Just a poem...

[Laughingbox]

Hi guys! I just thought I might want to share my poem here, in hopes of receiving critique. Don't hurt me... Just any comments would be appreciated.

Within Twilight... September 30, 2009

What is this feeling?
I've never felt like this before.
My belongings mean nothing,
Nothing does, not a bit.
My own life doesn't seem worthy
To pay back the comfort of everyone.
I feel dead, empty, alone in twilight.
I'm too forgiving to thrive in the darkness;
The light has rejected me for my past sins.
The twilight realm is my only haven.
But my life seems meaningless
For I'm here with no cause.
Very rarely do I feel emotions;
If at all, only anger, sorrow and fear.
Only if that happened, would I ever feel alive.
I would give anything, for you.
After we parted, I was never myself again.
I'm locked inside, and you have the key.
I gave so much of my life to you
That I never kept any for myself.
This isn't like before,
When I simply wanted your presence.
I feel the need for more,
The warmth of your embrace,
The feel of your soft lips.
I can only imagine, though.
I've strayed too far from society.
Even if I'll try, we're too apart.
Years will pass, and even then...
I'll not live, for the journey
From twilight to reality is impossible.
It's a one-way suicidal path.
For once you lose your life, you can't gain it back.
Instead, you have a soulless being,
One that doesn't exist, but still is.
Even these emotions that I feel
Are not truly emotions, but only imitations.
All except this love I have for you,
It's the only truth I have.
But now, something else is alive,
It's inside my head, I can't get it out.
This feels... like love, but different.
It feels like death, but it isn't.
It wants something, too feel, to...
Ah! This isn't possible! Is it truly?
I believe, this feeling, is my passion for you.
I've never felt anything similar;
When I was alive or not!
This feeling is eating me alive,
It all makes sense now though.
The love, the dreams, all of it illogical.
You are my existence, my life,
My hopes and dreams are in your hands.
This agony is burning me,
Dissolving me to nothingness.
The truth is harsh, I can't handle it without you.
As I speak my body is fading.
All I wish, is to feel you one last time.
Looks like it won't happen though;
It's not always a happy ending.
Just know this; my dying wish.
To have my last hug, and even my first kiss.
Remember me now, for once I vanish,
I'm forever forgotten, I become nonexistent.
Goodbye Amy, too bad I'm not seeing you in heaven.
Some things were never meant to be. Is this one of them?

[megakill]

Clearly a lot of thought and emotion went into this.
The pain and longing is very evident, and i think you've done a pretty good job here.
i particuarly like the lines:

"I gave so much of my life to you
That I never kept any for myself."

the only thing i dont like, is that i feel it lacks subtlty. You explain how you feel very clearly, but personally i prefer poetry to be slightly less obvious, a bit more discreet.

that being said though, you write in a very clear style, and still give atmosphere and emotion.

Well done man!

[Hoogiman]

Okay, my first review/posty thingy in the Writing forum.

Just a couple of questions/comments:

1. You use a motif of light and dark throughout, with imagery of different lights i.e. 'burning' alluding to your emotions. Did you ever think of perhaps using a word to do with light in the closing to emphasise your agony?

2. Is this poem supposed to feel like a stream-of-consciousness, a flow of raging thoughts? Have you thought about dividing the poem into stanzas as it progresses from figurative to a bit more literal? The final two lines seem so different from the rest. Have you thought of dividing that from the rest?

3. Sometimes I think maybe there are too many lines describing the narrator's emotional state... whilst it conveys a clear emotional message I'm wondering if it really needs to take such a length. Sometimes less words can impact more. Could there be a contrast in there? Could there be a happier time before the climax of the poem?

Read a bit wider, even look at non-angsty poems. The way that the pro poets (real technical language there yeah) express emotions are varied. They can simply state it, they might describe something else to allude to it, they might even use an extended metaphor to refer to something.

Also, I think this would be more effective if there was some kind of progression or revelation because I felt a deathy-sorta thing throughout.

That's just my ramblings. Hurrah!

[Laughingbox]

At 1/26/10 07:23 PM, Hoogiman wrote: Just a couple of questions/comments:

1. You use a motif of light and dark throughout, with imagery of different lights i.e. 'burning' alluding to your emotions. Did you ever think of perhaps using a word to do with light in the closing to emphasise your agony?

Now that I think about it.. I haven't really. At the time I was more thinking about not being in the light, nor the darkness. Try not to laugh, but I was convinced that without when something(or someone) isn't in the darkness or the light, they're in the twilight. If you get the reference, don't say a word.

2. Is this poem supposed to feel like a stream-of-consciousness, a flow of raging thoughts? Have you thought about dividing the poem into stanzas as it progresses from figurative to a bit more literal? The final two lines seem so different from the rest. Have you thought of dividing that from the rest?

To be honest, I was more concerned about simply putting my emotions on text, which were quite dark at the time. I was depressed. Now than I think about it though, I guess there was too much of a jump from the rest of the poem to the final two lines. I'll try it for next time.

