My Zombie Story

[deathofghosts]

hi i will be posting my new fiction story here
Title in Progress
Feel free to comment

Chapter one-The First Break

" Okay, we should be safe here...for now that is" said the man in camo as he and three others closed the steel door.
" You guys got names?" he said with a smirk on his face.
"Name's Tony, Tony Whittler." said the man with the baseball cap holding an ax.
"I am Dr. Marcus Sheer." the man who was wearing a lab coat said. He had red bags tied onto his backpack.
"My names Amber. Nice to meet you guys."
"You can just call me James. Now that the formalities are over," he opened his backpack and fished through the ammo " Lets go!" he pulled out a pistol and Tony opened the door. As the team walked down the road towards a bridge faint moans could be heard in the distance.
" Wait!" Tony whispered as pointed at the bridge," Look."
James looked into the distance and could see three stumbling figures on the horizon.
" Got 'em." James remarked as he took aim. He fired two shots, one hit and took down a figure, the other hit a car.
"Oh shit!" Amber yelled.
" Catch!" Marcus hollered as he tossed Amber a pipe off the ground.
Suddenly howls were heard in the night as the car alarm screeched. Tens upon tens of figures flocked towards the team. As James shot into the figures, Tony and Amber fought back the creatures up close.

thats as far as i got for now. i will work on it more but i want your opinions please.

[coure]

Sounds alot like Left 4 Dead, Not very original But definatley has potential.

[deathofghosts]

At 1/26/10 06:32 PM, coure wrote: Sounds alot like Left 4 Dead, Not very original But definatley has potential.

well i based alot of the story on left 4 dead but i am planing on branching away from the game into its original storyline

and yes their will be zombies based on the special infected from L4D

[Jackdabomb]

Might as well call it a fanfic. But the story has potential.

[Fro]

There is something that I noticed about this and if I mention it I think other people will notice as well, but if not then maybe it's not as noticeable as I thought.

I thought that the fluency wasn't very good. While I was reading it you used a lot of basic sentence structures where one person was talking, then you explained that person in a short amount of detail. It was kind of choppy because of this and went back and forth.

I think that a good way to get around this is to really get descriptive about the characters at this point. Make me feel that I'm really there, but I'll admit at this point I feel that I'm reading and not that I'm experiencing this for myself.

[Ptcfast]

A prequel post which explains why everyone was a zombie would better explain what is happening while creating a sub-plot if you choose.

[deathofghosts]

Continued-

" Well, that wasn't so bad right?" James questioned as the car alarm stopped.
After a few more minutes of walking the team turned onto a dirt road and searched for a place to stop and rest for the night. A shack was in sight.
" Did you see that?" said a panicking Marcus.
" I bet you're just seeing things." James said calmly.
Suddenly a beast leaped behind the team and pounced onto James.
" Shit, get it off me!" James screamed as the beast clawed him. Amber ran and picked up James' gun and shot the beast in the head.
" Thanks lets get into that shack." James said compressing his bleeding arm as the team ran down the road. When they got into the shack the barricaded the door.
" Hold still!" Marcus commanded as he opened one of the red packs and wrapped James' arm in bandages.
" Thanks for the help." James said as he searched through his backpack.
" You know i am starting to like you guys." Tony commented as he laid out the sleeping bags. James pulled out a bottle of water and a package of dehydrated food.
" Eat up." James said as he distributed the now rehydrate food.

[coure]

I recognized alot of what they said in your story they say in Left 4 Dead

[deathofghosts]

At 1/26/10 06:49 PM, Ptcfast wrote: A prequel post which explains why everyone was a zombie would better explain what is happening while creating a sub-plot if you choose.

At 1/26/10 06:46 PM, Fro wrote: I think that a good way to get around this is to really get descriptive about the characters at this point. Make me feel that I'm really there, but I'll admit at this point I feel that I'm reading and not that I'm experiencing this for myself.

i am planing a back story for each character in the story as chapters between the main action. i am also going to try and increase my fluency for better story telling.

for everyone who says its too much like Left 4 Dead i will say again:
the first chapter is based alot on L4D but i will shift the story from the game into its own original story

[deathofghosts]

" It looks like a storm is coming." Tony said as he looked out the window.
" Lets get to sleep." Marcus suggested as he got into his sleeping bag.The team then fell asleep for the night.

~End of Chapter one~

okay that is all of chapter one and i will soon post chapter two

[deathofghosts]

Chapter Two

The Storm of Soldiers

The thunder crackled as the group awoke the next morning. The wind howled and the sky was dark.
" Well I don't think we should be going out in this weather." Tony remarked as he looked out the window.
" How's your arm James?" Amber asked as she got out of her sleeping bag.
" Better than last night." James answered as he sat down on a box, " I guess we could stay in here until the storm stops."
" So James, where you from?" Tony asked trying to make conversation.
" Born and raised in Pennsylvania." said James. He was a fit man, about six feet tall, and he was dressed in a tight camouflage t-shirt and cargo-pants. his eyes were green and he had short cut hair.
" If you're from Pennsylvania what are you doing in Oregon?" Marcus questioned as he took a drink out of his canteen.
" I was called out by the army to look for survivors. But once the general got bitten most of my group fled. The general became a... a zombie." James replied with a shudder, " Listen, that thing that jumped me last night... it was following us since the bridge. It was hunting us... like a wolf."
" It wasn't one of a kind. I've seen the before, we should call them wolves." Tony thought out loud.