The Blind Man

[squidly]

I just wrote this as I went on, I think it came out pretty good, but that's authors bias right there, so tell me your oppinions....

----------------------------------------
-----------------------------------

The blind man said that he knew how I looked.

The blind man said that he knew how I acted.

The blind man said that he knew how I worked.

The blind man wasn't blind, he just didn't want to see himself in the mirror, so he closed his eyes and said he was blind.

The blind man walked with a cane, and he had a dog to walk him around, he frequently lost his way and turned right when he should've turned left.

And people thought he was blind, and so he was.

The blind man never needed a cane, neither did he need a dog, he knew his way, he just didn't know himself.

The blind man isn't anyone's enemy, he isn't anyone's friend, the blind man never did any wrong, but he didn't do any right.

The blind man see's right through appearances, for he forgot them, the blind man doesn't need appearances, for then he wouldn't stand mirrors.

"Hey kid, I know how you are, you're just like me, but I know I am not you, for I am me"

The blind man was wise.

"But kid, don't make the mistake I made, I don't see right, I don't see wrong, I don't see, I gave the world up when I decided to close my eyes and forget it."

The blind man was guilty.

"I didn't do anything wrong, I just opened my eyes too much, and now I close them, for I don't want to see anymore."

The blind man was aging.

"I didn't learn to accept life as it was given to me, so I created one for myself, but I don't like it, but neither do I want to go back."

The blind man was regretful.

"I've seen enough, but I've also seen just the beginning, I can't learn anymore, but neither can I forget, I close my eyes just enough so I don't learn or remember, but it doesn't work."

The blind man had a memory.

"Now you don't close your eyes, you don't act blind, for you'll end up like me, you won't ever forget what you've seen in life, but you can use them to your advantage."

The blind man had an exprience.

"Here these last words, don't do things you'll regret without the idea that you'll do something you shouldn't regret but embrace to replace them."

The blind man could teach.

----------------------------------------
---------------

All constructive criticism is apreciated, I almost never write anything serious, so this is a first for me.

[squidly]

At 1/26/10 07:46 PM, H-K-S wrote: That was really good, could polish up on the grammar a tad -nonetheless still wonderful-

Hmm... The grammatical errors were mostly because I was doing this entire thing on the spot.

[BlakeMo]

Good stuff.

I feel this is necessary: Why is he blind? :3

[TrevorW]

At 1/26/10 07:41 PM, squidly wrote:

The blind man said that he knew how I looked.

The blind man said that he knew how I acted.

The blind man said that he knew how I worked.

I see the point of the repetition but it seems slightly weak here. Perhaps build the emotion with the use of different punctuation tools (eg ! , --)

The blind man wasn't blind, he just didn't want to see himself in the mirror, so he closed his eyes and said he was blind.

This line is long an awkward -- break it up?

The blind man walked with a cane, and he had a dog to walk him around, he frequently lost his way and turned right when he should've turned left.

Again.

And people thought he was blind, and so he was.

The blind man never needed a cane, neither did he need a dog, he knew his way, he just didn't know himself.

The blind man isn't anyone's enemy, he isn't anyone's friend, the blind man never did any wrong, but he didn't do any right.

Consider breaking these lines for better flow and message.

The blind man see's right through appearances, for he forgot them, the blind man doesn't need appearances, for then he wouldn't stand mirrors.

again

"Hey kid, I know how you are, you're just like me, but I know I am not you, for I am me"

The blind man was wise.

"But kid, don't make the mistake I made, I don't see right, I don't see wrong, I don't see, I gave the world up when I decided to close my eyes and forget it."

Break it up, please.

The blind man was guilty.

"I didn't do anything wrong, I just opened my eyes too much, and now I close them, for I don't want to see anymore."

The blind man was aging.

"I didn't learn to accept life as it was given to me, so I created one for myself, but I don't like it, but neither do I want to go back."

The blind man was regretful.

"I've seen enough, but I've also seen just the beginning, I can't learn anymore, but neither can I forget, I close my eyes just enough so I don't learn or remember, but it doesn't work."

The blind man had a memory.

"Now you don't close your eyes, you don't act blind, for you'll end up like me, you won't ever forget what you've seen in life, but you can use them to your advantage."

The blind man had an exprience.

"Here these last words, don't do things you'll regret without the idea that you'll do something you shouldn't regret but embrace to replace them."

The blind man could teach.

Consider making your message under the first layer of the poem and try to not tell but elude to.
As I stated through out, you need to break your lines so that the flow is improved and it is easier to read. Words can tell a story on their own, let them. You are creative so let your words talk!

[squidly]

At 1/26/10 10:38 PM, blakemo wrote: Good stuff.

I feel this is necessary: Why is he blind? :3

He is metaphorically blind.
Also, Trevor, thanks, your help is appreciated.
NG needs an edit button right about now.

[InsertFunnyUserName]

I understand the reason for repeating "the blind man," but you have unneeded repetition with a number of other words, as well. For instance, you used "had a dog" in one sentence and then two sentences later, you used "need a dog." Things like that.

It feels like the story has potential for being moving and it starts out as such, but I think you kind of lost it towards the end. I don't know if I could point out the definite reason as to why, but I can speculate that it may have something to with how, at the end, the man sort of lost his personality. It seems more like a casual discussion rather than a moving sentiment.

The idea's good, though. You may benefit from adding more detail to the circumstances and situations and from thinking about the suggestions above, but you have a good foundation to work with here.