3. Sometimes I think maybe there are too many lines describing the narrator's emotional state... whilst it conveys a clear emotional message I'm wondering if it really needs to take such a length. Sometimes less words can impact more. Could there be a contrast in there? Could there be a happier time before the climax of the poem?

Read a bit wider, even look at non-angsty poems. The way that the pro poets (real technical language there yeah) express emotions are varied. They can simply state it, they might describe something else to allude to it, they might even use an extended metaphor to refer to something.

I've been out of the loop in poetry recently. May i ask if you have any authors to recommend to me? I hope I'm not asking too much..

Also, I think this would be more effective if there was some kind of progression or revelation because I felt a deathy-sorta thing throughout.

That's just my ramblings. Hurrah!

Well, thank you for your ramblings, good sir. Its been a while since I've seen post as intelligent as such, and none directed to me. Thanks again.

Also, thanks for your comments Megakill. It helps.

[Hoogiman]

Sylvia Plath is always a good one for dark sort of poems. Some of them are a bit of a hard read, or hard to understand. I'd suggest trying to find an online analysis.

I didn't know this until five minutes ago, but she was part of this movement called 'confessional poetry'.

Confessional poetry emphasizes the intimate, and sometimes unflattering, information about details of the poet's personal life, such as in poems about illness, sexuality, and despondence. Wikipedia

One feature of authors such as her is that she conveys emotions without actually spelling them out through metaphor and simile, using certain images or words to allude to something else.

Try reading her (Sylvia Plath's) poem 'Daddy' because it portrays emotions in a real different sense than how many of us budding poets would right.

</ramble>

Hope that helps! I haven't written a poem after my 2 year literary course study thing but I might try.

[Laughingbox]

Well, I (tried) reading Plath's stuff, and man she has a good amount of poetry on her. Sadly, I find it all too confusing. I haven't read much "pro" literature, so I guess this strikes me as unfamiliar. Thank you for helping, even if I can't seem to make sense of it. Hopefully I will, someday.

[Hoogiman]

At 1/26/10 09:03 PM, Laughingbox wrote: Well, I (tried) reading Plath's stuff, and man she has a good amount of poetry on her. Sadly, I find it all too confusing. I haven't read much "pro" literature, so I guess this strikes me as unfamiliar. Thank you for helping, even if I can't seem to make sense of it. Hopefully I will, someday.

Got your note by the way and your inbox is full so uh yeah... yer welcome!

A lot of these poets, they seem too abstract to begin with. But if you can start to dissect the meaning behind some of them, even reading what other people say about it, a whole new world will open up.

It's a very daunting thing to start and I didn't get poetry until I was forced to analyse it in class repeatedly for a couple of months. Try finding simple ones and getting help if that's possible, but otherwise just write!

[TrevorW]

I would suggest that you try to define your style -- I know that this takes time but start crafting it. If you are going to run in one solid stanza like this you need it to flow, or you WILL lose the reader. (On this subject) you also might want to consider a flow of some sort. Right now the poem is very choppy.

However, I feel your heart in this and I can appreciate that. Don't be afraid to try things and you will do well for yourself :)

[Laughingbox]

At 1/26/10 10:28 PM, TrevorW wrote: I would suggest that you try to define your style -- I know that this takes time but start crafting it. If you are going to run in one solid stanza like this you need it to flow, or you WILL lose the reader. (On this subject) you also might want to consider a flow of some sort. Right now the poem is very choppy.

However, I feel your heart in this and I can appreciate that. Don't be afraid to try things and you will do well for yourself :)

Thanks, man. Now I'm certain that I'm going to go back on this poem and remake it. I'm looking at it and I have to actually scroll down to see it. One day it'll be nice and clean... hopefully. I can try. Thanks for the encouragement, again.

At 1/26/10 09:29 PM, Hoogiman wrote: Try finding simple ones and getting help if that's possible, but otherwise just write!

Will do, sir.

[TrevorW]

At 1/26/10 11:54 PM, Laughingbox wrote:

At 1/26/10 10:28 PM, TrevorW wrote: I would suggest that you try to define your style -- I know that this takes time but start crafting it. If you are going to run in one solid stanza like this you need it to flow, or you WILL lose the reader. (On this subject) you also might want to consider a flow of some sort. Right now the poem is very choppy.

However, I feel your heart in this and I can appreciate that. Don't be afraid to try things and you will do well for yourself :)

Thanks, man. Now I'm certain that I'm going to go back on this poem and remake it. I'm looking at it and I have to actually scroll down to see it. One day it'll be nice and clean... hopefully. I can try. Thanks for the encouragement, again.

I try my best to be hard on the poets around here but also kind. Everyone can write if they want to, but some need to be pushed into learning the concepts needed. Really every poet needs to practice practice practice! And yes some will be born with a significantly greater amount of talent, but that does not mean that the hard worker can not surpass the naturally talented.

Keep that pen flowing.