Two Years.
That's how long I was actively involved in this website as a forum member. I spent my days and nights posting and obsessing about the nooks and crannies of the forums, the personalities and the popularity they had. I obsessed over the creators, the affiliates, the mods, and especially the admins. Hell, I even obsessed over how God dammed obsessed I was. It was a happy, sad, funny, horrible, depressing, wonderful, disgusting part of my life that I probably will regret for a good few years now, until the haze of nostalgia forms around my eyes and I look back on the years I was such a fucking dick.
Mind you, most of my issues stemmed from deep rooted issues that are still not resolved to this day. They stem from being home schooled, and stripped from a life of popularity, as well as being in an area where I have no friends due to isolation. Drugs. Drugs that I got legally and illegally, they formed a bubble of ignorance, intolerance, and a sense of self righteousness that is very hard to explain in so many words. This all happened before I was even legally allowed to smoke cigarettes.
Truthfully, this site brought some of the only social interaction I was allowed due to the lifestyle I chose. Some of the happiest moments were brought by feeling accepted among a community that had known my name, for a short time, if nothing else. I realize this was like artificial water. Sure, you can swim in it, you can piss in it, but if you try to drink it, you'll still be just as dehydrated as you were an hour ago. It does nothing for you except give a false sense of relief, that's swiftly followed by a kick in the gut.
This site mostly brought bad memories to my life. It made me realize my weaknesses and my insecurities in a way that was far harsher than someone who wasn't reclusive, with an active, real life support system and friends. All my problems were brought to the forefront immediately and unceremoniously, and some problems I didn't have were exasperated by trolls and agitators who's only goal was to bring you down to a point of exactly one degree below what they were at.
Those actions, I suppose ironically, turned me towards the role that I had hated. I wanted to be the one calling people stupid fucking dick swallowing cunt pissers, to make another persons day feel just as shitty as mine. I wanted the world to know I was right, they were wrong, and they should respect me. The response was the total opposite, as should be expected.
I was turned on by nearly everyone on here. Anytime I tried to do anything with meaning I was berated and hated upon as if I were a pathetic fool of a child that had nothing worthwhile going on in his head, no meaning to the words he wrote and no brain to process his actions. From here, the story becomes redundant. It's essentially the same story retold a thousand different ways, until my eventual departure sometime last month, I believe.
Anyone in the know of the situation could totally explain it if they wanted, but I won't as I don't care enough to. Basically, I was a dick, I was irresponsible, I fucked up, I raged that people caught on to those facts, and I quit. I've never been one to take criticism with a grain of salt, or to process the criticism in a logical way at the moment it's given. I get angry, I get hurt, I take it far too personally and to heart, and quit.
Two weeks.
That's how long it took to get my life on track. I have a job now, a friend, many acquaintances, and self confidence that I've lacked for such a long time. My life is good, and I'll admit, I rarely think of this website, even it was just a short period of time that I left you all. You all are an afterthought in my world, and that's how it should be. The adult acts like an adult, the child acts like a child, and the dicks stay in their home sulking about how Power Rangers went down hill after the second season and how Power Puff Girls ruined the super hero genre.
Seriously though, Power Rangers went down hill after the second season. Once they had the black power ranger actually be black, I was done.
So truly, is my life any worse for the years I spent here? Probably not. Was it worse at the time? Maybe. Could it have been better? Certainly. If I had got support from people I considered friends online, if I had felt important, if if if if if. You could go on forever with if's, but they mean shit. You can do the same with any situation, and you can blame it on many other things besides yourself. So we do. We don't like personal responsibility, and that's what I'm trying to take here.
I did everything I did. I was a dick. I was a coward. I was a child. I was stupid. I am sorry. However, you all are as guilty as I am, the only difference is that for a moment people caught on to the fact I was weak, and I was shot in the face, ripped apart and forgotten. That's the only reason I ever trolled. I saw what happened when people fucked up on the internet. I learned it with many a 'friend' that had the same thing happen to them. LastSpartan, is the main example I can think of.
I know this will do nothing but provide a way of 4 or 5 people saying "Hey, he's alive?", but that's okay. Everything we do isn't for each other. We do it for ourselves, to make who we are justified. We do it because if we don't, our lack of existence will drive us mad, and right now, this old troll, this young man, this former drug addict needs to bring a part of his soul onto this digital canvas, share a part of his life before it is too far gone, and think about why he wants others to know about it.
Hopefully, I find that I am merely bored.
