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How to Survive a Horror Movie.

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Stoicish
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How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 04:29 PM Reply

People die in horror movies. Usually it is because of stupid mistakes or otherwise unforeseeable events. Never the less it is easy to survive in these movies if people just take them seriously.

So I've decided to create steps to survive in any horror movie situation so you are not the person who is being dragged to hell.

Speaking of which...

Drag Me to Hell
1. Don't fuck with Gypsies. Give into anything they want and slowly back away once they have it.
2. If you have failed to do that reevaluate your life and why you are such a selfish bastard.
3. If you are going to transfer the demon to an easy to kill object make sure you get someone who knows how to kill a goat.
4. If you are giving the cursed item back to the gypsy. Make sure you have the right fucking envelope.
5. Avoid train stations.

Hostel
1. It's usually a good rule of the thumb to avoid Eastern Europe entirely. Even if all the bitches have the nicest pussies.
2. If you do find yourself in a Hostel in Eastern Europe you should immediately be suspicious if you are in one that is so nice.
3. If your friends end up going missing, fuck 'em, cry later and get out of dodge.

Paranormal Activity
1. Don't buy a camera.
2. Don't buy a Ouija board.
3. Call a priest or something.
4. Trying to figure out if the demon is MORE real than ever is stupid.
5. If your girlfriend refuses to get into the car with you when you try to leave the home then fuck her and leave until the whole thing blows over.

Saw
1. The Jigsaw killer is a douche. Saw through your leg, grab it to put it on ice and go find the cops.

The Last House on the Left.
1. Next time don't rape and kill.

Final Destination.
1. You are fucked.
2. Get the biggest loan you possibly can and live it up until Death somehow figures its your time.

The Ring
1. Next time don't watch a movie that has no markings on it.
2. If you get tricked into seeing it make a copy and trick your other friend.
3. Make sure they continue this horror pyramid scheme.

Jeepers Creepers
1. Don't go exploring places that it is unnecessary to explore.
2. Ran farther than the small town that you happen to be at for the moment.
3. Once it is "dead" run even more.
4. Go to a big city where there are a lot of people and take a flight out of the country.

Carrie
1. It's never really great to pick on people to the point of homicidal rage. Columbine has shown us that.
2. If you know if the "prom queen" is going to have blood dumped on her then maybe you shouldn't go to prom.
3. Watch events unfold on news and be glad that wasn't you.

TheSilverGuitar
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 04:30 PM Reply

The number one, most utterly important rule is

DON'T BE BLACK

You are going to die.


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ViZi
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 04:32 PM Reply

At 11/19/09 04:29 PM, Stoicish wrote: 4. If you are giving the cursed item back to the gypsy. Make sure you have the right fucking envelope.

I laughed. That movie was way too predictable really. And they fucked it all up when the spirit was in his his body and the motherfucker was dancing on the table.

TheT3Ddy
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 04:33 PM Reply

At 11/19/09 04:31 PM, ZX wrote: i sorvived a whgoror movie becaus i was like fcuck that shit bitch. and went 2 quiznos

You work on that , ok ?

AnimeOreo
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 04:33 PM Reply

At 11/19/09 04:30 PM, TheSilverGuitar wrote: The number one, most utterly important rule is

DON'T BE BLACK

You are going to die.

lol.... thats so true... racist but true...


If you feel like giving me a piece of your mind keep it i dont think you can afford to lose anymore

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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 04:33 PM Reply

At 11/19/09 04:30 PM, TheSilverGuitar wrote: The number one, most utterly important rule is

DON'T BE BLACK

You are going to die.

Whoops.


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BloodPact
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 04:34 PM Reply

Watching Hostel is the reason why I will never go to a Eastern European country.


You haven't seen me, yet.

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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 04:35 PM Reply

Don't take your clothes off, don't split up, don't say that everything is alright and don't slam a door and lock it without checking the room you just entered. That's all I can think of for now.


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Leo3oproductions
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 04:38 PM Reply

one of my favoraite books is how to survive a horror movie so that's why I looked into this thread.kinda' pisses me off that it's not about it...


every day I look out the window to see if the zombie apocalypse has started.so far it hasn't.
and I'm pissed.
Look at it...Look at it god damn It!!

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Grizzli
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 04:42 PM Reply

No Evil Dead survival guide?

how can you have Drag Me To Hell without Evil Dead?

you bastard....

"Well shit, Daniel, I just left!"
LOL? LOL LOL LOL

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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 04:53 PM Reply

At 11/19/09 04:29 PM, Stoicish wrote: The Ring
1. Next time don't watch a movie that has no markings on it.
2. If you get tricked into seeing it make a copy and trick your other friend.
3. Make sure they continue this horror pyramid scheme.

I saw that tape. I thought it was Pootie Tang.

God damn it!
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 05:03 PM Reply

At 11/19/09 04:29 PM, Stoicish wrote: People die in horror movies. Usually it is because of stupid mistakes or otherwise unforeseeable events. Never the less it is easy to survive in these movies if people just take them seriously.

