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ITT: Elfer fix yo' life

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Elfer
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ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 11:50 AM Reply

Hey kids!

It's me, Elfer. I've been around forever, but a lot of you probably don't know me. That's about to change forever. Or perhaps temporarily, I haven't worked it out yet. For those of you who do know me, you know I only make a thread in General when the forum needs me. When the world is in crisis.

I look around the board today, and I see a lot of threads. Threads from people who are confused, scared, people who don't know what direction their life is headed in, much less what direction it should. I thought about bringing back my old thread, but it didn't seem to fit the bill for the challenges we're facing today.

So, as always, I'm here to help you, the general population of the NG BBS. If you've got a problem of some sort, post it on up and I'll do the best I can to provide lucid, unbiased advice. I've got at least a basic working knowledge of about 95% of things that exist, so you can ask about pretty much anything. I'm equally willing to provide fake advice for fake problems and real advice for real problems.

So what you waitin' for? A better life* is only moments away!

Better life not guaranteed. If you go out there and fudge the bucket, that's on you.
Prinzy2
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 11:57 AM Reply

McFooFa killed my family and raped my dog, how do I get over this and let him into my heart/butt again?


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Elfer
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 11:59 AM Reply

At 11/1/09 11:53 AM, Twilight wrote: How do I make new friends in high school?

Talking to people in class and joining any sort of club or team is a good way to meet people you probably wouldn't have talked to otherwise. Since your profile says you're 13, I'm gussing you're just starting high school, which is actually not that bad.

I switched high schools after my first year, so a lot of people had already cemented their little social groups, which made it a lot harder. But I still met people and made friends. The trick, really, is to be unapologetic about who you are, and don't be concerned about people not liking you. If people don't like you, then fuck 'em, you don't need them as friends anyway.

Elfer
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 12:05 PM Reply

At 11/1/09 11:57 AM, Prinzy2 wrote: McFooFa killed my family and raped my dog, how do I get over this and let him into my heart/butt again?

First you're going to want to see a doctor about that heart/butt thing you've got going on. That sounds like septic shock waiting to happen.

Next, take a hot shower. Crank the water up hot enough to wash away all that murder and dog rape. This may or may not help you get over things, but the worst case scenario is that you're clean and fresh, and ready for a new day.

After that, you should file a police report. No wait, not a police report, a please report. What I mean is you should get a card and write something along the lines of "Please don't murder my family again" on the inside and give it you McFooFa.

Neenja-SkLz
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 12:05 PM Reply

How the fuck do I deal with the sideffects of way too much caffeine from an unbranded energy drink that I had around 16 hours ago? I got a really bad headache after about 2 hours of taking it in, then I got severely tired, went to sleep. Woke up in the middle of the night, dizzy as fuck, however I went back to sleep. I just woke up around 2 hours ago, I'm really dizzy and disoriented, and my eyes will only open so wide (half closed), and I feel like shit.

How do I deal with this? Also, how long will it last?


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HighWay
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 12:07 PM Reply

The answer is always pie.

and sometimes cake.

The work, which becomes a new genre itself, will be called...

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poxpower
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 12:08 PM Reply

What are the 3 rules one must follow to set up traps?


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STEM
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 12:09 PM Reply

At 11/1/09 12:08 PM, poxpower wrote: What are the 3 rules one must follow to set up traps?

That sounds like a gameshow question in which the person asking already knows the answer >:(


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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 12:13 PM Reply

How do I get my dog to stop begging me for food? I accidentally dropped half a pop-tart once and maybe gave him a few tostitos over the course of like 2 years. But now whenever he sees me get any kind of food he'll run up to me and start pushing his head into me, whining, giving me those eyes, and won't leave me alone man. I think my grandma might be feeding him, she lives with us btw.

Also, I've got the feeling lately of just wanting to slam my head into a wall. Not suicide or any of that pussy shit, just really bang it really hard off of a brick wall. It's like, I dunno, I just feel like getting away from society (thoreau maybe?) and I fell like it's the only way to do it, is the wall. :\

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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 12:25 PM Reply

What's a decent way for a 15-year-old guy with no permits of any kind and who's parents don't have enough to give allowance, like myself, to make some money? It doesn't have to be good money, just something that would allow me to do stuff with my friends once in a while, or something like that.
Probably needs to be something that doesn't require any excessive amount of transportation or time. Probably something that would just require talent or skill in one area. Probably something I can do on the computer or at school.


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poxpower
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 12:25 PM Reply

At 11/1/09 12:09 PM, STEM wrote:
At 11/1/09 12:08 PM, poxpower wrote: What are the 3 rules one must follow to set up traps?
That sounds like a gameshow question in which the person asking already knows the answer >:(

That's because it is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VB6suLR25 zw


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Elfer
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 12:26 PM Reply

At 11/1/09 12:05 PM, Neenja-SkLz wrote: How the fuck do I deal with the sideffects of way too much caffeine from an unbranded energy drink that I had around 16 hours ago? I got a really bad headache after about 2 hours of taking it in, then I got severely tired, went to sleep. Woke up in the middle of the night, dizzy as fuck, however I went back to sleep. I just woke up around 2 hours ago, I'm really dizzy and disoriented, and my eyes will only open so wide (half closed), and I feel like shit.

