Falonefal's Writing Thread

[Falonefal]

So I write a lot, poems, stories, little things now and then, and decided that making a new thread for each and every one of them would be inappropriate.
So I'm just going to dump my stuff here.

Here's a little sucky sonnet I wrote about a year ago.

When a seed is planted it
Grows into a little tree
Like a flame the tree is lit
In the bright sun-shiny-sea.

If all goes well the tree goes well
It then becomes a full grown plant
If you cared for it you can tell
That you can now release your hand.

But no it was, way much too early
And ironic'lly enough
It wasn't you who suffered Autumn

Sadly Autumn becomes winter
Winter is a sorrow symbol
The shadow now is as forgotten.

[Falonefal]

The fire blasted out of Hell
It was enraged for it was free
Them it devoured and they have fell
They all were merged in burning sea

They have feared and they have prayed
But hell spread out over the plains
And then it did it's final raid
That land wás thén it's new domain

The people were now puny slaves
And they obeyed the cursed fire
Why did the fire so behave?
The war was that what it admired

He raged then more and no one could
stop the blood lust of that fire
All it burned was gone for good
The flaming tongues did become higher

But then as messiah of God
A Hero at the scene appeared
His calmness to the Fire was odd
Because his heart was clean of fear

"What does a puny man like you
do in my new and great Empire?"
The Fire asked it, Hero stood
He was aware of it's desires

"Are you really so almighty?
You can't even dry a lake!
Why don't do it? Are you frightened?
Or I'll think your might is fake!"

"How dare you doubting my powers!?
Watch and learn you puny man!
I will need less than an hour!
After it's done, I'll make you tan!"

And then the fire brightened up
It started flaming like the sun
He dried it all to the last drop
The lake Vanessa was now gone!

"Oh you silly little one"
The fire happily shout out
"Your soul is mine! For it is done!"
But then dark clouds gathered around

The lake was gone, but became rain
That the fire did not know
It was enraged, it was insane
He didn't see the danger glow

The peace restored back to the world
And now we know, fire is no game
And if you want more more and more
The result plainly stays the same...

Also something I wrote a looooong time ago.
I kinda like it though :)

[TrevorW]

At 1/26/10 07:21 PM, Falonefal wrote: The fire blasted out of Hell
It was enraged for it was free
Them it devoured and they have fell
They all were merged in burning sea

The third line is awkward. Imagery is apparent, nice.

They have feared and they have prayed
But hell spread out over the plains
And then it did it's final raid
That land wás thén it's new domain

Consider a comma after the first line.

The people were now puny slaves
And they obeyed the cursed fire
Why did the fire so behave?
The war was that what it admired

He raged then more and no one could
stop the blood lust of that fire
All it burned was gone for good
The flaming tongues did become higher

Consider a period after line two.
Last line is awkward.

But then as messiah of God
A Hero at the scene appeared
His calmness to the Fire was odd
Because his heart was clean of fear

This stanza is off?

"What does a puny man like you
do in my new and great Empire?"
The Fire asked it, Hero stood
He was aware of it's desires

"Are you really so almighty?
You can't even dry a lake!
Why don't do it? Are you frightened?
Or I'll think your might is fake!"

"How dare you doubting my powers!?
Watch and learn you puny man!
I will need less than an hour!
After it's done, I'll make you tan!"

And then the fire brightened up
It started flaming like the sun
He dried it all to the last drop
The lake Vanessa was now gone!

"Oh you silly little one"
The fire happily shout out
"Your soul is mine! For it is done!"
But then dark clouds gathered around

The lake was gone, but became rain
That the fire did not know
It was enraged, it was insane
He didn't see the danger glow

The peace restored back to the world
And now we know, fire is no game
And if you want more more and more
The result plainly stays the same...

Also something I wrote a looooong time ago.
I kinda like it though :)

The conversation seems off to me and the ending seems almost rushed.
I would suggest looking at both and continue the great eluded message you started with. You do not have to tell the "point of the story," let the words do that for you.