So I've decided to create steps to survive in any horror movie situation so you are not the person who is being dragged to hell.

Speaking of which...

Drag Me to Hell
1. Don't fuck with Gypsies. Give into anything they want and slowly back away once they have it.

screw that just shoot the bitch in da head

2. If you have failed to do that reevaluate your life and why you are such a selfish bastard.
3. If you are going to transfer the demon to an easy to kill object make sure you get someone who knows how to kill a goat.

and use a gun instead of a machette

4. If you are giving the cursed item back to the gypsy. Make sure you have the right fucking envelope.

well i got to admit the dumb bitch had it coming :]

5. Avoid train stations.

well i dont know how that helps


Hostel
1. It's usually a good rule of the thumb to avoid Eastern Europe entirely. Even if all the bitches have the nicest pussies.

screw you we'd all rather die there just for that

2. If you do find yourself in a Hostel in Eastern Europe you should immediately be suspicious if you are in one that is so nice.

maybe

3. If your friends end up going missing, fuck 'em, cry later and get out of dodge.

well this makes sense to bad the teens in the movie border lines didn't know how to say f*** em lets go


Paranormal Activity
1. Don't buy a camera.

i dont see why not

2. Don't buy a Ouija board.

if you do then you have it coming

3. Call a priest or something.

what if your an athiest

4. Trying to figure out if the demon is MORE real than ever is stupid.
5. If your girlfriend refuses to get into the car with you when you try to leave the home then fuck her and leave until the whole thing blows over.

yup if the dumb bimbo doesnt know any better then she can rot in hell for all i care


Saw
1. The Jigsaw killer is a douche. Saw through your leg, grab it to put it on ice and go find the cops.

thats possible but would hurt like hell


The Last House on the Left.
1. Next time don't rape and kill.

no comment


Final Destination.
1. You are fucked.

thanks for the advice

2. Get the biggest loan you possibly can and live it up until Death somehow figures its your time.

The Ring
1. Next time don't watch a movie that has no markings on it.

maybe you can quite watching the movie

2. If you get tricked into seeing it make a copy and trick your other friend.
3. Make sure they continue this horror pyramid scheme.

Jeepers Creepers
1. Don't go exploring places that it is unnecessary to explore.
2. Ran farther than the small town that you happen to be at for the moment.
3. Once it is "dead" run even more.

there is no thing as over kill

4. Go to a big city where there are a lot of people and take a flight out of the country.

Carrie
1. It's never really great to pick on people to the point of homicidal rage. Columbine has shown us

never seen the movie so no coment that.

2. If you know if the "prom queen" is going to have blood dumped on her then maybe you shouldn't go to prom.
3. Watch events unfold on news and be glad that wasn't you.
Winned
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 05:07 PM Reply

This topic disappoints me.

How to Survive a Horror Movie.


I need Monet, to buy DeGas to make my Van Gogh. I tried to Hale a cab but my Whistler didn't Turner 'round.

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Lichtenstein
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 05:15 PM Reply

At 11/19/09 05:07 PM, Winned wrote: This topic disappoints me.

I have that book.


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Stoicish
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 05:19 PM Reply

I'm going to be honest.

I had no idea the book existed, but now that I do I'm going to pick it up as soon as possible.

zooos
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 05:20 PM Reply

Don't Be Black
Racist? Yes
Funny? Yes
True? Yes

Fuck you


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TacticalShoe
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 06:24 PM Reply

Don't have sex, ever.

Fuck Greg, we're not going back into the creepy house to look for him.


I'm gonna go back to my room and be awesome.
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Stoicish
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 06:52 PM Reply

Does anyone have anything besides "Don't have sex," and "Don't be Black".

cATbYtE
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 19th, 2009 @ 11:23 PM Reply

1. Don't insult voo-doo dolls or say they are ugly. Your death WILL be caused by them.
2. If you shot some monster leave it be and run....don't check to see if its dead.
3. Do not approach your dog after it died and came back to life....or anyone else for that matter. (yes...even your own deceased family)
4. Don't stay for a family reunion if your dead father comes back and kills off his surviving family members
5. Don't steal from the dead for ANY reason
6. Don't accept a blow job from your woman in your car while driving...this causes fatal car accidents with the old gypsy woman being killed and her father coming after your ass.
7. Stealing from native americans that are long gone is taboo...dont' do it.
8. Its not nice to steal from a leprechaun.

follow these rules and you should be ok....maybe.


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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 20th, 2009 @ 12:01 AM Reply

Don't


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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 20th, 2009 @ 01:00 AM Reply

At 11/19/09 04:29 PM, Stoicish wrote: Final Destination.
1. You are fucked.
2. Get the biggest loan you possibly can and live it up until Death somehow figures its your time.

It's not really "surviving" is it?


When this post hits 88 mph, you're going to see some serious friendship.
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 20th, 2009 @ 01:33 AM Reply

At 11/19/09 04:30 PM, TheSilverGuitar wrote: The number one, most utterly important rule is

DON'T BE BLACK

You are going to die.