How do I deal with this? Also, how long will it last?

What you have is caffiene withdrawal. Take a couple of tylenol, don't consume any more caffiene, and just wait for it to wear off. Once the blood vessels in your brain are fully relaxed, the headache and dizziness will go away.

Also, try to drink a lot of water. Caffiene is a diuretic, and you might be dehydrated, which often causes some of the symptoms you've described.

At 11/1/09 12:07 PM, HighWayStar365 wrote: The answer is always pie.
and sometimes cake.

This is neither a question nor sound advice. Inexcusable!

At 11/1/09 12:08 PM, poxpower wrote: What are the 3 rules one must follow to set up traps?

Location, location, location.

At 11/1/09 12:13 PM, PinballWizard976 wrote: How do I get my dog to stop begging me for food? I accidentally dropped half a pop-tart once and maybe gave him a few tostitos over the course of like 2 years. But now whenever he sees me get any kind of food he'll run up to me and start pushing his head into me, whining, giving me those eyes, and won't leave me alone man. I think my grandma might be feeding him, she lives with us btw.

Ask your grandma if she's feeding the dog, and if she is, tell her to stop. If you want the dog ot stop beggin you specifically, find something called bitter apple spray, spray it on an extra bit of food (a small bit of bread or something), and give that to the dog when he starts begging for food. He'll learn pretty quickly that you're the wrong person to ask.

Also, I've got the feeling lately of just wanting to slam my head into a wall. Not suicide or any of that pussy shit, just really bang it really hard off of a brick wall. It's like, I dunno, I just feel like getting away from society (thoreau maybe?) and I fell like it's the only way to do it, is the wall. :\

Find an individual activity that you enjoy. Hiking is good, I personally like rock climbing. The nice thing about individual sports is that even if there's other people around when you're doing them, you're still alone. Basically, just go somewhere to do something you enjoy and where people won't bother you. If you've got a cell phone, switch it off or leave it at home.

Elfer
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 12:32 PM Reply

At 11/1/09 12:25 PM, poxpower wrote: That's because it is.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VB6suLR25 zw

Holy shit that was unbearable.

At 11/1/09 12:27 PM, The-Evil-Daed wrote: Dear Elfer,

My penis is too large, and it's uncomfortable. What can I do?

Discuss your issues with the gang over at the Large Penis Support Group.

AapoJoki
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 12:33 PM Reply

How do I make money on the internet?

Elfer
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 12:47 PM Reply

At 11/1/09 12:33 PM, AapoJoki wrote: How do I make money on the internet?

Usually drop shipping would be your best bet.

BrianEtrius
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 12:49 PM Reply

Dear Elfer,

I'm overly sarcastic, but nobody realizes when I am being sarcastic or making fun of them. Thus, I feel bad yet continue to do so.

What should I do?


New to Politics?/ Friend of the Devil/ I review writing! PM me
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 12:54 PM Reply

Dear Elfer,

what is the meaning of life?


ma art. | ma song. | Peniscopter
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poxpower
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 12:55 PM Reply

Ok now for the hard question:

- I am playing vintage manaless ichorid. Should I pack sutured ghouls / dragon breath or instead opt for sadistic hypnotists?

- How long do you figure it will take me to train myself to do the lucid dreaming thing?

- How many people have died thus far of H1N1 and how do you like them apples?

At 11/1/09 12:32 PM, Elfer wrote:
Discuss your issues with the gang over at the Large Penis Support Group.

Finally a great organization I can pretend to belong to.


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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 12:59 PM Reply

Dear Elfer,
I am calling because Dr. Phil turned me down, saying 'That shit is crazy, dawg!'. Even Oprah, now desperate for any attention, would not take on my case. So I beg of you: Help me rape Tom Fulp.
I've got it all planned out. I'm dong to cut out a section of his roof and rappel down. When I'm there I'll sneak around until I find Tom's room. I brought some beef jerky to distract his guard dog, PyschoGoldfish, and it's laced with sleeping pills.

My problem is to get Tom to love me after I rape him. Do you think he'll forgive me after I turn his asshole into a gaping chasm of death?
Signed,
Micheal Vick

iateamexican
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 01:06 PM Reply

I've got a real problem here.
Whats the capital of Australia?


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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 01:06 PM Reply

At 11/1/09 12:49 PM, BrianEtrius wrote: Dear Elfer,

I'm overly sarcastic, but nobody realizes when I am being sarcastic or making fun of them. Thus, I feel bad yet continue to do so.

What should I do?

Adjust your intonations to how well you know the listener. There's a direct relationship between how well you know someone and how deadpan you can be.

