Ah, you've made me nostalgic for the day I, too, realized how important the sacred duty I'm charged with truly is. You see, I was down in the dumps, getting rid of the old pair of sneakers I'd worn bare walking to the dumps to get rid of. As I was walking home I decided to stop for a coffee at the local Starbucks.
I order my double mocha espresso latte caramel decaf when, much to my chagrin, I'm told such a drink doesn't exist. So I nab a water and politely ask the fellow in the only comfy chair if I might check my email quickly. He didn't even acknowledge my presence. I persisted, this time by first clearing my throat and not whispering. I only stammered twice, so I knew he'd hear my confidence and oblige.
He met my gaze and sized me up. Opening his mouth to speak I hear "WHY HAS THIS SHOELESS NOBODY BEEN SERVED AND ALLOWED TO HARASS A PAYING CUSTOMER SUCH AS MYSELF!?" As the cashier politely requests that I leave, I cry out "WAIT, NO, I was ashamed of my true intention: I'm an internet moderator and I haven't logged on recently! I simply need to read some posts!"
The man's eyes softened and his eyebrows raised. He apologized profusely for his error and handed me the laptop. He was already on the internet, so I made quick work of the goatse he'd been viewing against his will. Unfortunately, an unrelated bystander had already called the police.
They arrived when I was sharing the porn with my allies in our secret base forums. The officer asked for ID, but before I could spin the laptop to flash my credentials the business man interceded. "Officer, it's me you want, this man has been framed, for I stole his shoes and laptop." As the fuzz hauled the man away in their paddywagon, and the sounds of "You're goin' downtown, buddy..." faded into the distance, I slipped on the shoe. IT FIT PERFECTLY.
The prince arrived, absolutely giddy that he had finally found the girl of his dreams. I now live happily ever after in the castle with him.