Ain't it true... ain't it true

Just ask this woman who didn't survive. If you remember this dumb movie as I do, you know what I'm talking about.

How to Survive a Horror Movie.

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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 24th, 2009 @ 10:21 PM Reply

1. Do not try and discover taboo voo-doo secrets (The Serpent and the Rainbow)
2. If you see a large vial of green liquid swirling on its own get the fuck out (The Prince of Darkness)
3. Do not say the name of a murdered slave 5 x (Candyman)
4. If your drain "talks" to you or you see clowns run. (Stephen KIng's It)
5. Do not stay for a bbq in a small southern town (1001 Maniacs)
6. Do not watch an unknown cartoon sent to you by an unknown "friend" (Terror Toons)
7. Do not wear a fur coat supposedly "cursed" (Pelts)
8. Don't ask why a dog that use to be freindly is growling at you for no reason (Cujo)
9. Do not bury your pets or anyone on Indian burial grounds (Pet Semetary 1&2)
10. Be wary of the strange dog that the Norwegin guy was shooting at in Alaska (The Thing)
11. Do not be a racist white guy moving into an old black woman's home...especially if her specialty was making mini little voo-doo dolls from the slavery days (Tales From The Hood)


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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 24th, 2009 @ 11:00 PM Reply

If you think that you killed the murderer, you probably didn't, so don't check to see if he or she is really dead.

Never get separated from the group; you just put a giant bullseye on your chest, waiting for a knife.

Don't get drunk or high; everything will be funnier to you, but you are gonna stumble right into the killer.


Randomness is fun!
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 25th, 2009 @ 02:31 AM Reply

1. When you are being haunted, go into a dark corner, close your eyes, curl up, breath quietly, AND DON'T, FUCKING, MOVE. Usually ghost's can't fuck with you when you're ignoring them and not reacting. It's the shitheads that scream and run that are painting bulls eye's on their chests.

2. Also, when somebody sends you a mysterious tape and you watch it, trick somebody else you don't like into watching it, THEN FUCKING DESTROY IT.

3. Don't fuck with anybody. Period.

4. If a pet that was friendly attacks, tries to attack, or you think it will attack, snap it's neck and burn it.

5. Do NOT open mysterious packages you find on your door step, that doesn't have a address or anything. Throw it away or destroy it. If you can't destroy it, bury it.

6. LEARN HOW TO USE A GUN. Seriously, people just cannot use a gun these days. They'll either refuse to use it, or miss by like 3 yards to an enemy 3 times their size.

7. Find exits to any home or hotel you go to. This is just a precautionary measure, but can save your ass later.

8. Don't be a pussy. Is you have to break a window without an object, back it in with your fist or other body parts.

9. When running from a predator, don't stop for ANYTHING. I don't care if you get shot, if you can still run, do it.

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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 25th, 2009 @ 02:49 AM Reply

In General
If you hear a suspicious or creepy sound, GET THE FUCK OUTTA THERE DO NOT FIND THE SOURCE GODAMMNIT OR YOU WILL BE IN A WORLD OF SHIT!
Don't be a black guy or a slutty busty blonde or you will die fairly early in the movie.
Homemade weapons are most effective.
History and troubled past of a serial killer WILL NOT HELP YOU KILL HIM. SHOOT HIM FOR CHRIST SAKES.
Try and side with the bad guy by striking up a deal and be his right hand man in evil.

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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 25th, 2009 @ 02:56 AM Reply

At 11/19/09 04:30 PM, TheSilverGuitar wrote: The number one, most utterly important rule is

DON'T BE BLACK

You are going to die.

Once you go black, there's no going back.


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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 25th, 2009 @ 03:01 AM Reply

Rule 1 of surviving a horror movie
1. Stay inside, never talk to anyone, and do nothing all day. Wear padding, helmets, bubble wrap, and goggles at all times.

And that's the eeeeend.
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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 25th, 2009 @ 07:15 AM Reply

Exorcist

It's going to be a bumpy ride, make sure to get some clips on your eyes so they're wide open. If you can watch the whole movie without closing your eyes one. Whether it be the scary images it provides and how fucked up this movie (but satisfying) you will survive this awesome greatness of this horror
film.


Everything I see is just a image of my thoughts "Always looking for a better day..."
What's your fastest reaction time?
-[Audiosurf Club]-

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Response to How to Survive a Horror Movie. Nov. 25th, 2009 @ 08:11 AM Reply

Haha, funny.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre:
1) Don't pick up hitchhikers / people walking on the side of the road.
2) Don't drink the soup.
3) Don't explore random old back-country house
4) Don't help the cripple stand up.
5) Watch where you run, dumbass.
6) Just don't even stop your car in the middle of nowhere.
7) Just run over the bikers.

Freddy, Jason, Halloween
1) Just get a gun, their melee weapons wont do much...

Alien
1) Don't go in space.

Silent Hill
1) Don't go to Silent Hill
2) Don't disturb Pyramid Head while he's raping a nurse.