At 11/1/09 12:54 PM, watzmann wrote: Dear Elfer,

what is the meaning of life?

Life is what you make of it. Everything else is bullshit.

At 11/1/09 12:55 PM, poxpower wrote: Ok now for the hard question:

- I am playing vintage manaless ichorid. Should I pack sutured ghouls / dragon breath or instead opt for sadistic hypnotists?

To be honest if you're playing vintage you should be going for some sort of vault/key deck until they reverse the errata on time vault. It's pretty much destroying the format right now.

Personally I'm more into legacy, but I'm still working on building up a stock of staple cards before playing competetively. Right now I just do draft.

- How long do you figure it will take me to train myself to do the lucid dreaming thing?

Depends on how good you are at it naturally. I guess if you really stuck with it, maybe a month or so? You can also try any number of disgusting teas that claim to induce lucid dreaming as a way to market an otherwise unsellable product.

- How many people have died thus far of H1N1 and how do you like them apples?

One person in my town, and a few thousand worldwide. I like them apples just fine, since I've gotten the vaccine and I'm staying out of the hot-spot (my university) until it kicks in. This was a good year to do an internship instead of going straight back to classes.

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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 01:07 PM Reply

You see Elfer... I have this problem. It's plagued me for a while now and I just don't know what to do. You see, it hurts when I pee. Now I would think that it's just an STD, but when I do pee, it's blue as well.

I just don't know what to do.

Also I think my son is gay...

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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 01:14 PM Reply

3 things:

1. I want my ex back.
2. I'm already terrified of going to university next september.
3. I lack the motivation to do revision for my upcoming exams.

Help please :)


The Juggernauts will awaken...

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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 01:21 PM Reply

Elfer, you skipped my question
D:


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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 01:23 PM Reply

how do I repair my computer?

I have 3 chainsaws in the shed...
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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 01:25 PM Reply

I'm scottish.
Try fixing that.


I never finish anyth

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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 01:36 PM Reply

How do I stop stalking her and start talking to her.


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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 01:39 PM Reply

I procrastinate constantly with my college coursework, how can I stop doing this?


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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 02:12 PM Reply

At 11/1/09 01:07 PM, armorwarrior wrote: You see Elfer... I have this problem. It's plagued me for a while now and I just don't know what to do. You see, it hurts when I pee.

Get a doctor to stick a needle in you.

At 11/1/09 01:14 PM, ZombieKangaroo wrote: 3 things:

1. I want my ex back.

Why? The problem might be either you need to know how to get your ex back, or you need to know how to stop wanting to get her back. It depends on the motivation and the situation.

2. I'm already terrified of going to university next september.

Don't worry about it. There's nothing particularly scary about unviersity. Just try not to give into the temptation to skip all your classes and you should be fine.

3. I lack the motivation to do revision for my upcoming exams.

Help please :)

See the bottom of this post for stuff about doing coursework, and staying organized/motivated.

At 11/1/09 01:21 PM, MonkeyV wrote: Elfer, you skipped my question
D:

Whoops!

At 11/1/09 12:25 PM, MonkeyV wrote: What's a decent way for a 15-year-old guy with no permits of any kind and who's parents don't have enough to give allowance, like myself, to make some money? It doesn't have to be good money, just something that would allow me to do stuff with my friends once in a while, or something like that.
Probably needs to be something that doesn't require any excessive amount of transportation or time. Probably something that would just require talent or skill in one area. Probably something I can do on the computer or at school.

Mowing lawns, shoveling snow or walking dogs are decent ways if you live in a neighbourhood with enough disposable income for people to spend it on that sort of thing. Odd jobs and the like are decent one-offs that can give you enough money for a weekend.

You might also be able to get some part-time work at an office or other business near your school. Check out the buildings nearby and make a few calls, see if they would be interested in a part-time worker. The pay will be fairly low, but you won't have to work many hours and it'll be easy work.

Try to take a look at any other skills you might have, too. If you're good in certain subject, you can tutor people in them. If you play an instrument, you can give lessons at a much cheaper rate than professional musicians. Basically, just figure out anything you can do that people would pay you money for.

At 11/1/09 01:23 PM, robin1232 wrote: how do I repair my computer?

I have 3 chainsaws in the shed...

Figure out the problem and change it so it works.

At 11/1/09 01:25 PM, ImScottish wrote: I'm scottish.
Try fixing that.

You can move and acquire citizenship in a different country.

At 11/1/09 01:36 PM, andhination wrote: How do I stop stalking her and start talking to her.

You pretty much explained how to do it just there. Stop with the stalking and start with the talking. It's no more complicated than that.

At 11/1/09 01:39 PM, DumbassDude wrote: I procrastinate constantly with my college coursework, how can I stop doing this?

Try to break everything up into smaller bite-sized tasks that aren't so daunting to start on. I had a whole topic on this a while back.

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Response to ITT: Elfer fix yo' life Nov. 1st, 2009 @ 02:19 PM Reply

How I stop hating myself


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