...
FG: Nevermind the small details, I'm starting my own evil empire!
KG: You? Evil? Own? Empire? Please...
FG: I could be an evil emperor if I wanted to!
KG: The most evil thing you've ever done is kick a pupp... screw it, im in.
SG1: Rebelling against Bowser?
SG2: We're telling! *Run off to Bowser's castle*
FG: When my evil reign begins, those 2 are the first to die.
KG: Agreed, but one question.
FG: And that would be?
KG: How are we going to take over the whole Mushroom Kingdom with 2 people?
FG: SHIT, good question...
KG: I know some people who might wanna join.
FG: Fine, get them, and meet up at my place in an hour.
*Text "One hour later..."
*In FG's house* KG walks in

KG: K, I b back.
FG: Great... where are the new recruits?
KG: Right... *goes off screen and fumbles around stuff*
*FG just waits. KG comes back holding a bob-omb*
KG: Here!
FG: AHH! *hides*
KG: Say hello to the rob-omb.
FG: >.>?
RB: I was told there was donuts...?
FG: Well there aren't any, wait just a sec.
*RB walks off*
FG: WHAT THE HELL MAN?
KG: What? You wanted recruits, I brought em.
FG: First of all, it's 1 recruit. Second... it's a bob-omb...
KG: What's wrong with bob-ombs?
FG: NOTHING. I was just expecting something more... square... and masked...
KG: Well too bad.
FG: Fine he's in.
KG: Hey, Rob-omb, your in.
RB: SWEET *explodes*
KG and FG: o_o
FG: Our recruit just died.
KG: No, just watch.
RB shows up from behind
RB: Watch what?
FG: Wha... how... where... dead... zombie?
RB: Explosion? I do that sometimes.
KG: Really, I thought it was more like suicide.
RB: No.
FG: Well, that's 3. Our evil empire is growing.
RB: And what is said evil called?
FG: WE WILL BE THE SHYGUYZ!
RB: But what abou...
FG: Quiet, with 3 people, nothing can stop us...
KG: Bowser has like 40,000 troops, what the hell is wrong with you?
*ThatGuy (TG) walks in and trips*
TG: I HERD THERE WAS DONUTS?
FG: No, your hired.
TG: o.o?
KG: That was... yea...
FG: Whatever, we gots more pplz. NOW, we must find weaponry.
RB: What the hell? Do we even have weapons in the Mushroom Kingdom?
FG: You'd be surprised to where all these pipes lead... Anyways, like they say, a good offence is a good offence.
TG: Isn't it the other wa...*cuts*
FG: No. No, it isn't. *smiles*

*Fades out*
*Fades in at a warp pipe* *Evry1 walks in, TG trips*

KG: Dude, do you always fall?
TG: NO! >.<
FG: Shut ups nubs. We've got a warp pipe to go down.
RB: Ok guys, lets *explodes*
Everyone: O_O
KG: Well... he'll meet us down there anyways.
FG: K, LETS-A-GO.
*cricket noises *
FG: Just get in.

*Everyone goes into the pipe*
*Background = underground of yoshi's island*
*All shyguys get out easily, except for TG which falls on face*

FG: Ok, everyone split up and look for an armoury.
KG: There's one.
RB: The one with the blatantly obvious sign on it.
*Scrolls to the door with sign that says "NOT ILLEGAL ARMOURY"*
FG: Oh.
TG: Let's go.

*All walk to armory, Rob-omb explodes*
*In armory*

SG: What are ye buyin?
KG: Dude, no, there's too many jokes about that.
SG: Oh... sorry %uF04C But seriously, what are ya looking for?
FG: We need weapons.
SG: NO RLY?
FG: Shut up, we need stuff to use to take over Bowser's castle.
SG: Seriously? Well... Here's what I got.

*Does weird TV ad like sales montage*

KG: Was that a watering can?
SG: Yes, weapons aren't easy to find nowadays.
TG: WE'LL TAKE EM.
SG: SOLD.

*Fades out* *Fades in on a field* *Everyone has their weapons*

FG: Sweet, with these weapons, we shall conquer Bowser, THEN THE WORLD!!!
TG: With a watering can?
FG: Yea... we can do that right?
RB: Meh.
FG: Alright then
*credits roll*

EDN

[ikool]

Bump

Sorry if it is too long...

[ikool]

Last bump?

[Kajenx]

Hey,

It was kinda funny, the characters seem to have definite personalities. It IS pretty long, though, for a flash. It sounds like a lot of work. So if you plan to make it into a flash you should clean it up a bit and maybe remove some of the stuff you don't really need in there to advance the story (right now it feels like you're setting up for a much longer plotline).

You could keep writing it like a parody in play format, but if you do, add a space between each person speaking, put actions on separate lines in parentheses, and type out the full names in bold. It'd be easy enough to just do a find/replace in a word processor to make it look nice, and I think people are more likely to read it if it isn't a wall of text.

[ikool]

At 1/28/10 08:35 PM, Kajenx wrote: Hey

Thanks for the input, it was just what I was looking for. I already have 3 minutes of animation done for this, so the rest of the animation won't take too long. It's not a bad script, but I was doubting myself on its quality.