my pome

[badwolfpup]

We say"

you say your scary but I say your beautiful

you say your not pretty but I say you are

you say you love me and I say I love you more

you say you'll never leave me and I pray you don't

I say I want to hold you and you say that sounds great

I say I miss you and you say you do too

I say I want you forever and you say I probably will

I say I want your bell amd you i'll give it to you

you say your cold and I say i'll warm you

I say im going to get you a star pillow and you say you'll like
that

and would sleep with it every night

you say your lonely and I say I want to be there

I say i'll draw you a picture and you say what you want

you say you love stars and I say I want to give them to you

I say i want to give you the world and you say that sounds nice

[coure]

What the heck is a "Pome"

[badwolfpup]

poem* sorry i was typing faster then i was thinkin

[coure]

At 1/26/10 06:44 PM, badwolfpup wrote: poem* sorry i was typing faster then i was thinkin

Lol I understand, Im not big on poems but in my opinion it wasn't bad at all.

[Ptcfast]

Not a bad poem but it didn't come out that fluid when i read it out load or in my head...

[badwolfpup]

why think you i got more i'm thinkin about posting to see if any body likes or not "lol"

[badwolfpup]

"A Bad Night"

Blood wrenched and crying I can't help but feel

that im not dieing some say i cut myself

to wach it bleed but really it eases the pain

My blood gives way to tears for the pain

is so hard to bare, another cut and still im not there

I wounder if I die would anyone greve over me or

evern be sad would they cry and be lonley and

miss me very bad or would they be happy and glad

would they have more fun would any thing be

diffrent or would it all stay the same

Openly I bleed tears rolling down my face

I guess it was never ment to be I love her

but all we are is friends I'm happy for her

Though my frined said he was sorry and

thats alright with me but why do I feel

so sad I just have this pain in my heart

Another cut and more blood is speeled I wipe

my eyes and cover my head thinking its just

a dream I light up two more cigarets

to stop my shakeing hands but something doesn't

feel right I'm no were near seeing the light

and Death dosen't seem to come he just

seems to be afright

My friends want to help as we talk i try not

to cry I give no hint of killing myself this night

she tells me its all true over the chat screen

I'm already crying so all i can do is another cut

she dosen't feel my pain in the words. I say

dose she realy or did she even try

I cant help but think I want to die

she said she loved me but was that a lie?

I guess I'll never know in my life

she says i might still have a chance but

only the timeless futrur will tell

I'm stell hopeinig she would be mine

but i can just keep dreaming

so I cut myself one more time I leve the room

get something to drink come back

I dont grow faint i dont even fall

I cut myself one last time hateing my life

just wanting to end it all

but shes lucky i love her or els I would go

I tell god i love her wipe off the blood and

clear and close my eyes tell him one more time then I say good night

[TrevorW]

I feel I am not doing you justice here because I did not finish the second poem, but you need to work on your flow. Yet, you have a meaning to these words written here on this forum but you need to make them flow so the reader will be interested. PLUS, a flow makes the emotion come alive to some degree. Perhaps you need the dated crutch of a rhyme scheme, or perhaps you need to restructure your poems slightly. Either way you need to work on the fluidity of the words.

Old school hip-hop taught me flow to a large degree. Check out Tupac's song ~ Brenda's got a baby
The "rapping" or poetically talking in this song is very strong. Though I would not call this the strongest demonstration of emotion through flow. Either way its a good start.

Don't worry though my friend! This is common -- you have plenty of opportunity if you keep working.

[badwolfpup]

thank you for the tips man i'll work on it

[TrevorW]

At 1/26/10 10:47 PM, badwolfpup wrote: thank you for the tips man i'll work on it

Post more and I will read them, but please break them into stanzas. The human mind needs a rest or else it loses interest.

[badwolfpup]

lol ok

[badwolfpup]

"Your My World"

You my world your my every thing
i'm so happy your in my life
yet some times i wke up crying because i miss you
Oh baby i need you.

I want to be in your life forever
to hold you in my arms every night
and to kiss you evry morning of my life
baby your my every thing.

I love you with all my heart
and i'll be doing my part
to keep you here beside me
baby your my wold.

Baby I love you, I need you, I want you
I want to be with you every day till the end of time
you mean every thing to me
and your the only one for me
baby your my life.

And baby when we get to gether
i'm gonna put my arms around you
and hold you close to my heart
then im going to kiss your sweet lips
then touch you with my finger tips
baby you my world.

You feel that space in my heart
your my love and the only one for me
I thank god were together
and the way you are with me
baby your my every thing my life my world
ohhhh yes my world

[badwolfpup]

i tried to put it in stanza form but it didnt work well there suposed to be like 6

enter things lol

[TrevorW]

At 1/26/10 11:14 PM, badwolfpup wrote: "Your My World"

You my world(,) your my every thing
i'm so happy your in my life(; or .)
yet some times (I) w(a)ke up crying because (I) miss you
Oh baby i need you.

I want to be in your life forever
to hold you in my arms every night
and to kiss you ev(e)ry morning of my life
baby your my every thing.

I love you with all my heart
and i'll be doing my part
to keep you here beside me
baby your my wold.

Baby I love you, I need you, I want you
I want to be with you every day till the end of time
you mean every thing to me
and your the only one for me
baby your my life.

And baby when we get to gether
i'm gonna put my arms around you
and hold you close to my heart
then im going to kiss your sweet lips
then touch you with my finger tips
baby you my world.

You feel that space in my heart
your my love and the only one for me
I thank god were together
and the way you are with me
baby your my every thing my life my world
ohhhh yes my world

I stopped correcting grammar, ect.
The flow is much better! Now make it even better!
Also try to add more depth to this nice love poem. Be unique; your a unique person, show it!

[Sexylegs]

The flow is quite bad. I read the first one and it didn't flow, plus some of the lines are a bit crappy.

"I say I want to hold you you say that sounds great"

Would be better as,

"I say I want too hold you, you say I'd love you too"

The flow in that is still bad, but it's just an example of wording. :/

[badwolfpup]

lol yeah im not really good with grammer and i will work on it.
thank you for the help i'll write some more tmr, but i gotta go to bed i've got school tmr i'm still
in (high school)..... lol 11th grade you've helped me alot thank you and im gonna get better i'll be on tmr
round 4 or 5 pm

[TrevorW]

At 1/26/10 11:25 PM, badwolfpup wrote: lol yeah im not really good with grammer and i will work on it.
thank you for the help i'll write some more tmr, but i gotta go to bed i've got school tmr i'm still
in (high school)..... lol 11th grade you've helped me alot thank you and im gonna get better i'll be on tmr
round 4 or 5 pm

Not a problem! Please take care and keep that pen/pencil/crayon flowing.