Threshold Saga

[cutthroatchaos]

Chapter One is now released, "Lost & Alone".

[Urban-Champion]

Sort of a "meh" story. Nothing too bad or good.

Expect criticism mother fucker, don't bitch to me about this.

[cutthroatchaos]

At 9/15/09 06:57 PM, Guest8792 wrote: Sort of a "meh" story. Nothing too bad or good.

Expect criticism mother fucker, don't bitch to me about this.

Thanks, I wrote the first chapter in about 30 minutes. I am sure it shows, I don't know I watched a sweet movie, and just love the idea of the whole viral outbreak plots. Hopefully the next chapter is better. I will be going into more detail and background... I think that is just going to be an introduction.

[Dawnslayer]

Short version: unless this is for a homework assignment, an editor should help you with this.

Long version:
-Narrative descriptions tend to drone on, yet at the same time are over too quickly. Imagery isn't vivid, there's no emotion attached; it's just some kid going through a listed sequence of events. Not as bone-dry as Twilight, but it needs work.
-First paragraph - he's in a thunderstorm, but he can see the moon?
-Most of the monologue is either cliche or unnecessary. You could say a lot of the same things in narration.
-Work on descriptive phrasing. "A large crash boomed" is a rather uninteresting way of describing thunder. And "shivers down his spine?" That's almost as overused as writing "said" after someone says something.
-Grammar. But that's an easy fix. And I applaud your efforts to use semicolons.

Needs work - wouldn't buy it at the bookstore - but it's okay for a start.

-----

Note to admins: Lit portal, por favor; we'd really like a place to put our written work. Danke, merci beaucoup, domo arigatou gozaimasu.