Hello, my friends. It has recently come to my attention that specimen so wiry and full as to inspire awe once grew on the face of 19th-century America's greatest philosopher and resident wild-man, Henry David Thoreau.
Whilst completing the seminal novel Walden, in the 1840s, Monsieur Thoreau began to incubate a great animal beneath his supple chin: a creature which we have come to know singularly as Neckbeard the Magnificent. Using his great powers of rhetoric and Trancendentalist mysticism, Thoreau domesticated the beast and began using it as a natural pheromone and aphrodisiac. Quickly becoming the most prolific sexual dynamo east of the Mississippi River, Thoreau conquered many nubile virgins and various older women who obstructed his bestial path.
Many would put Thoreau to the question, believing the bountiful beard to be a sign of deviancy -- but did those luscious whiskers ever tickle the testes of another illustrious gentleman? Good god, no! Perish the thought.
After the first blush of sin comes its indifference. Yet, who could resist the discipline of that firm-bristled brush, that beautiful animal which we call the Neckbeard?
