I Can Help You Improve Yourself

[GrammerNaziElite]

I'd like to present an opportunity to you, Newgrounds.

I don't often come on this site, something about it reeks of immaturity to me, mixed with a slightly unsettling population of people perhaps too old to be fraternizing with others on this site, moderators and administrators excluded, of course.

However, today I'd like to help the people here in the only two ways i can- Information and motivation, two powerful words that happen to rhyme.

This is, in reality, an attempted reboot of a previous thread I made, 'Official Fitness Thread', in which I attempted to answer questions people had regarding health and exercise. I overestimated Newground's willingness to improve itself, however, and the thread soon denigrated into a painful repeat of the joke, masturbating builds forearm muscles.

This thread will be different, due to a change in focus and an improved heading and preface.

I am here to answer fitness questions, ANY fitness questions, and to provide you with the motivation to attempt the solutions to such questions. The human body is capable of amazing, wondrous things, and it is a horrible waste of a life to die without witnessing the beauty of a body trained in the physical arts.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that most of you are not in good shape. Some of the younger people here might be unhealthily skinny, and many o the older people here may be unhealthily fat. Some may even be obese. And don't think that you're off the hook just because you aren't in any of those categories, because there is a long road between not being unhealthy and being healthy.

I want to give you a chance to improve yourselves. I have spent a considerable amount of time lately reading up on fitness, and spend a very large amount of time and effort trying to improve my body. I am boundlessly knowledgeable in this subject, and I can answer almost any relevant question thrown at me.

Not all of you may want to look huge and muscular, or lean and veiny, but I know very few people here are actually happy with how they look. Exercise reduces acne, treats depression, increases the strength of your immune system, and helps with almost any ailment any of you could possibly have.

And you may ask yourselves, 'Why should I ask this guy? Google exists.'

My answer is this- I am a PERSON. A human, a very dedicated and intelligent one at that, who takes personal and moral satisfaction from helping people. Furthermore, with me you don't have to wade through websites, through opposing opinions. You just have to wait for me to respond.

Just one post, people. One paragraph, where you present to me a problem and I will not rest until I have answered it to your satisfaction.

I know you guys want to improve yourselves, you just lack the necessary preparation.

Just... post.

I've helped others before.

I'll help you.

[GrammerNaziElite]

I'd like to add that I am very versed in this subject and I would very much like serious questions to be posted here. If you don't want to publicly reveal your problem feel free to PM me.

[PhyroDragon]

I am 16 and I am seriously underweight 110 pounds to be exact. What can I do to imprve this problem of mine.

I felt like contributing today.

[GrammerNaziElite]

At 10/19/09 11:33 PM, PhyroDragon wrote: I am 16 and I am seriously underweight 110 pounds to be exact. What can I do to imprve this problem of mine.

I felt like contributing today.

You need to make sure you eat a minimum of 2500 calories a day and begin a steady routine of bodyweight exercises. Try this-

Mondays- Do 5 sets of pushups, all sets until you can't push-up anymore. Do it in this pattern.

narrow grip- hands close together
wide grip- hands far apart
narrow
wide
narrow

Rest two minutes between every set.

Wednesdays- Legs

take a length of walk, say, a quarter of a mile, and do a Squat-Lunge walk.

That, is, do a squat, step forward with one leg until your knee is touching the ground, stand up, put your other leg next to the first, squat, put forward the SECOND leg, ect.

Do this for ten minutes, rest for ten, and then do it again. If you're doing it right, by the end you won't be able to climb a set of stairs.

Friday- heavy crunches

Take a few books, maybe 10 pounds worth, and place it on your chest, and do crunches. Do 8 of them, rest for thirty seconds, and do 8 more. Repeat for 5 minutes.

Also, try to eat a lot of meat and pasta.

[irishiweredrunk]

I'm dangerously under confident, help that and you win a cookie.

[CalumnJohnston]

At 10/19/09 11:22 PM, GrammerNaziElite wrote: I'd like to present an opportunity to you, Newgrounds.

I don't often come on this site, something about it reeks of immaturity to me

You have Nazi in your username?

mixed with a slightly unsettling population of people perhaps too old to be fraternizing with others on this site

If newgrounds was just aload of 13 year old kids, where the fuck would all the decent flash come from? the admins? yeah right.

get lost, you hole

[GrammerNaziElite]

At 10/20/09 12:17 AM, irishiweredrunk wrote: I'm dangerously under confident, help that and you win a cookie.

Physical exercise has been proven to increase confidence, as well as many other things. If you would like, I will provide you with a training routine for beginners that will give you a good head start into weightlifting.

My confidence SOARED once I started counting my lifts in the hundreds.

[GrammerNaziElite]

At 10/20/09 12:21 AM, CalumnJohnston wrote:

At 10/19/09 11:22 PM, GrammerNaziElite wrote: I'd like to present an opportunity to you, Newgrounds.

I don't often come on this site, something about it reeks of immaturity to me

You have Nazi in your username?

Yes I do.

mixed with a slightly unsettling population of people perhaps too old to be fraternizing with others on this site

If newgrounds was just aload of 13 year old kids, where the fuck would all the decent flash come from? the admins? yeah right.

get lost, you hole

You seem to be missing the point of this thread. Not only are you wasting a potential opportunity to improve yourself, you are taking my generalizations and trying to apply them to exclusions I have already accounted for.

I submit to you that you are an idiot and that you should leave this thread.

[Ranchero]

Okay here is a real problem of mine:

I get really really reeeally nervous whenever I have to talk in front of a large group of people. To the point where my voice quivers uncontrollably. Usually this isn't a big deal except for situations like this Thursday when I have to give a large presentation in front of my class.

ps picturing everyone in their underwear doesn't work

[All-Hallows]

I won't trust your fitness advice until I have a photo of you personally. I'm not taking fitness tips from a fatty, k.

[GrammerNaziElite]

At 10/20/09 12:35 AM, Ranchero wrote: Okay here is a real problem of mine:

I get really really reeeally nervous whenever I have to talk in front of a large group of people. To the point where my voice quivers uncontrollably. Usually this isn't a big deal except for situations like this Thursday when I have to give a large presentation in front of my class.

ps picturing everyone in their underwear doesn't work

Well, I think a lot of people seem to be missing that this thread is primarily about physical fitness, but I'll help here too.

When people have problems like this, I often see that a short shot of irrational bravado does the trick.

It may seem hard to turn the 'manly' on and off, but try to think of it as a last stand sort of thing.

So up there like it's your Goddamn death speech, look everybody in the eye, puff out your chest, and take long strides.

If you can't project your voice well, YELL. If you can, speak slowly and carefully, to try and draw out every word so you never trip up.

Most importantly, think to yourself that you are the greatest fucking thing God ever gave to mankind. This requires confidence, which ,HEY, you get in heap-loads from lifting weights.

[GrammerNaziElite]

At 10/20/09 12:42 AM, All-Hallows wrote: I won't trust your fitness advice until I have a photo of you personally. I'm not taking fitness tips from a fatty, k.

As you wish...

One year of training, one year of spending 2 hours a day learning about exercise and another two hours exercising.

I'm fifteen years old. Not what one might call a goal physique, but I'm bigger than most.

185 pounds, 14 inch arms, 23 inch legs, 32 inch waist.

Not sure about bench, 210 squat, 260 deadlift

[yurgenburgen]

I want rock hard pecs like yours.

[GrammerNaziElite]

At 10/20/09 01:05 AM, yurgenburgen wrote: I want rock hard pecs like yours.

Poke fun all you like, but my dedication, hard work, and perseverance will lead me to someday look like a true bodybuilder.

[Homosecksual]

At 10/20/09 01:05 AM, yurgenburgen wrote: I want rock hard pecs like yours.

me too :3

[TrantaLocked]

Proud member of the atheist church, believes in good health, stays calm, likes to help people. You remind me of myself.

I hope to see you more often here on newgrounds, if you can :)

And for my fitness, I fall slightly below where I should be, but "good enough." I need to build some serious muscle, and I am hoping to become a lot stronger. I am definitely not fat; some call me skinny, but not too skinny. I am 15 too, so what do you suggest I do to gain the most muscle in the least amount of time? And by the way, I have cardio down; I play volleyball every day at school, and bike to and from school 6 miles a day.

I have to tell you, compared to me, you are pretty buff XD

[GrammerNaziElite]

At 10/20/09 01:17 AM, TrantaLocked wrote: Proud member of the atheist church, believes in good health, stays calm, likes to help people. You remind me of myself.

What's up, bro? You seem like a cool guy.

I hope to see you more often here on newgrounds, if you can :)

And for my fitness, I fall slightly below where I should be, but "good enough." I need to build some serious muscle, and I am hoping to become a lot stronger. I am definitely not fat; some call me skinny, but not too skinny. I am 15 too, so what do you suggest I do to gain the most muscle in the least amount of time? And by the way, I have cardio down; I play volleyball every day at school, and bike to and from school 6 miles a day.

Well, cardio actually inhibits muscle gains, so if you seriously want to build up muscle I recommend you try to cut down on the biking. If you are serious about gaining muscle, I will give to you a beginners mass and strength building program, targeted for teenagers. I'll warn you though, it's not easy and it requires you to do exercises that you can potentially injure and even kill yourself with.

I have to tell you, compared to me, you are pretty buff XD

Ah, naaaah.

PM me for further developments.

[TrantaLocked]

Sounds good. For now I need to get some sleep, but I'll PM you after school. Later.

[GrammerNaziElite]

Just so everybody in this thread knows where I want to end up-

[GrammerNaziElite]

At 10/20/09 01:41 AM, GrammerNaziElite wrote: Just so everybody in this thread knows where I want to end up-

Sorry, except with bigger legs, of course.

[LepyThedinosuar]

I'm literally and honestly underweight. Like 20 lbs.

I keep on trying to regurgitate my food after every meal and excersize, but some how, I keep on getting skinnier.

[TrantaLocked]

At 10/20/09 02:00 AM, LepyThedinosuar wrote: I'm literally and honestly underweight. Like 20 lbs.

I keep on trying to regurgitate my food after every meal and excersize, but some how, I keep on getting skinnier.

Yo do realize that regurgitating your food will make you thin, right? You are not only skinny, but you are also lacking nutrients if you do what you say you do. Eat food AND exercise, and see if there is a difference.

[TacticalShoe]

So, is this like assisted self-help?

I sort of figured that me improving myself would not be a team effort.

[Marcus]

At 10/20/09 12:54 AM, GrammerNaziElite wrote: 185 pounds, 14 inch arms, 23 inch legs, 32 inch waist.

Not sure about bench, 210 squat, 260 deadlift

Hahahahaha

Nice tits.

Also a little sunshine once in a while wouldn't kill you buddy.

[GuntherHermann]

You perceive moderate, humble people as people who lack self confidence because you are arrogant pissant. I can help you improve yourself, I have a doctorate in psychology and have helped all kinds of sick deviants. Just PM your billing information and we can arrange something.

[Leo625]

It burns like hell fire when I pee and it has a lumpy consistency, your thoughts?

[Dropkicked]

At 10/20/09 01:07 AM, GrammerNaziElite wrote:

At 10/20/09 01:05 AM, yurgenburgen wrote: I want rock hard pecs like yours.

Poke fun all you like, but my dedication, hard work, and perseverance will lead me to someday look like a true bodybuilder.

Bodybuilding is disgusting. The only strength you'll ever need should come from what you should be able to do if you were living in the wild. Meaning, you shouldn't have to lift 300 lbs bars of whatever, just simply be able to lift what is necessary to survive. If anything, humans should be lean and quick, not enormous and unable to touch their elbows together.

[ratchet103]

Some freinds of mine are basketball players and in summer, they startet doing that parkour stuff and they take me with them sometimes. they can jump fuckin high and pull them selves up nearly everywhere. I want to be able to do that stuff too, but i fail at climbing up a 2m wall. :/
my question: How can I train my legs for jumping and my arms for pulling me up walls, railings etc?

[GrammerNaziElite]

At 10/20/09 12:12 PM, ratchet103 wrote: Some freinds of mine are basketball players and in summer, they startet doing that parkour stuff and they take me with them sometimes. they can jump fuckin high and pull them selves up nearly everywhere. I want to be able to do that stuff too, but i fail at climbing up a 2m wall. :/
my question: How can I train my legs for jumping and my arms for pulling me up walls, railings etc?

I'm actually not sure how to train for sports and agility, but I do know you need to build up fast-twitch muscle fibers. If you'd like, I can link to you some bodybuilding threads related to parkour training.

Bodybuilding is disgusting. The only strength you'll ever need should come from what you should be able to do if you were living in the wild. Meaning, you shouldn't have to lift 300 lbs bars of whatever, just simply be able to lift what is necessary to survive. If anything, humans should be lean and quick, not enormous and unable to touch their elbows together.

My alternative theory is that you're ignorant. Not every bodybuilder looks like Goddamn Ronnie Coleman, and it's a personal choice. Bodybuilders are often much, MUCH healthier than the population, and strive to attain a perfect body.

At 10/20/09 11:40 AM, GuntherHermann wrote: You perceive moderate, humble people as people who lack self confidence because you are arrogant pissant. I can help you improve yourself, I have a doctorate in psychology and have helped all kinds of sick deviants. Just PM your billing information and we can arrange something.

I'm not entirely sure what you're talking about, but I believe I was very reasonable in all my posts. If you have a problem with confident people, I suggest you find help yourself.

Hahahahaha

Nice tits.

Pecs with a bit of fat on them. You doing any better?

Also a little sunshine once in a while wouldn't kill you buddy.

Actually, i'm pretty tan, just shitty cell phone picture quality. I assume you I am proficient in Vitamin D.

Any people who want help?

[GrammerNaziElite]

At 10/20/09 10:30 AM, TacticalShoe wrote: So, is this like assisted self-help?

I sort of figured that me improving myself would not be a team effort.

Well, I contain a vast amount of knowledge regarding nutrition and exercise, so any questions involving health can and should e directed at me.